To find it really difficult to parent with my DH

[Blackparade1]

I have debated posting about this because I seem to remember another mum asking about something similar and getting a lot of hate, but here we go.

I find it so hard to parent our DS with my DH. He seems like he wants to be fun at all times and will rarely stick to boundaries or any kind of consequences for bad behaviour. I am absolutely a gentle parent but I still believe DS needs to learn manners, to be responsible and not always get his own way because he has a tantrum. DH seems to go from letting everything slide and getting his own way, to being completely controlling and angry at DS when he's "had enough" of him. DH has admitted he thinks it's unfair that I get to work part time while he works full time even though I do this to take care of our son. I may be wrong and I hope I am but it feels like he undermines me sometimes so that he can be the favourite. It's starting to feel like a competition which I have no interest in. We are both parents and although yes I am more involved in a lot of aspects with our son, I don't think DH misses out in the slightest on time with him. He works full time on paper but regularly gets away very early so easily working part time hours. Example, earlier I was getting DS changed after a snack, he was wearing a sticker and I said why don't you stick on mummy to keep it safe or it will get wet in the washing machine on your clothes. DH immediately comes over and says, who do you want to have the sticker, mummy or Daddy? DS gives DH the sticker - fine,.no big deal, but why get him playing off each other like that? It sounds like a silly thing to mention but this is a constant - do you want mum or dad to do it, when I'm literally dealing with it? I absolutely never do this as I think its important he knows both parents are capable. I just don't get it and it doesn't feel like a strong team that are on the same page to be raising our son.

You need to tell him straight to stop it now - it's unfair on a little one to put them in a position of choosing mum or dad. Children need mum and dad to be on the same page - when parents are playing off against each other it creates anxiety in the child and makes them feel insecure. You need to have the difficult conversation with your husband and tell him your son needs consistency and the same parenting rules from both mum and dad, you have to present a united front. If he won't listen then I'd be asking yourself if this relationship is what you really want?

@Endofyear I agree, and have no idea why you would allow a young child to be making decisions about who gets to do what, just to make yourself feel good and the "chosen" one. It's even things like if I've asked DS to play on his own for 5 minutes so I can finish whatever I'm doing, DH will drop whatever task he's doing to accommodate him, even if it's something that needs done like finish making dinner. It's nice that he wants DS to have someone to play with but again it's the lack of telling him no and explaining and getting DS to practice independence etc. I always end up being the bad guy while DH runs to the rescue.

I have tried to have these difficult conversations before but he just thinks I am criticising him, it's always got to be my way etc. It never goes well.