Did I do anything wrong?

[Sweetflowerblossomm]

Hi everyone, hope you’re all well 😁

so I don’t wanna make this too long but basically I told my husband that he needs to “learn some respect” after I was advising him on his temper tantrums and he then told me that he’s gonna call my parents and tell them they “don’t have respect” and started calling my parents horrible names. I don’t understand why they were mentioned in the conversation. It was incredibly hurtful. I remained calm throughout but his voice was raised and I told him that perhaps he felt triggered but he does have disrespectful tendencies and I wanted to stand up for myself and make it clear that it’s not okay. I know I could have easily just left the room but I realised that matters don’t really get resolved - they simple end with either me apologising and him not acknowledging any ounce of wrongdoing. What I don’t get is why my parents were mentioned? As well as my sisters. He said really hurtful things and I told him that I understand that some people react like that when they feel threatened or challenged but it’s simply not okay. He said I was “challenging” him? He simply doesn’t like to be corrected or advised or anything like that. I’m not going to provide a transcript of everything we said but even though we’re generally happy I feel like there’s certain topics that don’t get discussed because my husband doesn’t allow us to discuss it and as a result, we can’t have those meaningful conversations about things we can change and how to grow and support each other. Why do I feel like I did something wrong by telling him he needs to learn some respect? It really triggered him, he was like a bull in a China shop and said he was going to “hit” me if I didn’t stop and leave him alone by going downstairs. Have I become normalised to this behaviour? He doesn’t ever hit me (and has never hit me btw) and doesn’t ever threaten to but I don’t understand why he said it during this conversation? Now, I appreciate any comments and opinions but please I don’t need the whole “leave the marriage” comments because it’s not that simple. I’m not in any immediate danger. Just need to understand what’s going on and how to move forwards, even if that does mean maybe having time apart to reflect. Also, I’d told him that he needs to be ashamed with his behaviour and he said I need to be ashamed? Likeeee?
Thanks

He sounds completely unhinged love. Threatening to hit you is a short step from doing it. He's allowed to say he'll hit you and you're not allowed to challenge him. Think about that imbalance and how dangerous that is. Can I ask if there are kids?

yes we have kids. Yes threatening to hit is unacceptable.

Goodness
He threatened to hit you and was nasty about your DP?

The cause
He's emotionally immature and abusive

Walk away

It’s way too hard to know who is BU. You’ve obviously written this from your bias perspective and you might be completely in the right. None of us know.

It really triggered him, he was like a bull in a China shop and said he was going to “hit” me if I didn’t stop and leave him alone by going downstairs.

See I would've opened with that ^^

Why is it so far down in your OP like it's not that important you were threatened in your own home?

And why are you making light of it with 'Likeee' at the end of your post?

Why did you feel the need to advise him on his temper tantrums and to some respect? Have you been watching too much MAFS?

Threatening to hit you was unacceptable, no excuse for it and even though you said you don't want to hear it, you absolutely should be leaving him.
That said, your post sounds like you are really patronising and would test the patience of a saint. That's not an excuse for threats of violence but your looking for advice on what you did wrong so there you are.

not making light of it, the “likeee” is more like completely disbelief at his reaction

I'd say this relationship is in big trouble and needs to end, for the sake of both of you and the children.

Patronising how?

OP, please think about a safe way to leave the relationship. You and your kids shouldn't share a house with someone who can't be challenged and threaten violence when they are.

Let me get this straight. So he advised you to leave the room, so that he didn't hit you?
He could walk away and cool.off, but instead he wanted control and said you must leave, or there would be a physical consequence.
NOPE.
Is he always right and never wrong? 🤔
He can threaten violence, but you can't state your opinion?
NOPE.
He is a ticking time bomb queen.
I would be having a serious rethink of staying with this crank.

"Learn some respect" "temper tantrums" "likeee" You talking about how you remained calm and told him he should be ashamed. It sounds like you were speaking to him like a child, very patronising.
Just the whole way it is worded really gives me an image of someone who quietly riles someone up then smuggly tells them they need to calm down.

No, I said he should be ashamed when he started calling my parents names. I have no clue why they were mentioned. After I told him he needs to learn some respect, he grabbed his phone and said that if I told him he needed to learn respect again he’d call my parents and insult them. Is that not shameful behaviour? With regards to using the term “temper tantrums”, I’m perhaps downplaying his behaviours. And im
not going to keep explaining the “likeee” at the end.

Yeah he stormed off. I’m just taking time to reflect on everything.

He brought your parents up in the hope that you worrying about him calling them means you'll never challenge his behaviour again.

Same reason why he demanded you walk away so he didn't hit you - firstly to make you think twice about speaking up again and secondly to make it (in his mind) your fault if he does hit you.

The most dangerous point for a woman in a relationship with an abusive man is when he starts to lose control - please do not make the mistake of assuming that you are safe simply because he hasn't hit you previously. He has now threatened to do so. Take him seriously.

I just feel really confused and trying to understand how he can switch in this way.

I wasn't going to post on this thread but seeing your response to @JLou08 ...

I had the same response as her when I read the phrase "was advising him on his temper tantrums" which made me think you behaved in a patronising manner.

Your response to having some feedback (which you asked for) is not to thank them and consider whether it's reasonable, but to immediately defend your actions and double down on his unacceptable behaviour.

Which makes me wonder whether she's right and whether in an argument you actually hear any counterfactual or are just intent on your own pov.

What was missing from your OP was why you were suddenly advising him. I have found that often there is a missing prequel to any person's account of an argument and that in that prequel there are often the seeds of the subsequent argument.

Nothing excuses violent threats or actions but I'd be interested to know how this all started or whether you just decided to start lecturing him out of the blue.

It depends what the temper tantrums are- what is he saying or doing that prompted you to tell him he "needs to learn some respect" ? It does not sound like a very healthy relationship.

I was trying to tell him to stop being so harsh towards oldest child when he makes a mistake.

I wouldn't stay with a man who threatened to hit me. I don't really care what's behind his behaviour and I wouldn't stay to try and work it out.

This.
You need to get out before this escalates into violence.

It’s concerning that you think you need to be in ‘immediate danger’ to leave a terrible dysfunctional-sounding marriage.