Is my friend and her DIL being unreasonable?

[MidSurreyNightsDream]

My friend has two sons, both of whom are married with children (I’ll call their wives DIL1 and DIL2). Neither of the sons or their wives have spoken to each other for several years, apparently DIL1 has blocked the youngest son and DIL2 on all social media and refuses to have any contact with them. my friend also has a poor relationship with her youngest son and DIL2, the cause of which I fear was years of unintentional favouritism shown towards her older son and DIL1. The youngest son and his wife have apparently tried to make amends with the family several times over the years, but communication has always broken down.

The eldest son and DIL1 had their first child a couple of years ago, following which she suffered with severe postnatal depression for a long time. Three years on, she’s now recovering and is fundraising for a charity that helped her through the tough times. The younger son and DIL2 somehow heard about this, and made a generous donation, seemingly as a further attempt to reconcile. DIL1 is refusing to thank them, has been accusing them of ruining her plans and apparently believes they donated for ulterior motives. She has apparently also considered asking the charity to block their donation. My friend has also confided that she is (once again) siding with DIL1, even though I advised her to gently encourage DIL1 to show some gratitude towards the younger son and DIL2. I feel DIL1’s reaction is completely unkind and ungrateful.

Is DIL1 justified in reacting this way?

DIL1 doesn't have to thank them for a charity donation they've decided to give. It is manipulative. Everyone needs to keep out of each other's decisions.

I agree with the first poster. The charity is the one that gives thanks for donations. It's not for DIL 1 to have to do. I might say thanks if I had a conversation with DIL 2 about it in person, but they donated off their own bat. It sounds like it might be better for the two families to keep their distance, at least for now.

@dogsnuggles In many ways I agree, but my friend frequently laments that her sons don’t get on, whilst at the same time being in denial that she has in some respects been part of the problem.

She doesn't have to be grateful and if none of them get on to the point they want nothing to do with each other, I'd say it's natural to be suspicious.

You haven't said why they don't get on but there's obviously a reason for it and one you're unlikely to be privy to.

I'd keep right out of it if I were you and stop advising your friend, no matter how 'gently'.

I think I’d be gently encouraging your friend to stay out of whatever DiL1 has going on with the younger son and DiL2 and concentrate on mending her own relationship with younger son.

Years of unintentional favouritism? 🤨

You yourself have said the youngest's donation could be seen as an attempt to reconcile - which is quite manipulative on their side tbh

Just stay out of it

Of course she's upset about it. It is sad if children don't get on. It's not what we hope for as parents and it does make it more tricky to work out family occasions. However, it happens reasonably often. There is no guarantee siblings will have a relationship or even like each other.

It seems that 'unintentional favouritism' is still going on and if it is I'm confused as to why DS2 is making any effort to recocile. I'd have expected it to be the other way around.

I don’t see why the focus is on the women these brothers married, if the issue is the dynamic between the brothers caused by parental favouritism.

Is this a William and Kate v Harry n meghan under a thin disguise?

Why the focus on the dils?
Far more likely the issue is between the ds
Easier for your friend to blame the dil otherwise she might have to accept some blame herself.

Hardly, their mother Diana is dead.

Did Youngest Son & DiL2 ever actually do anything wrong? Just wondering what actually happened for Eldest Son & DiL1 to block his brother & DiL2.

Are youngest son & DIL2 trying to reconcile as an apology for something they've done, or are they just wanting peace and genuine reconciliation?

There's just not enough information to judge if the donation was manipulative or a kind gesture.

DIL1's behaviour is something else though. I don't think she needs to personally thank them, given the friction between the parties, but to go to the charity to try to get it blocked & accuse them of "ruining her plans", it quite a leap, and an overreaction. But this opinion is based on not knowing all the goings on behind the scenes.

With the current lack of details, I'm #Team Younger Son & DiL2. They've tried and tried to reconcile.

I disagree with most PPs. It comes across that Dil1 was just raising money to make herself look good and that it was all performative, that she doesn’t care about the charity she just wants to raise her own profile, and Dil2’s donation to her fundraiser has stolen her thunder, making the mask slip. What a nasty piece of work Dil1 is. And paranoid. And deeply unpleasant. As for Mil taking sides, it’s pathetic. Dil2 should see this as a watershed and go fully NC with all of them and concentrate on her immediate family unit and breaking toxic cycles with her own kids. Her family unit will always be the scapegoats.

If she is asking for donations then yes, she should thank them. And if everyone needs to keep out of each other’s decision, doesn’t that apply to her trying to block the donation?

Does DIL1 really have a valid reason for this level of hostility?
Maybe she does, but it seems like she’s just a nasty shit stirring bitch, trying to ensure her husband has no relationship with his only sibling.

Are you actually DIL1- what don’t you enlighten us, please.

My husband and I are in the younger brother DiL2 situation. Golden Boy BiL can do no wrong in his mother’s eyes. My husband and his brother do not get on. They haven’t for a very long time but it got worse when I got together with my husband. BiL blames me for things that happened but the truth is my husband was already at the end of his tether and I sat back and let him deal with it. I told him I’d stay out of it unless it started to affect our relationship and if at that point he wanted to tap me in or he wanted to tap out, I’d be on board with it. There was a major falling out and all of a sudden I was being blamed for everything. Mil and BiL sat us down and basically had a go at me for a whole load of stuff I hadn’t ever done. I let rip and was honest about the whole situation and basically told MiL and BiL they needed to sort themselves out and stop blaming my husband for everything. MiL has done absolutely nothing to try and bring her boys back together. She has stopped complaining that they don’t get on and stopped telling us we should reach out to him when I pointed out all the times BiL could have done something about it but didn’t, and everything we had tried to do to rebuild a relationship with him. I get on really well with MiL, to her credit she has never, since, tried to paint me as a villain in their falling out. But BiL is still her golden boy. She would deny it, but it’s clear as day.

Yes DIL1’s reaction is completely unkind and ungrateful, however, I would stay well out of it and, IMO, friend should too and she should try to stay as neutral as possible with them

So the older son and wife (who were favoured) have fallen out with younger son and wife and mother admits to favouring older son and is still siding with him deployed olive branches offered by younger son and wife? Is that right? Why?

I think it shows the deeply unpleasant nature of DIL1 that she actively tried to cancel a generous donation to a charity from which she personally benefitted - thereby denying others the same support. Thank god she didn’t succeed. She’s so twisted with jealousy/resentment and possibly narcism that she viewed it as an ulterior gesture designed to provoke her and would rather stop the donation than allow other ppl to benefit by it so they don’t ‘win’(?)

Why on earth is DS2 and wife wanting to reconcile with these people?!

Everyone involved sounds childish and manipulative and you should stay well out of it.

None of your business. Nothing worse than people who will just not take the hint and leave people the fuck alone and you have absolutely no idea - none - of what is really going on.

Stop trying to force people to do what you would prefer them to do, stop gossiping, keep your beak out of it.

If you’re really just a friend in this situation then surely there’s decades worth of complex family dynamics and situations that you’re just not aware of and we on Mumsnet definitely aren’t.
Just don’t concern yourself with it. Not your problem.

If I were you I would suggest that they all grow the fuck up and then keep well out of it. They sound like prats.

Your friend and DS1 and DIL1 are all in the wrong. I can't believe that DIL1 tried to block a generous donation to a charity that helped her with postnatal depression. You have confirmed that DS1 and DIL1 have been favoured by your friend for many years. Is this a pattern continued from when her sons were children? I'm just surprised that DS2 and DIL2 want to reconcile. I wouldn't want to have anything to do with your friend and her toxic older son and his wife.

The charity wouldn't decline their donation for a start

Agree with previous points made -
If fundraising for the charity then the dil should thank all donators (the charity thanks the fundraiser)
You should keep out of it