To leave because of this

[Krampers]

He has a bad habit of never being awake in the mornings.
prefers to be awake overnight so doesn't help out with new baby in the mornings.
He says it is because he works nights so is more awake at night naturally.
we never go to bed together.
His day always starts after 3-4pm and previous I would just do my own thing but now we have a baby I am feeling trapped and almost like a single parent at times.

Get rid

Does he not do stuff with the baby at night while you sleep?

Did you not talk about how his work /lifestyle would affect his parenting abilities BEFORE making the baby?

You've got to the point of sharing a child, and now you want to split because he works nights !!

Perhaps your child might prefer their dad around. Perhaps you could look for a compromise. Perhaps you could look for some daytime help, and stay together.

Presumably this problem will only exist during maternity leave, then you'll go back to work and care will be split between you, dp and childminder.

Raising a child is hard work. Raising a child on your own is harder (I've done it). How will leaving help?

Does he work permanent nights? Did this never come up before having a baby? When did you spend time together before?

So he works at night and you are surprised he is asleep in the morning?

What was his working/sleeping patterns before pregnancy? Presumably you discussed and planned how this would work beforehand so what were the expectations for both of you?

@ToKittyornottoKitty not really I breastfeed to sleep for all wake ups. She is actually sleeping a bit better recently dare I say it.

Oh I should have said he only does about 7 nights per month as he recently finished a phd. He is awake every night even when not actually working nights. We did discuss this and I accepted my fate but with baby actually here it’s harder than I ever thought this would be.

Surely you talked about how everything would work before getting pregnant?

It will be harder on your own, and more expensive. Have you told him exactly how you feel? Once you have kids it’s really worth working at the relationship together before leaving

Ok so it's not really a working nights problems it's that he goes to sleep late and gets up late and doesn't seem to want to spend time with you or the baby. What is he doing for work if he doesn't get up until 3 or 4?

What is he doing during these long nights?

If he works nights, it is easier to stick to the same schedule. Most of us working days don’t suddenly start being awake all night in between either.

I don’t think you can now change the goalposts or expectations and be annoyed with him because you have changed your mind.

How will it work if you leave him? You’ll either find yourself doing everything for all of the time you have the baby or else you’ll be completely without contact for up to 50% including birthdays and Christmas. What are your finances like to go alone?

So you need to pump & let him look after the baby during the night.

It’s not working is it? so yes, leave.

I don't get a great deal if I pump but as a way to night wean off the breast he could give her a bottle of formula instead and I could make it strictly his domain overnight.

It’s more that we never do family things in the mornings - it’s always late afternoons or evenings but this just doesn't work with a young baby. I know when she is a bit older I would probably be quite happy to do activities with children on my own anyway.

it’s always late afternoons or evenings but this just doesn't work with a young baby.

Why doesn’t it when that tends to be their easiest stage?

Are you also happy to spend 50% of your time without your child when they’re older?

Well put like that no -
I guess I shall just accept how things are and hope he might work less nights. He actually wants to pursue academic work which will mean he has to reduce the night work

But I thought he only works 7 nights a month? If your plan is to hope he works less nights in the future but the problems you have now are not really tied to him working nights how will that help? My 18 year old works nights every other week but still manages to get up to go to work at 7am on the days he is on day shift.

You can't just 'hope' anything. You need to talk to him and find out what his expectations and plans are for permanent work. And you explain your views too.

But if he works nights it does make sense that he stick to that schedule as much as possible. But of course doing as much as possible late afternoon / evenings (and nights) in terms of looking after baby, housework, earning money etc

Night work body clock schedule really is difficult to swap and change from routines even if it is 7 days regardless if you want to end the relationship then be prepared to struggle more finically

Does he clean the house (dusting quietly) at night when he's awake? Sort the laundry? Do all the ironing? Do the life administration? Order online grocery deliveries?

What, in short, does he do within the house to alleviate your burden apart from sperms donation?

Honestly op, I think you need to improve your communication skills.
you write that you did talk about his working hours before making the baby, and it seems you accepted that he would not be there to help in the mornings. Why did you not tell him during that initial conversation that your idea of having kids together was doing stuff together as a family? Why did you not have a conversation about how he could help you during the nights and the mornings? You seem to just accept that he is a night owl when it doesn’t suit your family’s needs. Why are you not asking him why he is awake all night when he is only working nights 1 week a month? You need to communicate to him that you want to be in this together. That you need his help. Instead of communicating with him you are asking random strangers if you should leave him. Do you actually want to be in a relationship with him? If yes, start talking to him and telling him what you need. Don’t just accept what he’s always done.