When I started uni a few years ago I was really lonely and desperate for connection. There was a girl on my course who was always posting questions in the group chat, and I was usually the only one who bothered to reply. That tiny bit of kindness turned into what I thought was a friendship.
She was from a developing country on a scholarship, told me about her dad’s death, her family relying on her income, etc. I genuinely felt sorry for her and wanted to help. I gave her my notes, explained stuff over calls, even donated to one of her fundraisers. I didn’t expect much back – I knew she had a lot going on.
But it quickly changed. The generosity started being treated like obligation. She’d get annoyed if I didn’t donate again, or call me stingy. She wanted souvenirs from my holidays, intros to people with funding, added me to random WhatsApp groups about “opportunities”. When I pushed back, she got rude and started mocking my grades.
She ran three GoFundMes in less than a year, each “urgent”. What struck me was the expectation – as if of course her Western friends would chip in. She even said asking for souvenirs was “normal in her culture”, but none of her other friends did that, so I don’t buy it.
There was a huge imbalance. I was focused on career building, she was limited by visa rules and did care work on weekends. I helped her and her friends academically but they never offered much in return. They didn’t understand my neurodiversity either – acted like it was some “excuse” I made up. My parents told me to “keep being kind” because I was lonely, which made it worse because I felt guilty even when I wanted to pull away.
Eventually I realised the whole thing wasn’t friendship. It was obligation on my end and entitlement on hers. And it had this weird colonial undertone too – like she genuinely believed Westerners owe her because of history, so I should basically subsidise her life. I do get where that belief comes from, historically speaking, but applying it personally felt manipulative.
I’ve replayed it a hundred times wondering if I overshared about money, or should’ve kept boundaries clearer. But the bottom line is: kindness without reciprocity just becomes charity. And charity isn’t friendship.
AIBU to think that friendships only work when both people can give roughly something back – even if it’s just emotional effort or respect? Otherwise it turns into either exploitation or pity.