Disappearing Dad & Activities

[The4thSister]

Name changed for this as feeling frustrated, tired, and fed up! Looking for advice, particularly legal if any legal eagles about!

Have 5 year old child, ex has visitation every other weekend and every weds after school. He lives an hour away, but never done the mid-week.

Child is made available every other weekend as agreed, but most weekends get cancelled About an hour before handover. So far, this year since Christmas he has seen child for 7 days... categorically told that child can't attend clubs or parties on his time, fine.

Court order said nrp had to support child's social activities, which he refuses. Wouldn't mind if he turned up, but the lack of involvement and cancelled weekends are really frustrating and child is getting upset there is no contact from him and that he they can't go to things.

Christmas alternates and child already said they don't want to go as not heard from Dad since July.

Is it worth going back to court? I don't want to, but there is no chance to talk. Ex doesn't contact our child, and only time I hear is a text when he cancels. No co parenting relationship at all.

Just feel so stuck and in the dark! History of controlling behaviour, hence the split. Offered 50/50, but took me to court to 'put me in my place and make sure my name was mud' and got less than what I'd proposed. Just want a happy child.

What an absolute arsehole he is. You’re doing so well and co parenting for the two of you.

If he’s been told that he should be facilitating your child’s social life but he has refused to do so, then I wouldn’t be declining any more invites on his time. Accept them, and if he doesn’t cancel an hour beforehand, text him to tell him he can pick him up at 3pm and you’ll text him the address at 2pm (so he can’t turn up and try to drag him off mid event). If he doesn’t like it, he can take you back to court and explain to the Judge why he’s ignored what he was told to do.

I’d also tell your DS not to worry about Christmas and you can talk about it a bit closer to the time. Then a day or two beforehand, text him and tell him he doesn’t want to go and you’re not going to force him. What’s he going to do? Take you to Court Christmas Day? And even if he did manage to get an emergency hearing, how is he going to explain why he’s chosen not to see his son?

I think the whole court thing was nothing to do with wanting to be a dad and everything to do with wanting to show you who’s boss (turns out, not him) so I suspect if you just keep quiet, he’ll cancel anyway and you won’t have to worry about it. Or, if he does mention Christmas is still on, then tell him you’re so happy he’s having him because you’re going on a girlie trip to Malaga. He’ll cancel faster than you can say Hola!

Thank you for your reply. Unfortunately contact happens in the morning at a drop off point specified in the order, and most parties take place in the afternoon or activities are mid morning. I feel stuck as a. He cancels so much, I could theoretically rsvp and say child is going BUT if he does show up, then I feel I have let the child / parent down as child won't be there. At the moment, we are having to rsvp and say no child can't attend or child isn't enrolling on x activity, but then child hasn't gone away for months.

I worry about breaking the court order, we didn't have a judge last time, it was a magistrate who was vile and said if I didn't agree she would change the lives with order to him and I'd get visitation. What I wasn't agreeing with - I wanted to put child in childcare during the week and suggested he did pick up from there on the mid-week, he said child shouldn't live with me if I have to work. As a working Mum, I needed childcare. It was awful experience.

Problem with Christmas, it’s performative. There will be other people there expecting to see your DC, so he’s more likely to show up.

It’s really hard. I’m sorry, I have no advice, just solidarity.

As a parent, if you told me the situation I’d accommodate your dc as a ‘may show’ on the day, assuming it was practical. I wouldn’t mind you asking me whether it was possible. Sometimes it isn’t- small numbers on a paid activity- other times one more or less is very much normal.

I completely understand why you wouldn't want everyone to know your business. But as a school mom if you told me he would love to go but you couldn't guarantee it I'd understand.

This is horrible and your experience with the magistrate just shocking! Shocking ! No advice but so much sympathy.

I would maybe try a combination of the advice from others though.

1. keep a color coded calendar logging all visits and failed contact.

2. include in calendar the parties and activities child was denied.

this is in case you do go back to court.

With respect to Christmas I would send him a note or text him that you are arranging an abroad holiday and need to firm up plans so letting him know the dates. Then just assume he will no show.

Take him to court in the new year if you can get a better judge.

Im sorry thr experience last time with the magistrate was so bad but honestly this time I think you'd be in a different place. You have a log of all the cancellations and you can now show that this has detrimental effect on DC as he is missing activities.
I would honestly consider going back to court with this position and say that

But either way Id accept the activity or invite and hand over child with instructions of where to be and when and a reminder of the obligations to support child activities

Well he certainly loves to be controlling doesn’t he. I’d keep a really detailed diary of events and no shows.
I'd set up all the activities on his days and explain the situation to the host, people are very good and accommodating when they know what you’re up against.
I agree that I’d wait until closer to Christmas and then message that your son doesn’t want to go to him for Christmas. If he takes the matter to court turn up with your long list of evidence to support why your child doesn’t want to go.

This is a cunning plan! He’s almost certain to say yes, then not show to cause maximum hassle for you!

Thank you, having a little cry with a cup of tea at your kindness. I am a very private person so hadn't even considered speaking to other parents, I just didn't want to put on anyone or admit to the awful choice I made in who to have a child with :( so hadn't really considered asking if we could be a maybe. Maybe I could offer to pay for child's place if they don't go? As I wouldn't want anyone to be out of pocket.

Thank you, I think my court experience has been coloured. I had a list of non dates for the original and kept all evidence, including of the abuse, but we were told no evidence could be submitted and it was just deciding on the day. It was not what I imagined or thought the process would be. I think getting legal advice in the New Year is on the cards (just need to save and mentally prepare myself) xx

What an absolutely abusive arsehole he is. I feel so sorry for your boy. I wouldn’t ever decline invites again and I’d sign him up for weekend clubs. The order says he should be taking him to them so he is breaking the order if he doesn’t. Therefore he has no reasonable come back.

Track and record everything. Do not let him dictate and ruin your child’s life any longer.

What a dick he is!

I would start rsvp-ing yes to the things your child most wants, and book them into a Saturday afternoon club.

Don’t tell the dad, keep making available, but do what you’ve planned when he doesn’t turn up. Apologise to the other parents and still give a present if you have to cancel. You can always call to say child is sick a couple of times a year without suspicion if he doesn’t cancel on a day dc really really wants to go to something.

For Christmas, if dad’s contact starts on eg the evening of the 24th, I’d just move Christmas to the 23rd. So stocking on the night of the 22nd, family and presents on the 23rd. Xmas lunch, movies etc - the whole works. That way on the 25th child can either have a second Xmas with dad, or you can have a nice family day no stress.

I wouldn’t go back to court. I think if you carry on with what you’re doing and making available, the Dad will be out of your lives in a year. If you go back to court you risk that he’ll fight for access.

Im so sorry OP, it's really hard and that magistrate sounds awful. Why on earth could you not submit evidence? I agree with others, arrange things, accept invitations and just have a quiet word with the parent. As he gets older this gets trickier as they want to do weekly clubs and things and if the other parent won't cooperate they can't be in teams or shows.

We were having the same from my ex Son in law. I'm my DD's childcare, so eventually I put my foot down and said i'm booking things/putting her in after school activities etc. He tried the 'i'm going back to court', I don't think his solicitor would entertain him, because it didn't happen. Again it was a control issue. At the moment you are not putting your DS first. Let your ex take it back to court. You RSPV yes and if he pops up then your DS is busy. He can start to use his annual leave as contact. Things don't get trickier as they get older, courts allow children to vote with their feet, which he will.

I meant trickier as in there are more commitments as kids grow.

This sounds awful, I'm so sorry for you. The thing about co-parenting with narcissistic abusive men is that it is actually single parenting with a deranged monkey on your back (heard that on a post by Dr Ramani).

My ex often refuses to take DC to music lessons when the lessons are during his time. After a few times of losing paid classes, my partner and I invited the music teacher home for dinner, struck up a friendship, and told him what we were facing. He is now quite accommodating and we just reschedule the classes meant to be for the time DC is with ex.

I would suggest you just see if it is possible to explain your situation to the hosts of the parties or activities and see if they have anything to suggest. I'm sure they would have sympathy. Perhaps you could offer to pay if your child has to cancel at the last minute?