To not know how to move forward from here.

[Lowlylow]

Sitting here feeling really low and blue this evening. A bit of a background I have two children 7 and 9. They are wonderful and I feel guilty for feeling this way.

Three years ago ex partner (the children’s dad) left me for another woman who also lives in another country. I was devastated. During those years they’ve been off holidaying and created a whole relationship. Ex partner has a job that means he is away for work which he can uses as an excuse to not show up for months at a time. The girlfriend is only in her 20s no real responsibilities or commitments. Ex will be showing up again soon and get to be mr fun (which I do of course want for my kids). But my goodness it feels so unfair. I literally do all the work of raising them but have so limited time and money to do all the fun exciting things he does with them.

I just feel trapped. I have a very limited social life. Every single evening I’m home with the kids and doing dinner and bath time, homework, clubs and the list goes on. I feel exhausted through to my core. No time for anything as I’m either at work or with the children. When ex does turn up it’s so fleeting and then he is off again. I try to prioritise a little me time but to be honest I’m usually so burnt out when I stop I just get unwell.

I guess I just feel like life can be really very unfair and am struggling to see how things will ever improve from here. I could really use some help reframing my thoughts. Feel like I’m spiralling the last month. I never expected to be a single parent and I still feel sadness when I see all my friends with partners who are actually their and involved in their children’s lives. I really a deep sadness for how life turned out.

I think these feelings are understandable. No need to feel guilty for them, just be kind to yourself.

Read up on how to support yourself emotionally, there is so much info out there now about how to look after yourself.

At some point the kids will realise how shit their dad is and how amazing you are. Just take it one step at a time. So what if the house is messy, have a night off when kids go to bed for done you time.

It's really unfair and it makes sense that you feel that way. In time, when your children are older they will see him for who he is and realize how much you did on your own and gave them.

Thank you. Just feeling like I’m going through the motions but too tired to really enjoy life.

It’s really hard right now, but will get easier as the kids get older. Once they are in secondary school they’ll be a lot more independent, and hopefully more helpful too. They might be able to be a bit helpful now. We used to have a chores chart for the kids earn pocket money which got them to help a bit. Things like unloading the dishwasher and vacuuming.

It’s easy to just cope, do the necessary to survive, and neglect your own social life. Arranging to see friends takes effort, and it can feel a lot easier to just not bother when you’re feeling so exhausted from just day to day life (I am guilty of this), but seeing friends is really important for your mental health. Do you have friends who can pop round in an evening after the kids are in bed? Or maybe for a cuppa on a Sunday morning while the kids are playing? You need to carve out little bits of time for you, otherwise you’re just on a treadmill all the time. Do you have any family that can provide childcare? You don’t have to be dining out, spending lots of money, or finding huge blocks of time to do this. Just a cuppa in the kitchen with a friend and a nice chat can honestly make a difference. We usually have a movie night on Friday , with shop bought pizza on laps and a Disney movie. Even with the kids involved it feels like a nice wind down.

Do you have a local library or community cafe that you can visit with the children ?

The library will have ideas of free & paid things to do in the holidays & weekends

Secondly, you are doing a great job working & looking after your children

Spend less time & energy thinking about your ex.
It is his loss if he doesn't wish to spend time with his children.

Been you OP. It sucks and is completely unfair. But it is as it is. So, carve out space for yourself via grandparents, friends or even just after kids bedtimes. As they get older, you can still impose an "upstairs by 8pm" rule even if they read til 9. That gives you time to brush up, light candles, sit and watch or do whatever.
It is true that once teens that can be left at home it makes a massive difference and they're better company too.

I have a partner of ten years, but we don't and won't cohabit..we developed a relationship through weekends and odd evenings. He would come over when the kids were in bed. I like that it's not entangled with the kids.

Finally, mine do absolutely see the truth about their dad now, that he's not really there for them, that he doesn't know them and they are not his priority. It will come. You doing have to tell them, they will work it out. Hang in there.

The kids will realise as they get older, make their own mind up and realise who was the present parent & who was the shit one & you’ll reap the rewards of a close relationship with them in their adult lives whereas they’ll likely drift away from their father as time goes on. Think of it like that & he’ll also be a sad lonely old man when the young girlf gets sick of him.

I’m a parent myself now. As a child I grew up with the dynamic you’re describing between my parents (minus the new girlfriend).

As a teenager I began to see through it.
In my twenties I lost most contact with my father.
In my thirties I became a parent myself and truly saw the situation for all that it had been.

Since I was a teenager I’ve always thought my mum was a superhero and I am incredibly grateful for what she’s done me for and my siblings.

I hope your children will see it too one day.

Keep going, OP.

Thanks for all your thoughts, kind words and practical suggestions. I really needed a bit of grounding after spiralling thoughts.

I will try my best to carve out a bit of me time. I’m lucky in that I do have a great friendship support network. It’s hard when everyone is so busy all weekends in their little family bubbles though. I need more single mum friends!

Lone parent for 15 years here. You are doing so well. The trick definitely is trying to carve time out. Can you afford to get them into something like Stagecoach or a sport where you can get a little weekend time? It was my saving grace having an hour or so just to sit and have a coffee or go for a swim.

Your ex is an arse. My ex has not contacted or contributed for 14 years. My DD16 does not even ask about him anymore hasn’t for years.