AIBU are presents from DIL

[DILDilemmas]

My son has a very nice wife - we love her and (I think!) she loves us, so there is no animosity underpinning this query. I'm just curious as to how others would approach it.

Son and DIL have very busy, full on lives - both have jobs with long hours, three young children, large chaotic renovation project house. My husband and I provide them with a lot of help and support - regular childcare commitment for the younger two children (and the eldest in the school holidays), and a couple of weekends a month they invite us for lunch and we usually help them with something like a DIY project. I also often do their ironing. My husband and I don't resent this at all. We love the children and appreciate the time we get with them, and we are both retired so have lots of spare time which we don't mind spending helping them out. It's generally a happy, friendly family arrangement which we all enjoy.

DIL has recently started giving us random presents as thank yous for this help - not big things, but candles, vouchers, flowers etc. It's not every time we help but it's about once a month. I've told her it's very kind but not necessary to her face and have also told my son she doesn't need to feel obliged to do this - we really are happy to help. He said it makes her feel better and like she's not taking advantage, but to me it almost feels transactional, like she's paying for the help. I'd rather she just accepted it as something families do out of love rather than being done in the expectation of a reward.

Would you raise it with her again and say it really is unnecessary, or would you just accept it's her way and accept the gifts with thanks?

(Aware this is not a juicy problem by mumsnet standards)

She sounds lovely. In fact you all do. Just appreciate the gesture. Maybe it's her way of demonstrating that she doesn't take you for granted. Which is really sweet.

What you do is enormous, and many could only dream of having even a fraction of that support.
Allow her to show her appreciation and be gracious in return.
You need to give that head a wobble as you sound a little controlling.
You are entitled to offer help, just as she is entitled to be appreciative.
Don't mess it up and cause problems unnecessarily.

OP, I have 5 young children and the most amazing sets of grandparents, one set in particular who, like you, are retired and live close. We too are doing a huge renovation/extending project that also involves setting up a couple of new businesses so it's very very full on and hectic here.
I would be lost without the help from grandparents and tell them all the time and like your DIL I too buy/pay for 'stuff' for both of them and I would be devastated if I thought they felt like you do.
I do it because I love them, I appreciate them and I want to spoil them occasionally - the same reasons behind why they help us out.
They don't 'need' to do what they do for us, and I don't 'need' to do what I do for them - we all do it as that's how we see family life being.

It’s really nice of her to give you a gift once a month for giving them loads of free childcare and support. You need to learn to accept the gift.
Many of us get zero support from our in-laws, if I had this much support, I’d be buying my mother-in-law a bloody five star holiday!

your dil will be aware lots of her friends and colleagues will get no help or support and the cost of what you are saying you do is probably about £1000 per month in monetary terms.

She’s just over the moon to have you.

Op its so nice you do so much for your dil. Honestly dont ruin it by being silly over her wanting to buy you some gifts. She obviously wants to, just say thank you or reassure her that it really isnt needed. My own mil wouldn't so much as offer me a cup of tea in her own home let alone come to mine and iron so good on you for being so kind to her and she's trying to be sweet back.

She sounds lovely and it sounds like she just wants to do something nice for you in the same way you do for them

So do you feel what you do is transactional? If not, why do you assume her kind acts are?

You're being extremely unreasonable and I think she'd be very hurt by what you're saying here.

My mother would have been both giving and expecting gifts to show appreciation. Your DILs own DM may be the same and has raised her to do the same. I am very much like you though and do things because I want to, not expecting or wanting anything in return. But she may feel that it would come across as ungrateful to just keep accepting your help without showing you in some way that it is appreciated. It’s so tricky to get this right, my mother would feel unappreciated if some gesture wasn’t made. I think you have stated it is not necessary, but she still wants to so just accept it in the spirit it is meant, to keep that relationship as positive as it currently is. My default is to assume the best in people’s motivations unless proven otherwise. (My mothers tends to be the opposite, it does not lead to contentment…).

Absolutely don’t raise it again! She is aware how very lucky they are to have you both, she probably has friends who struggle with childcare, and juggling life, and is counting her blessings! I bet she’s been asked a few times by friends if they can swap in laws. The gifts are token gestures, but she wants you to know she loves and appreciates you.

She's just trying to do something nice to show that she appreciates you.

I don’t think it’s at all transactional. My mam does childcare once or twice a week for us which she very much enjoys and wouldn’t want anything for doing it but I do treat her to lunch out etc as a way to show we’re grateful. Although she doesn’t want anything she is always happy to have a treat. It’s nice your daughter in law values you.

She’s doing this to show gratitude and that she doesn’t take your help for granted. Accept the gifts graciously. Sounds like you have a lovely family life.

I'd graciously accept. I wish we had this"problem!"

Sounds like you have a lovely relationship, and she clearly values your help. I’d accept them as a token of her appreciation rather than transactional

As PP have said, definitely accept graciously. My lovely Dad was always helping us with DIY projects, lending tools, doing stuff for us. I always used to send him a little something afterwards, even if it was one of the boys' drawings or something. It's just to say "Thank you! I couldn't have done that without out!"

My FIL comes once or twice a week for dinner and invariably bring chocolates or the occasional bottle of champagne. I tell him he doesn’t need to come bearing gifts, but I think he likes to show his appreciation. It’s nice that she appreciates your effort.

Just accept the gifts and thank her. She is showing her love and appreciation for all that you do. Count yourself lucky that you have such a lovely DIL!

I agree, she’s not able to spoil you with her time as she’s a busy working mum so is trying to spoil you both in another way.

😬