Estranged adult child

[Jach65]

Anyone want to connect regarding their estranged adult children?

Whose decision is the estrangement? There'll be a difference between those who have chosen to estrange from their dc, and those who the dc want no contact.

In my opinion there is no difference. Unless the DC is a violent criminal or paedophile, it's usually the DC who is estranged, and often for good reason.

Hi, I haven't seen my son for 11 years. Not my decision. It gets easier but his birthday is still extremely difficult.

I feel sorry for these parents who are estranged. Nothing and I mean nothing would stop me talking to my child .if they commited a crime I would be extremely unhappy and ashamed of his crimes but I would always love him

I choose not to talk to my parents due to their toxicity towards me. I did try to have a relationship with them despite how I was treated when I was growing up but their behaviours still continued and my dm became passive aggressive and blaming towards me when I called put their behaviour.

Why do you think estrangement means you don't love your child?

Didn’t see my dad for 17 years. From age 18 - 35 (me). We are now very, very close.

I’ve experienced this. It’s very hard. In my case my child resumed contact when they were ready.

I struggled with my own mother and am estranged from family by my own choice so I have experienced it from both sides. What stopped me from reconciling with them was their belief that they are entitled to a relationship with me, and my belief (right or wrong) that they needed me and my children around to fulfil their needs at our expense.

Having been through it, I found it very difficult to be rejected by my own adult child. I tried to reassure them that I loved them, that I respected and supported their choices, and that I didn’t want anything from them that they were unable to give. I made it clear that my door was always open.

We went through counselling together which was very difficult and didn’t have any immediate success, though I think in the long term it probably did help us to understand just how poorly we were communicating, despite a real desire to sort things out from both sides.

I have often felt that I must be a terrible parent but that’s not necessarily true. Children turn away from their parents for lots of reasons, and very likely don’t grasp how painful that can be for the parent. Reconnecting requires reflection on both sides and lots of patience and faith.

I wish you well.

Hello @Jach65 are you ok?

My mother stopped speaking to me when I was 33. I'm still not sure why but she took umbrage at something and spent the last 6 years of her life effectively NC although every few months she would phone me to remind me that I was shit.
Deathbed apology. Fuck knows what she gained from the whole horrible mess.

What a cruel person, I'm so sorry you had to endure that. I hope your life is more peaceful and happy now.

I can guarantee you did nothing wrong, and she was projecting her feelings of being shit herself- you are definitely not shit.

Parents so often go NC with children because they are abusive or unkind to their children, yet all they will ever say is how cruel their children are to them. It's sad and twisted, and some still fall for it. You can sense it a mile off if you know that type of person.

I'm 48 & have no relationship with my Mum, having decided after decades of abuse that I was actually worth something more.
My brother came to the same decision independently from me about 6 months after I first cut all contact. We are both incredibly close to our Dad, who is actually still married to her. She is now in a home & my Dad visits weekly. He is as much as a victim of her abuse as my brother & I. We love him and understand that the abuse he suffered created a tramua bond response.
If you asked her why neither of her children have any relationship with her she'd tell you she has no idea but it was my doing in convincing my brother to 'go along' with it.
Ultimately I needed to protect my teenage daughter from her before history repeated itself.
My Dad, brother & I have an agreement that we will not 'destroy her reputation' in her lifetime but I will never ever speak to her again.

I've been estranged from my father since I was 18. I'm 41 now. He was a violent abusive drunk and I stood up to him when he assaulted my younger brother. I was told to leave the family home so I did. I've no idea if he's even still alive. He never once made contact. My mother divorced him when I was 22 and she and I have a great relationship. I wish I'd had a dad all these years but I'm glad I don't have that dad.