Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

DH/MIL

18 replies

Artmumcreative · 27/10/2025 07:35

MIL hasn't spoken to me for almost eighteen months, I didn't do anything/don't know what I'm supposed to have done. She's only just started speaking to DH, who's told her I'm pregnant with DC2. Yesterday I told DH that I'm stressed about the situation- hoping he'd suggest a way to iron it over- and he had a big go at me for having high expectations (like being treated like an adult???) when it comes to my MIL, that I know what she's like, that she's not done anything near as bad to me as she has to my DH (over his lifetime). DH slept elsewhere (possibly the sofa??) last night, I haven't investigated.

AIBU somewhere- either the feeling stressed or sharing with DH that I'm stressed?

OP posts:

thepariscrimefiles · 27/10/2025 07:42

Is your DH visiting his mum again? What about your child?

Your MIL sounds utterly toxic so I definitely wouldn't want your DH's resumption of a relationship with her to lead to her seeing your children, particularly as she is still completely ostracising you.

It sounds as though your DH could use some therapy as I would assume that your MIL wasn't a great mum to him during his childhood.

TattooStan · 27/10/2025 07:44

"MIL hasn't spoken to me for almost eighteen months"

My first thought is "that sounds wonderful"! 😅

How bizarre. Can I ask why you care? Could you just leave her to it? Let your DH visit her, and you just get on with your own thing? Do you need to be speaking to her - do you run into her a lot where you live, for instance?

SpanThatWorld · 27/10/2025 08:05

She's just started talking to him. He says you know what she's like.

This suggests that your husband has a lifetime of pain and disappointment behind him. Leave him be.

Endofyear · 27/10/2025 08:23

Why are you stressed about it? She's his mother, his problem. She sounds like hard work so just be glad you don't have to deal with her and let him get on with it.

SandyY2K · 27/10/2025 08:24

SpanThatWorld · 27/10/2025 08:05

She's just started talking to him. He says you know what she's like.

This suggests that your husband has a lifetime of pain and disappointment behind him. Leave him be.

I agree with this.

Untailored · 27/10/2025 08:26

Sounds like she is very difficult and he has had to live with that all his life and then you are telling him you’re stressed about it. He doesn’t need pressure from you, he needs support.

AnnaMagnani · 27/10/2025 08:30

Why do you want to have a relationship with her when clearly you know she has been abusive to your DH his whole life?

Surely her not speaking to you, and barely speaking to her son is a brilliant outcome.

deeahgwitch · 27/10/2025 08:40

AnnaMagnani · 27/10/2025 08:30

Why do you want to have a relationship with her when clearly you know she has been abusive to your DH his whole life?

Surely her not speaking to you, and barely speaking to her son is a brilliant outcome.

This 💯

AloneAgain321 · 27/10/2025 08:59

I’ve not had any contact with my MIL for over two years now. She claims ‘doesn’t know what she’s done’ but it has been spelled out to her by my DH on many occasions/others warned her she was travelling down a very dangerous track. Surely you must have some kind of inkling why she’s not talking to you?

Now I leave DH to whatever relationship he wants with his parents but it just won’t involve me. When they’ve visited, I’ve stayed upstairs and now DH chooses to only visit them in neutral ground. It’s not easy or nice for any of us so I wouldn’t recommend going NC unless there’s really no choice.

DeedlessIndeed · 27/10/2025 09:04

Just have zero expectations. It takes all the power away from people like MIL.

If she comes back, then you can reassess.

Regarding your husband, he hasn't handled it perfectly, but it is his mother and presumably he feels her disinterest far more keenly than you. I'd cut him some slack and just say that you are there for him if he does want to talk about it.

I have difficult feelings regarding my family. I love my DH so much more because he acknowledges things are hardest for me in the middle, even when he does get caught up in things. He leaves that ball very much in my court, but is always there with a sympathetic ear when I need to vent.

FuzzyWolf · 27/10/2025 09:04

I am taking from this that she has made his life incredibly difficult and now he feels very much stuck in the middle by the person he thought would make his life happy.

Unfortunately the parent dynamic is sometimes such that no matter how awfully they behave, some children cannot bring themselves stop contact.

Perhaps look at the situation differently and rather than adding to your DH’s stress and pressure in the situation just choose your own boundary which is your MIL is not going to be directly involved in your life and you won’t be around for any of her visits. By removing yourself from the situation, you meet your own needs and you remove that pressure and upset from your DH.

Dacatspjs · 27/10/2025 09:08

Sounds like you expected the news of your pregnancy to be a bit of a relationship reset and something that would cause her to change, whereas your DH knows exactly what she is like and after a life of disappointment knows she won't change.

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 27/10/2025 09:10

I haven't seen my mil for over a decade.. Can thoroughly recommend it..

Heronwatcher · 27/10/2025 09:11

Stay out of the drama. Essentially pretend she doesn’t exist. If your DH wants to take the kids let him, but he goes without you and if they report back that she’s been badmouthing you, he tells her to pack it in or the kids stop visiting too.

Basically write her off as a bit mad- unless she starts on the kids.

CopperWhite · 27/10/2025 09:22

If your DH is already struggling with his relationship with his mum and is trying to smooth things over despite how difficult she is, he probably needs your support instead of your expectation that he fixes your stress over her too.

TeddySchnauzer · 27/10/2025 10:28

You can tell who are the nasty DILs from hell on this thread, can’t you?! And it’s not OP…

BauhausOfEliott · 27/10/2025 11:07

Hard to know what the situation is solely from your account of it here, but it sounds to me as your DH finds his relationship with his mother very difficult, upsetting and stressful, and that you are now making it more so, by moaning about it and trying to get him to fix things to keep you happy.

Your MIL is clearly awful and that must be very difficult for your DH - much more so than it is for you, as she's his mother and he's had a lifetime of it and has a much more complex relationship to her as a result. Honestly, if I were you, I'd be relieved that she'd stopped talking to me and just let your DH find his own way with her. Don't put pressure on him to make things OK between your MIL and you.

outerspacepotato · 27/10/2025 11:29

You have no relationship with your MIL because she's gone no contact with you. Let your husband manage his relationship with his mother.

She sounds massively toxic. Stop trying to smooth things over with her using your husband as your flying monkey. He has left the marital bed because he's so unhappy with your interference here. Stop pushing him so you can have some sort of relationship with her. He knows her far better than you do.

Flip