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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Miscarriage

14 replies

Kkk17 · 26/10/2025 13:06

I had a Miscarriage in July and because I'm Still grieving I feel like I don't want to be with my partner anymore, I feel I can't even speak to him about things and just keep it to myself..I feel like I will cause an argument if I speak about it ..

OP posts:
TheFutureIs · 26/10/2025 13:11

Why don’t you feel able to speak to your partner? I’ve also recently had a miscarriage, and me and my partner have grieved very differently. He is also obviously hurting, but keeps things much more internalised.

I think as women, where we carried our babies it will always be harder for us. I hope your partner is able to support you xx

Kkk17 · 26/10/2025 13:19

TheFutureIs · 26/10/2025 13:11

Why don’t you feel able to speak to your partner? I’ve also recently had a miscarriage, and me and my partner have grieved very differently. He is also obviously hurting, but keeps things much more internalised.

I think as women, where we carried our babies it will always be harder for us. I hope your partner is able to support you xx

TheFuturels he just keeps things to himself, he's said in the past he does think about it but he has to be the strong one . I had 2 scan with a heartbeat and third there was no heartbeat..feel like they should have offered me another scan xx

OP posts:
HelpMeUnpickThis · 26/10/2025 13:42

Are you able to access some counselling via your GP? I am sorry for your loss.

mindutopia · 26/10/2025 13:43

I’m sorry about your miscarriage. I hope you don’t mind me saying but I don’t think this is because of the miscarriage or grief itself. It sounds like the experience has shed some light on the relationship. He should have been an unending source of support for you and it’s something you should be able to ride out together.

I think Dh was a bit of a deer in the headlights when I had my miscarriage. He didn’t really know what was the right thing to do or say, but he followed my lead and was empathetic and available. A life as parents is incredibly hard (I’d go as far as to say it’s been harder than going through a miscarriage together). You need to be able to talk to each other and you need to be able to rely on each other for support no matter what.

Would you consider asking him to speak to a bereavement counsellor with you? I think you need to see if this is even something you want to move through together. I am really sorry for your loss though.

Ella31 · 26/10/2025 14:03

Op, I understand how you are feeling. I had two miscariages in 2022 and sadly in 2023 my full term twins died within days of each other, stillbirth and neonatal death.

My dh could not express himself at all whereas I was distraught and open about it. I was mad at first but then I realised how grief is so different. I know it sounds cliche but people really do grieve differently, it doesnt mean they arent feeling it. The day we were told we would have to let my second twin go and turn off life support, my dh cried and cried. I had forgotten that in the aftermath. My dh is a private person, i could talk about our baby boys to anyone whereas his face looks sad and he clams up. I learnt to respect that its his way of grieving.

The best thing i did was counselling, it allowed me to grieve my boys and express how i felt. My dh also would ask me about and in a roundabout way, we would end up talking about them.

Your dh is grieving, just not the same way as you are. And I'm so sorry for your loss. It's a very difficult thing to get your head around.

I think its really important that you do express how you feel, so definitly look into counselling. You derserve to heal from this awful loss. Xx

TheFutureIs · 26/10/2025 14:47

@Kkk17my partner said exactly the same. It was only when I reminded him it was his baby too, and that he didn’t need to be strong for me that he really showed emotion
He still finds it far harder to talk about now

Kkk17 · 26/10/2025 16:37

TheFutureIs · 26/10/2025 14:47

@Kkk17my partner said exactly the same. It was only when I reminded him it was his baby too, and that he didn’t need to be strong for me that he really showed emotion
He still finds it far harder to talk about now

TheFuturels aww thank you yes I need to find the strength to talk to him about it xx

OP posts:
Kkk17 · 26/10/2025 16:42

Ella31 · 26/10/2025 14:03

Op, I understand how you are feeling. I had two miscariages in 2022 and sadly in 2023 my full term twins died within days of each other, stillbirth and neonatal death.

My dh could not express himself at all whereas I was distraught and open about it. I was mad at first but then I realised how grief is so different. I know it sounds cliche but people really do grieve differently, it doesnt mean they arent feeling it. The day we were told we would have to let my second twin go and turn off life support, my dh cried and cried. I had forgotten that in the aftermath. My dh is a private person, i could talk about our baby boys to anyone whereas his face looks sad and he clams up. I learnt to respect that its his way of grieving.

The best thing i did was counselling, it allowed me to grieve my boys and express how i felt. My dh also would ask me about and in a roundabout way, we would end up talking about them.

Your dh is grieving, just not the same way as you are. And I'm so sorry for your loss. It's a very difficult thing to get your head around.

I think its really important that you do express how you feel, so definitly look into counselling. You derserve to heal from this awful loss. Xx

Ella 31 im so sorry for your loss too. My partner is private too and dosent really show emotion. He says its not like he dosent think about it but he said one of us has to be strong. He did have a cry when I was waiting for my surgery in hospital as he had to go to work in the morning as work wouldn't let him have the time off.. im having a bit of counselling but I don't really find it helping much. Before this relationship I went through alot in a previous relationship and feel the miscarriage is my fault. I just need to be strong and try and talk to him.xx

OP posts:
Ella31 · 26/10/2025 16:53

Kkk17 · 26/10/2025 16:42

Ella 31 im so sorry for your loss too. My partner is private too and dosent really show emotion. He says its not like he dosent think about it but he said one of us has to be strong. He did have a cry when I was waiting for my surgery in hospital as he had to go to work in the morning as work wouldn't let him have the time off.. im having a bit of counselling but I don't really find it helping much. Before this relationship I went through alot in a previous relationship and feel the miscarriage is my fault. I just need to be strong and try and talk to him.xx

It's absolutely not your fault. No-one knows why miscarriage happens, its one of those cruel tragedies that we have no control over.

It's also not about being strong. Grief is awful. It's like a tidal wave at times that comes and goes. All I'll say is, be there for each other, happiness will come again. It just takes time. My sons birthdays and anniversary is next month, i dread it, cant believe its been two years since they died but dh and I will do something special that day for our boys. Maybe you can think about doing or getting something that commemorates your baby.

Counselling isnt a one size fits all but it also takes time. I blamed myself for ages over my twins deaths and i had nightmares about turning off the life support. It takes a lot of energy and time to get over traumatic events. So be kind to yourself and each other.

Kkk17 · 26/10/2025 17:40

Ella31 · 26/10/2025 16:53

It's absolutely not your fault. No-one knows why miscarriage happens, its one of those cruel tragedies that we have no control over.

It's also not about being strong. Grief is awful. It's like a tidal wave at times that comes and goes. All I'll say is, be there for each other, happiness will come again. It just takes time. My sons birthdays and anniversary is next month, i dread it, cant believe its been two years since they died but dh and I will do something special that day for our boys. Maybe you can think about doing or getting something that commemorates your baby.

Counselling isnt a one size fits all but it also takes time. I blamed myself for ages over my twins deaths and i had nightmares about turning off the life support. It takes a lot of energy and time to get over traumatic events. So be kind to yourself and each other.

Thank you Ella 31 sending lots of love to you xx

OP posts:
Kkk17 · 26/10/2025 18:24

Ella31 · 26/10/2025 16:53

It's absolutely not your fault. No-one knows why miscarriage happens, its one of those cruel tragedies that we have no control over.

It's also not about being strong. Grief is awful. It's like a tidal wave at times that comes and goes. All I'll say is, be there for each other, happiness will come again. It just takes time. My sons birthdays and anniversary is next month, i dread it, cant believe its been two years since they died but dh and I will do something special that day for our boys. Maybe you can think about doing or getting something that commemorates your baby.

Counselling isnt a one size fits all but it also takes time. I blamed myself for ages over my twins deaths and i had nightmares about turning off the life support. It takes a lot of energy and time to get over traumatic events. So be kind to yourself and each other.

Ella 31 it was also a missed miscarriage I didn't have any symptoms of pregnancy ending so I worry they got it wrong at 7 weeks 4 days the crl was 13.5mm with a heartbeat and 10 days after it was measiring 7 weeks 5 days crl 14.2 and they said no heartbeat it always worries me they got it wrong and I had the procedure for no reason xx

OP posts:
Ella31 · 26/10/2025 18:39

Kkk17 · 26/10/2025 18:24

Ella 31 it was also a missed miscarriage I didn't have any symptoms of pregnancy ending so I worry they got it wrong at 7 weeks 4 days the crl was 13.5mm with a heartbeat and 10 days after it was measiring 7 weeks 5 days crl 14.2 and they said no heartbeat it always worries me they got it wrong and I had the procedure for no reason xx

No one here including myself can tell you medically what happened but for what its worth my first miscarriage was a miss. Sadly it can happen so fast, heartbeat one week and gone the next, and for my miss i had no symptoms ending either. I do think its unlikely they got it wrong but obviously I wasnt there. However I actually tested positive for weeks after my first two losses. According to the test i was still pregnant when really i was not.

Grief unfortunately makes you think what if but they genuinely wouldnt have ended a healthy pregnancy on you. The ultrasound is very clear. Ive no doubt someone will pop up saying different but its extremely rare.

When my twins were born, my first boy was stillborn and my second boy lived for 4 days. For weeks after I burried them both, I tortured myself thinking what had I done to cause this. The answer was nothing. I blamed myself for not going in sooner or not realising they were in trouble but the truth is, you have no control over it. And thats the hardest part of all.

But I promise you, once you accept that, the healing does begin, but you need to release yourself from your guilt. You did nothing wrong. It was a cruel cruel thing happened.

I dont claim to be an expert but ive sadly done the rounds on baby loss from one extreme to another. I hope i can give you some peace of mind that it does get better. Not in the "you'll move on and be grand" way but in that you do find peace. My boys will gone two years in November, there isnt a day I dont think of them and some days are harder than others but you do come through it xxx

Kkk17 · 26/10/2025 19:03

Ella31 · 26/10/2025 18:39

No one here including myself can tell you medically what happened but for what its worth my first miscarriage was a miss. Sadly it can happen so fast, heartbeat one week and gone the next, and for my miss i had no symptoms ending either. I do think its unlikely they got it wrong but obviously I wasnt there. However I actually tested positive for weeks after my first two losses. According to the test i was still pregnant when really i was not.

Grief unfortunately makes you think what if but they genuinely wouldnt have ended a healthy pregnancy on you. The ultrasound is very clear. Ive no doubt someone will pop up saying different but its extremely rare.

When my twins were born, my first boy was stillborn and my second boy lived for 4 days. For weeks after I burried them both, I tortured myself thinking what had I done to cause this. The answer was nothing. I blamed myself for not going in sooner or not realising they were in trouble but the truth is, you have no control over it. And thats the hardest part of all.

But I promise you, once you accept that, the healing does begin, but you need to release yourself from your guilt. You did nothing wrong. It was a cruel cruel thing happened.

I dont claim to be an expert but ive sadly done the rounds on baby loss from one extreme to another. I hope i can give you some peace of mind that it does get better. Not in the "you'll move on and be grand" way but in that you do find peace. My boys will gone two years in November, there isnt a day I dont think of them and some days are harder than others but you do come through it xxx

Edited

Ella31 Thank you so much for your kind words and support. I hope it does get easier to cope with and thank you, you have helped me . It happened in August but today for some reason I've had a really low day today thinking about it and think how many months I would be its strange. I think its because the last few weeks I've been busy changing jobs etc and today I've actually had time to sit down and think xxx

OP posts:
Kkk17 · 26/10/2025 19:04

Ella31 Thank you so much for your kind words and support. I hope it does get easier to cope with and thank you, you have helped me . It happened in August but today for some reason I've had a really low day today thinking about it and think how many months I would be its strange. I think its because the last few weeks I've been busy changing jobs etc and today I've actually had time to sit down and think xxx

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