To be upset about my DH's influence on our DS

[Playdoughy]

Obviously as his dad he gets a say, same as me, when it comes or DC's upbringing, but what happens when you find out you actually don't share the same values?
I hear you shout divorce - but doesn't solve it exactly - he still gets to raise his child (plus - a divorce over this would be a bit of an overreaction).
To make it more specific - we have a kind, gentle and honest boy who loves other kids. He puts a huge smile on whenever we meet any of his nursery friends and he is a very happy and smiley boy.
If a child is unkind to him - he moves away, but sometimes he also tries to be even friendlier to such a child, include him more in the play etc...
I find this OK, but my husband is really finding it as a sign of weakness and constantly laments about him being an excellent target for bullies in future.
He may or may not be right, but what I find problematic is that is is actively using unkind words about the naughty child telling our DS that this is how je should feel about him and he is actively explaining to him how to respond in future - by hitting him or something like that.
I know these are only toddlers but this is just unacceptable to me. Not to mention that it breaks my heart seeing my lovely and kind little boy having to promise how he will hit someone, even if this child is being aggressive towards him.
I honestly don't know if I am stupid and my husband is right saying that this is how boys need to be raised, all I know is that I feel it is wrong.
Do you mind sharing what is your go to approach.

I'm with DH. Your boy can continue to be kind without sucking up to kids who are unkind to him. That's just sappy. With those ones, he should match what they do. Push or hit back if necessary.

Not to mention that it breaks my heart seeing my lovely and kind little boy having to promise how he will hit someone, even if this child is being aggressive towards him.

Good luck to your husband explaning HT that hitting is how you resolve conflicts in school...

There needs to be a third way. Obviously making a small child promise to hit another child is completely OTT and potentially damaging, but also being kinder to someone who is causing you harm is not the answer.

He needs to communicate to the problematic children that he's not happy with their actions and then move away. He needs to stand up for himself, advocate for himself.

"I don't like it when you do xyz, I'm not playing with you now"

"You hurt me, I don't like it, leave me alone"

"Don't do that, it's not nice to hurt people, you've gone too far"

Trying to keep the peace at all costs stems from learned behaviour in the home. Is this a pattern he observes, how do you respond to conflict, How are you modelling boundaries?

It is absolutely NOT how boys need to be raised. Your husband is a dickhead.

You last paragraph - bang on. I am like that, he takes after me. My husband is often nervous with work and raises voice very quickly - with everyone really. He ruined lots of his friendships and relationship with his own family since he had this particular job - ok now I am justifying him, but when he does go into his shouting state at home, I don't shout back - I just say why he is not right or is overreacting and move away..then when he reappears all normal an polite again I just behave as it didn't happen - tbh because I don't want my child listening to us arguing. So essentially - while I don't stand up for myself is to protect him from unpleasant environment - he thinks this is how you should operate.
Tricky - not sure what is worse.

So essentially you want to teach your son to be a people pleasing doormat and your husband wants to teach him to be an angry violent bully.

Hope you're putting aside money for therapy fees.

In all seriousness you and husband need to sit down and find a middle ground here. There's a gulf between those two options, you can surely find somewhere roughly in the middle. Somewhere in the region of setting healthy boundaries, being comfortable saying no and not engaging with people who are mean, and self advocating.

What @JudgeBread said. The poor child is getting two different but equally unhealthy and unbalanced models of behaviour.

Agreed but not sure how to fix it.
I am definitely not telling my child to be kind to a bully child. I am telling him to say no, not play together again and move away. I am suggesting him to play more with some kids I know are kind and more like him in character.
Unfortunately at home - I do choose to avoid conflicts and often don't stand up for myself how I should. But if I did - I would expose him to hours of arguing because my husband rarely admits he was in the wrong and often attempts cheap gaslighting techniques that I then call him out for, and then he plays a victim and goes into silent treatment - which is another layer of the same shitty avoidance of responsibility for ruining everyone's day.
I just find it personally exhausting and I worry how upsetting it would be for our DS - so I skip the whole ordeal.

I think your appraoch is terrible and your husbands is not great either.

There has to be a middle ground.

Obviously you don’t want your kids to be a doormat, but also you don’t want your kid to be a “hit first ask questions later” kid either.

My eldest DD is very much a people pleaser - she displayed a lot of the same behaviours you describe when she was your DS’s age.
It took her a long time to come to terms with the fact that actually, not everyone is a nice person and not everyone is going to want to be her friend.

With all of my DCs, I’ve always told them that they should be polite and civil with everyone at the first port of call. If someone is then being a dick, excuse yourself from the situation. If the unwelcome behaviour continues, you tell an adult. If the behaviour continues after an adult has stepped in? Then you finish it by whatever means necessary.
When it comes to physical violence from another child? Absolutely defend yourself.
Don't ever throw the first punch, but make sure yours is the last.

So your son is growing up in an abusive household. You said your DH is quick to anger and you diffuse it. Your son is now modelling you and you are calling it difference in ‘values’. Mm methinks you are ignoring a timebomb.

You have a much bigger problem than the one you mentioned in your first post.

Your husband’s behaviour sounds emotionally abusive and your child is picking up on the entire dynamic between you and him. Children learn by observing the adults around them, they model the behaviours they see. What you’re describing suggests your child is mirroring what’s happening at home and your husband’s behaviour is at the root of it. But by tolerating it, you’re also becoming part of the cycle.

The real question is why are you accepting this situation? Not every woman would. Did you perhaps grow up seeing a similar pattern between your own parents? Was one of them emotionally abusive?

If you've been hit, or you think you're about to get hit, hitting is how you resolve conflicts in school, or anywhere else.

I'd be perfectly happy explaining to a HT that if their school failed to keep my child safe, my child has been taught to do it themselves.

Agreed!

My 7 year old is/was being choked, punched, pushed over by a boy a year younger than him in after school club. This went on for months but my son only approached me about it within the last month or so (he told me he thought I'd get angry. I told him I'd never be angry at him for being hurt by another person). It got to the point where my son was wetting himself at after school club. The teachers were doing absolutely nothing about it.

When he did eventually tell me, I spoke immediately to the people who run after school club, and the following morning I spoke to the TA of my son's class. I also told my son that if this kid hurts him, to hit him back. Not enough to make him bleed, but enough to make him realise that being hurt, HURTS.

I don't know if my son ever did hit him back, but he's not mentioned being hurt by the kid again.

I've always told him that in the first instance, he should tell the teacher. If nothing is done, then he needs to take matters into his own hands.

My son is SEN, so I try to take into account that other children may be SEN and this may be an explanation as to why they're lashing out, but then tell myself that my son deserves to feel safe in school as well, and maybe the other child needs closer supervision to ensure other children aren't attacked.