To think it’s okay to outgrow friendships, even if nothing dramatic happened?

[GentleSableHeron]

No falling out, no big betrayal. Just different seasons of life. And that’s okay.

This happens all the time. People grow, change, move apart, meet new people they are better suited to.
I have many friends but have lost many along the way.

I do agree with you - and when it happens mutually, there’s no problem at all. The problem is when one person outgrows the other; this is what leads to the upset and resentment. The often quoted idea that people are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime is a good way to think about it, I think.

Is this some sort of "live, laugh, love" axiom you're sharing, @GentleSableHeron ? Or is there a genuine question in here?

You end your statement with "and that's ok".. do you feel it is? Or are you feeling regrets?

Mumsnet seems to be teeming with people who are looking for the validation of others about their "boundaries" and being "firm". Great stuff, love the energy etc, but you really have to believe this stuff if you want to live by it.

For me, I'm happy to endure - I know friends will go through seasons but I remember why they are my friends in the first place. I don't need to justify my life choices by surrounding myself with those who reflect my choices.

I agree. I outgrew a few friendships after a very challenging time in my life. The dynamics of the relationship were always a bit one sided but I didn’t mind in the past as I had this need to be a “fixer” then I realised how unhealthy that was for me and the friendships did not survive. It is not pleasant when it is not mutual because you don’t want to leave people feeling resentful but what can you do.

Is someone upset that you 'outgrew' them, @GentleSableHeron ?

If so, sure it's okay to feel that you have outgrown a friendship. Equally, it's fine for the discarded party to feel hard done by, particularly if they don't agree with your assessment.

I’m definitely not someone who drops people lightly. I just think there are some friendships where, over time, the closeness naturally fades, even without drama.

There’s no bitterness or boundary manifesto here, just reflection. Not every connection lasts forever and that doesn’t mean it wasn’t meaningful while it lasted.

I don’t begrudge anyone their feelings, especially if the shift felt one-sided. I think where it gets difficult is when there’s no big fallout or moment to ‘mark’ the drift, just small signs over time that the dynamic has changed. That’s what I was trying to reflect on in my post. It’s not about blame or even necessarily a final decision, just an honest question about whether it’s okay to acknowledge that something no longer fits like it used to.

People outgrow their husbands and wives, so it would be odd if they didn’t outgrow their friends as well. I am going through this myself atm. I have a friend I’ve known since school. She was always loud, self-centred and attention-seeking, but it didn’t matter so much when we were young because we shared a similar sense of humour and used to laugh a lot. But as she’s got older the monomania has grown worse. When I tell her something, I know she’s not listening and is just waiting for me to finish so she can speak. She’s also been quite successful in her career, which has inflated her (already very large) ego to epic proportions. It’s got to the point where I can’t bear her. To make it worse, we have no common interests. As I get older, the only people I really want to spend time with are those I can chat to about books and art and ideas.

Of course people outgrow their friends. No one can possibly carry all their friendships throughout their life.

I have been part of numerous friendship groups over the years and I have probably only ever taken one or at most two people forward as lifetime friends.

But friendships wax and wane. Sometimes people have other preoccupations, new friends, new partners. You can’t expect things to remain in aspic forever but it doesn’t have to be final. Sometimes you reunite with old friends.

People are way too precious about this IMO and spend far too much time trying to shoehorn their friends into boxes and flounce if the frequency of meetings drops off etc. It’s easier and healthier to let people go where they want and see who they want as opposed to trying to force a friendship which is no longer working.

I think it's perfectly normal for friendships to fade in and out.

I've currently got a friendship on the fade. An older lady I became friendly with through a shared interest. We used to meet up about every 6 weeks, but in the last year or so it's been less frequent. I last saw her at the very beginning of August to give an idea. We've also got nothing in the diary coming up, and tend to book things for 3-4 weeks time...

I like her, but she's an odd character who seems to live her entire life in a state of fretful worry over complete non-events. Things I wouldn't even blink at cause her weeks of extreme anxiety. I'm not that way AT ALL, so find it rather wearing to hear about these non-issues hyped up to such extremes. But it almost feels like she enjoys it... She tells me about them with such... relish.

I text her earlier in the week about looking at some menus for our annual Christmas lunch, and got very short shrift. "I can't possibly think about that. I've been in constant agony all week with a bad back." I've learnt from experience that her idea of "constant agony" is most other peoples idea of "I had to take a few paracetamol." I just replied something bland like, "Oh dear! Get well soon." I'm sorry, but if you were genuinely in "constant agony", you'd be in hospital. And so I planted the ball very firmly back in her court.

I'll be pleased to hear from her when she does next reach out. But I've reached the point personally where I'm not going to chase.

Doesn’t mean you have to drop them out of your life though - you just naturally see and communicate less of/with each other.
Seasons change, but Spring always comes around again. Keeping a looser connection is the way to go.

I think that is often true but it doesn’t work if they want to retain a level of communication you cannot support. A point will often arise where this change becomes obvious and they query it.

You often see threads on it on here where a friend is pulling back likely because things have changed in the relationship for whatever reason and the poster is experiencing confusion. A slow fade is painful too.

There isn’t really a magic, universal way to change friendships unless one person moves away or the pulling back is coming from both sides.

When i was younger I used to cling to old outgrown friendships like a limpet to a rock, and nothing good ever came of it. I dont do that anymore, its healthy to realise when they've had their day and move on.

Don't be afraid of the ebb and flow of friendship. Just let it be, keep in loose contact and maybe it will rekindle at a different stage in each of your lives.

I have a friend on slow fade . It’s sad because we’ve been friends since childhood but over the years she’s spoken to me very badly and I’ve put up with it because of our lifelong friendship. I’ve a completely new set of friends now and I realise how good friendship is , being supportive , not putting anyone down etc etc . I now restrict this friend to a meal out to catch up about once every 2 months or so and that’s manageable .

Depends on life stages too people so busy now. My group small met few lovely girls through my school job. I met an old neighbour in summer I drop a card when her mam passed so we met. That was lovely. We try keep it going meeting up

Outgrown is possibly the wrong word as it suggests you’re now too wise and mature for them 🤣 whereas I think often it’s just a drift apart due to different life directions/ priorities. There’s also is a situational aspect to most friendships- they can be maintained at a certain level because your routines naturally bring you into contact with each other. When that stops, it is harder to maintain that friendship and you’ll also likely make new ones. Most people only have time to “service” a limited number of relationships so some will likely fade. That’s just how life is.

I think mutual fade is natural, but one sided fade needs managing. A ‘letting go of what doesn’t serve’ attitude doesn’t take account of the wax and wane, or the fact that the friendship may not have served the other party at some points. I’ve been dropped from nowhere and I’d never do it to anyone.

Yes it definitely happens and it's ok. Sometimes it naturally fades for both of you, other times 1 person can still make an effort and not get the same in return. This happened to me for a while, until it dawned on me what was happening. Best friend from school, we moved to different cities for Uni, would meet up at first. I moved back to our home town,she obviously still visited to see family etc but the meet ups became less frequent. Stopped receiving Birthday / Christmas cards etc. Until I eventually realised and did the same. I was fine with it, like you say OP no big drama or falling out just moved on if you will..We message every now and again now and that's fine with me.

Yes, I remember playing Cowboys and Indians with friends years and years ago but I don't play that anymore but I suspect they still do.

I could have written this.

I think it's quite healthy to accept that friendships can change their nature and become less close over time, particularly as life events and distances kick in. You don't have to make conscious decisions to 'drop' people unless they've mistreated you in some way, or they've dropped you and the relationship's become one sided.

I have a friend who seems to be slowly fading me out. We've been friends for over 20 years and were single parents supporting each other for a long time. She's now heavily invested in her new man and the lifestyle he might promise and she has no time for me. It hurts, even though objectively I can see that our lives are going in different directions. Why can't we care about each other despite the differences? I would prefer it if she just dropped me quickly, I think, rather than this painful scaling back and then telling me how busy she is, and how she's sorry for not being in touch. I'm working hard to 'match her energy' and not be needy or say anything, but inside I'm so sad and feel very rejected.

Agree that it’s fine to decide to have less contact with someone or end a relationship.

Dislike use of the word ‘outgrow’ for this, though: pseudo psychology and attitude of superiority over the other person.