To not let DD's girlfriend sleep over?

[ClawedButler]

DD is 12 and is in her first relationship. It is all very sweet and innocent.
We often have DD's friends over for sleepovers, and she recently asked if her GF (let's call her Jackie) could come for a sleepover.

I don't know, it just doesn't feel quite the same as any other sleepover. But I'm struggling to give a coherent reason why Jackie can come over to our house but not stay the night. If it was a boy, it would be a definite no of course.

YABU - let Jackie have a sleepover, what on earth do you think they're going to do

YANBU - don't let Jackie have a sleepover, what on earth do you think you're doing

I had this exact same thing earlier this year. DDs first girlfriend who was a friend first and had stayed over in the past as a friend.

We said no. Explained it very simply as “it’s different now. If you had a boyfriend we would say no. So we are saying no to your girlfriend”.

DD accepted it and never asked again

edited to add - DD is 14 so a bit older than yours

Of course it's a no....

12yo should be seeing their boy/girl friends at school, out and about on "dates", doing stuff like going to the park... . Holding hands and a bit of kissing.

Not sleeping over at each others houses!

Definitely a no from me. Boyfriend or girlfriend makes no difference.

It’s not just about the worry of getting pregnant, (like in a boy/girl relationship), it’s letting the relationship get too “adult” too quickly (emotionally).

It’s a difficult one to explain, I see why you are struggling!

I mean, at the very least you know she won't get pregnant, but there is a good chance they'll be getting up to things. I suppose it all depends on whether you think they will? When I was 12 the most I ever got up to was snogging and maybe a boob squeeze. Definitely nothing under clothes. However DH lost his virginity at 13 so just shows how different teens can be

The emotional "grown up" bit is the issue.

Heck I didn't sleep over at my now DHs for about 4 months 😂

I wouldn't, and would discuss with their parents.

Do you have a spare room she could sleep in? It is different now that they are a couple.

I would say no, at 12 it’s unlikely to progress much beyond friends regardless of it being a gf. The problem is, you are setting a precedent, so when she 14/15 and more likely to be pressured into moving further into the relationship then she would like, it would be much harder to say no then as you’ve been letting bf / gf’s stay over since 12.

What you don’t want is for her to not tell you it’s a gf in future to avoid this. Hard situation but you are doing the right thing.

I don't know, it just doesn't feel quite the same as any other sleepover.

Well that's because it isn't.

My DD is bi and has had a girlfriend and a boyfriend at different points (she is 14 and quite mature for her age).

Both were friends of hers before the dating, and the boy is still a friend after it (the girl ditched her but that was a whole other story).

My take may be unusual but I remained happy for both to sleep over while she was seeing them (though as it happened the need didn't actually arise). I have a very honest and open relationshio with her and am as convinced as I can be that she has not been sexually active with either gender - in fact with the boy they did not even passionately kiss, as neither felt ready. So far all she has done is kissed two girls - the one she was dating, and an older girl at a party (that's a whole other story, and I had real reservations about that one! But I do take solace from the fact that she told me, even though she must have known I would not be thrilled, given the other girl's age).

She knows I don't want her to be sexually active until she is at least 16, but equally that I won't go absolutely mad and start shouting at her, whatever she chooses. So I don't believe she would go behind my back and start having sex without at least telling me.

If she does start sleeping with someone before she is 16 (and I really hope she doesn't!) , I will have to rethink the sleepover rules. But for now I trust her. I would always insist on separate beds though.....

Just say no you’re too young. If she pushes explain it’s the same if it were a boyfriend. Let’s be honest boy or girl we know what we’d have been up to at a sleepover. They’re far too young.

Why on earth is a 12yo in a relationship? It isn’t, just bad parenting encouraging this nonsense at 12yo.
would you allow a 12yo boy to stay over? Kids are so fast and forward these days, no wonder!

They're not a couple FFS. They're 12 yo children and should be treated as such. Far too young to be bearing emotional weight of a relationship.

I have a 12 year old i find it bizarre they are in a relationship at this age its not something id be encouraging.

i was the same as a teenager and wanted gfs to stay over, my mum always said no as it she treated it the same way she would with a boy

Just explain to her that having a girlfriend/boyfriend is alot more than someone just being a friend and children her age do not have their boyfriends/girlfriends to sleep over.

Take away the genders from this situation, any 12 year old asking for their boyfriend/girlfriend to stay over is just 100% no.

I'm surprised at all the people saying it's no different to having a boyfriend.

1. no pregnancy if they get up to funny stuff

2. less likely to be funny stuff at 12 in the first place, because one half of the couple isn't a young lad who has been socialised to a) have sex as quickly as possible and b) see his girlfriend as nothing more than a living fleshlight (which is the majority of the problem, hormonal boys pressuring girls into doing stuff).

I can understand being wary of a boy for the reason above, but surely at 12 YEARS OLD two girls just want to hang out? Maybe kiss or hold hands... Which they will do anyway outside the home if they have any desire for that.

12 months for me 😃

She is 12! They are children FFS not 'a couple'

No, from me as I’d not be reinforcing this “relationship” idea.
My 12yr olds had plenty of same sex sleepovers (always separate beds) but these were friends no “relationship” bs.
FFS my 12 yr old dd barely had breast buds, no menses, and loved coloring and crafts.

A tricky one.
I think maybe think to the future when they are older will it still be a blanket no? Never at your house no matter what the age? Separate rooms still no?
So she will either wait till she can afford a hotel or have her experiences at other people's houses? In the park? Back of the car?

Is it remotely on her radar right now? If must be difficult for her to understand friends can sleepover but girlfriends can't when presumably they started off as friends/best friends. The teenager brain in me would think to not tell you if they became a gf so we could continue our friendship in the way before. It almost feels like a punishment or a negative to the relationship.

Perhaps talk with her and share your concerns and you could both come up with a compromise together. If it is on her radar then it will just be happening elsewhere so you really want to encourage a close open relationship with her.