AIBU to feel like you should never judge people for how they cope with extremely painful scenarios/life events?

[Nonoanddefintelyno]

I see quite a lot of people being told that when they're grieving a loved one or when they've been diagnosed with a serious illness, that they need to remain stuck in their grief or fill themselves with guilt over the persons passing so that the deceased person is never "forgotten" from their family or friends minds. Or for example, that if a younger adult in their 20s gets diagnosed with terminal cancer at a younger age than most, then if they were to refuse medical treatment because they wanted to spend the last year of their life at uni, hanging out with friends, going to concerts, travelling etc. Then that would be viewed as being "irresponsible" or reckless because the expected response to someone being diagnosed with a life limiting illness is that they need to prioritize medical treatment rather than making the most of the time they have left with other arrangements such as socializing or going on nights out etc.

Yes I believe we're all unique & cope with circumstances & upsetting situations, in individual ways
They say you can never really know, how one might react, until they themselves, are actually in a certain situation
Also, not to judge anyone, until we're in their shoes 💚

In a general sense, I understand you.

Culturally, judgement is a very powerful tool. Without it, we can descend into chaos.

I would judge someone who made illegal choices, or choices that directly hurt others.

A husband can’t go fucking his way around the local community because he’s grieving his mother’s death when he has a wife without judgement.

A young man can’t speed down the motorway high on drink and drugs, driving recklessly dangerously because he’s grieving his wife’s death without judgement.

I hate people who judge others grief. But i like the above comment about how you treat people when you are down on your luck or grieving.

Grief isn't linear. And some traumas are life long. It's how you cope with it that makes it bearable. From personal experience, you ride the wave. Some days you are under water, most days as time goes forward you are above water. But it can hit you hard unexpectidly. Theres absolutely no getting over it, but learning to make peace with it

It is part of the human condition to have feelings about life and how people react to things that happen in their lives. Using the blanket term ‘judgement’ kind of implies we shouldn’t have feelings/ reactions and certainly shouldn’t share them.

In many cases it’s best to keep your more negative feelings to yourself but life isn’t so black and white.

Id probably be judgmental about someone who joined a dating agency when their spouse was very unwell or dying because you’ve got to move on.

Or, as was reported in the news, a woman who freebirthed and died, leaving her child motherless. Yes, perhaps she would have died with medical care but unfortunately they will never know.

I feel judgemental about someone I knew who packed up and disposed of all of his dead wife’s possessions as soon as she died leaving nothing for their children to have as a keepsake.

so maybe I’m judgemental but I’m comfortable with that.

Judgement is always done with an air of superiority. Looking down on others for being weak or stupid. I often hear people talking about how some people just don’t have enough strength or resilience, as if it is that person’s fault they find it difficult to cope or take what appears to be an easy choice. Unless you’ve lived another persons exact life, you can’t really question their choices, particularly if they don’t affect you in any way.

You don’t need judgement to keep society on the straight and narrow, that’s what the law is for.

do you mean advocating like Paloma's mother?

edited to include the statement from your OP @Nonoanddefintelyno

"Or for example, that if a younger adult in their 20s gets diagnosed with terminal cancer"

No, I dont agree with that blanket statement OP.

As PP have said, grieving doesn't give you carte blanche to hurt others.

I lost my beloved mum to cancer when I was quite young. My dad was on a dating website within 4 weeks of her death. I judged him for that. It was horrifically painful for me to see him doing that so soon and felt like he was trying to replace her.

Words cannot describe what a slap in the face that felt like and frankly, I have never truly forgiven him for it. I never begrudged him finding happiness after she died at all but at least wait a sensitive amount of time.