Boyfriend seems to want to write poems instead of spend time with me

[Thefinaltime]

I am 24 and been with my boyfriend for 2 years, he is 28. I found this site by accident ages ago when searching google for something and have been a frequent lurker ever since. I am just looking for words of encouragement here because I feel like this relationship should end but I’m so attached that I don’t think I am strong enough to do it.

At first, my boyfriend was very romantic and loving but slowly has become more and more distant. I get the impression he wants to be single so he can work on his hobbies but doesn’t have the guts to end it (and neither do I). I know this sounds cringe but he writes poetry and tries to write novels. He has started many many books, short stories, poetry collections over the years and always end up scrapping them and starting again. At first I was supportive and I still try to be but it’s got to the point now where that’s all my time with him revolves around. I go round and instead of doing fun things together and days out etc like we used to, I’m just sat watching TV on my own while he goes to work on his book. Then I have to spend the evening reading through his stuff and giving feedback.

There’s been a few instances that have really upset me recently. Last month we went to visit my grandparents, neither of us drive and they live in wales and we live in manchester so we got the train. He didn’t speak to me the whole train journey because he was on his notes app writing down ideas for his next book attempt. I kept trying to make conversation but it went nowhere. Even when we were at my grandparents he wasn’t really emotionally present and came across as rude as I could tell he didn’t want to be there. Then last week it was his birthday. I bought him loads of things and got him a cake made and some balloons etc to kind of surprise him. I got through the door, he turned around in his chair and did try to fake enthusiasm but I could tell he just wasn’t interested. I sat on his bed on my phone while he sat at his laptop. I went home early because I’d had enough and felt upset. I had the expectation that he would maybe be different on his birthday and want to do something.

Maybe I am being unreasonable, but I’m feeling hurt, unwanted, rejected, and am grieving the relationship that we used to have and the way he used to be with me. Can I have some advice please

My advice? Dump and run

That sounds so frustrating and hurtful, OP.

You might find it helpful to look up info on "pursuer/distancer" patterns in relationships.

Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

Dump him. Plenty of people out there who’ll want to be appreciative of you.

In your shoes, I’d ask for a proper sit-down chat. Say exactly what you’ve said in your OP - that you feel the relationship has beached itself, and that you no longer have any connection or do anything of mutual interest together.
Ask him if he sees it and/or feels the same.
And then talk about where to go from there - either BIG changes, or split up.

Good luck! xx

I'm really sorry to read this, relationships should be a positive part of your life and this sounds miserable.

There's a lot of pressure from society to be coupled up but sometimes the single life is so much better and more fulfilling than hanging on to something that makes you so sad.

What advice is there other than "Dump him"?

Why do you still want to be in this relationship. What are you getting out of it? And don't just say "I love him." Dig down into it. Why do you love him? What positive things is he bringing to your life. And if you can't think of any then ask yourself why you waste your time living someone so unlovable.

The honeymoon is over and this is the man he is.

It doesn't sound like you're getting anything out of this relationship so it's run its course.

Just leaving this here.

Write him a poem about how you feel....

You write, I wait.
You rhyme, I rot.
Keep your poems —
I want what’s not.

(AI wants you to break up too)

It sounds like you're putting up with each other because neither wants to be alone.

Life is too short for that.

If you can't end it, therapy might be helpful to examine why you are hanging onto him and to enable you to make positive changes going forwards.

Have you ever given him the feedback 'Honestly darling, I only read these because we're a couple and back in the beginning the sex was good. I don't think anyone else will be interested and you need to pay half the rent and bills'

My advice is to absolutely tell him he will never make it as a writer when you dump him.

Think your relationship has run its course.
sorry OP.

It may feel harder to call it quits than if he were obsessed with gaming, for instance, but it doesn't really matter what the obsession is. Whether he's laser focused on poetry or working out at the gym or football, it's a problem. The bottom line is that he constantly priortises something else over you and your relationship. You deserve to be the centre of attention at least some of the time!

I'd worry that even if you manage to get through to him and he makes an effort to spend more time together, his underlying obsession will remain, and you'll forever be fighting for his attention.

You are wasting your years away on a man, that's not really very interested in you. It's all very well writing a book and poems, and as a avid reader myself, I applaud anyone who can write a novel. However, it's completely overtaken his life, to the detriment to your relationship. Have you told him how you feel? If you haven't then that's your first step. Have a calm, but serious conversation with him and say you feel neglected, rejected and unhappy. It may be he"s oblivious to how your relationship really is, as opposed to how he perceives it. Depending on his response, depends on how you go forward. If he's not prepared to make any changes, then it's time to separate and go your different ways.

Oi! At least I sometimes finish a game!

Basically this. You’re allowed to dump someone for being a boring fucker.

Be brave and end it. It's dead and you're both dragging around a stinking corpse.

Give it a decent burial and move on. You'll grieve but you'll get over it.

Boring, self obsessed, uninterested in your company, unwilling to have a conversation with you?

What exactly keeps you hanging around?

Did you know:

It's ok to be single

And there are 4 billion of them on the planet, if you really want one.

This one's a dud.

😂 This made me laugh! @Thefinaltime you are so young and should be having the best and most fun times of your life. Please don’t waste any more of your valuable time on this daft turnip.

OP, I am an actual, honest to goodness writer. I still have time to socialise and talk to my friends and loved ones. If 'writing' is absorbing all his time like this, then I would hazard a guess that he is a perpetual 'writing wannabe' who is defining his entire self through 'Being A Writer' and hoping that people will stop him and ask what he is working on.

This does not end. He will never be the perfect boyfriend.

You don't "love" him OP. You're in love with the idea of being in love and you've formed a habit - him. You're probably afraid you won't find anyone else too. At 24 years old you have the world at your feet, you just don't realise it yet. Please don't waste any more of your precious youth hanging around and hoping he'll change. He really won't. He'll probably be relieved when you do end it. He's sending you very strong signals - try and read those instead of his endless poetry.

Write your own last chapter for this "relationship", OP. Time for The End.

LTB