My toddler turned into an absolute dick

[Fascixx]

There’s no other way to put it. I am so fucking miserable. He is just 3 last week and for the last 3 weeks he’s turned into a complete dick. He was never like this before.

I thought it was illness at first like a virus. It’s clearly not. He is honestly awful. I know he’s just a child and I’m the adult but how the fuck am I supposed to handle this? I have zero support from his awful father who sees him once a week and have a very full on job.

I am so so so unhappy and don’t know how to help him. He lies on the floor screaming for what seems like an hour but more like 30 mins.

Sorry if you have tried these things but some things I found worked were -

• making things a competition. I bet you can't pick up the red toys before I pick up the blue ones
• distracting with fun,eg don't want to put socks on, the sock monster is trying to eat their foot
• empathising rather than saying things that show how ridiculous you think they're being, (yes it's really disappointing and upsetting when the blue cup is in the dishwasher and we have to use a different one, isn't it)
• giving a choice that isn't a choice- do you want to eat your fruit or vegetables first?
• reframing a 'no' - can I play outside now, yes we can play outside after we've done x. Scratching something they shouldn't- we can't scratch this but if you feel like scratching we can do this craft thing. Can I have chocolate- yes, we can have some later (rather than no not before dinner)
• not stressing about the small things that don't matter too much. If they sleep I their clothes one night it won't hurt them, but brushing teeth isn't negotiable

Oh for goodness sake. Threenager is a common term for a reason. Don’t tell the OP that her emotional state is responsible for her child JUST BEING THREE.

OP they get better every year. Mine at 2 was despicable, atrocious at 3, quite fun at 4 and a normal human mostly by 5.

My sisters daughter had full on melt down screaming kicking laying rolling on the path way the full show.
All because her mum said no you cant put a dead bird in your toy pram no we are not taking it home.
She 19 now and very normal.

I always find out useful to think of tantrums as something that was happening to them rather than something they were doing. Made it easier to sympathise.

Also, and I realise this is going to get on your nerves but it is really really true - they are bellwethers of your own mood. If you can be fake chirpy and silly as much as possible you will notice a difference. I don't really believe you can 'fake it til you make it,' but it's not hard to fill a3 year old you're the happiest person alive with a bit of effort, and the effect it has on them makes it easier to actually feel all right too.

Flowers to you - they can be little dicks at this age, no point denying it.

I just used to say go and get your teddy/security item and lie on the sofa. When you’re feeling better come and join me.

It worked so well and they learnt to emotionally regulate alone.

Solidarity! Mine turned 3 last week as well and is definitely pushing the boundaries! Is he going through and change? Mine moved to a different room at nursery when he turned 3 and think adjusting to this is part of the cause.
I have heard 3 is an extremely difficult year though!

Go to the website:

tnlc.info

Buy their books. Follow the religiously.

Sorted.

All mine went through a horrible stage when they turned 3 (having sailed through the “terrible 2s”), especially DS1. Is there somewhere safe you can put him for a short breather from each other when the behaviour gets too much? I found that helped us both to reset.

It's a very hard stage. Try to do as much research as possible, Sarah Ockwell-Smith is good -

Toddler Tantrum 101 – How to Understand and Manage Tantrums – Sarah Ockwell-Smith https://share.google/1Uev9zEI4NAU4oIvW

Edited to add link properly.

Was also going to chime in with a version of this. I see several others have too!

Kids can't help tantrumming, they have big emotions that they can't hold in. Okay. Go to your safe place until you feel better. When they're a little bit older, you can introduce reflection on the emotion, the prompt and another way of dealing with it. Three's a bit young for that, so just give him a lovely smile and something nice to do.

If everything fails, it will pass anyway

I agree with the advice not to give the tantrums too much attention. If my 3yo has repeated tantrums or is whining constantly, I ask him to go in his room because it's too loud (or I go somewhere else and tell him I'll be back when he's done).

@Fascixx have you read the mumsnet classic thread Cutted up pear? Full of the things toddlers have lost their minds over.
It's a developmental stage where theyre stying to.make sense of the world and want to be independent but can't be and they're so frustrated.
Happens again when they're teens but it's all a stage and will pass.

It’s a stage! Just keep giving love whatever you do or he’ll never go back to being calm and lovely.
Firm loving discipline is fine but never say anything nasty no matter how tough it gets - I know it’s driving you insane but he’ll come through it and you’ll be so proud, sad and relieved when he starts school!

Just posting in solidarity, no real practical advice but I also have a 3 year old who is now prone to bouts of being a total dick.

It’s always over nonsense things and gets so overblown there’s literally nothing I can do to calm the situation. Just have to let him burn himself out with screaming and throwing himself on the floor. It’s sooooo hard to not just shout back or get angry. I have failed at that a few times.

sorry you’re going through this horrible phase.

Snacks - so they don’t get hungry.
Limited choices eg walk or be carried. Not what do you want for tea ? Or what do you want to wear? I never gave mine a choice on what to wear. And no choices when they are getting worked up. They are past the point of being able to make a choice.
Reins - great for when out and about for safety, they can’t run off and it makes it easier to pick them up when they kick off.
Firm boundaries around behavior. Yes they will kick off and scream etc but that’s ok
sometimes I would wear ear plugs to dim the sounds a bit.
What has helped a lot over the years is the belief that I am the parent, I am in charge, i love them the most in the world and know what is best for them.
Follow through with consequences
Don’t apologize to your child - you are parenting them. It’s not a relationship of equals - that comes a bit later in a sort of way when they are older.
Always be prepared to leave when out and about to impose a consequence.
Distraction and fun - let’s race to get dressed/put our shoes on/get to the bath. Ooh look a digger/a train/a helicopter
Swimming knackers them out and usually guarantees a early bedtime and peaceful evening for you.
And I was so grateful they can’t tell the time so sometimes you can just put them to bed early if they have been dreadful all day .

I would take Sarah Ockwell Smith with a massive pinch of salt, actually. Her books aren’t backed up by any actual facts and most pertinently there isn’t much help. Just ‘it’s normal, wait it out,’ and while this is true there are things that can help.

Ockwell Smith is far too wordy for most two and three year olds and she also doesn’t encourage any sort of consequence, even just a ‘sit here to calm down’ sort of thing (helpful for both parties sometimes) or saying no. She says over and over she isn’t permissive but she is.

We used to step over any child that was having a tantrum and leave them to it. they soon stopped and stopped having them. On occasion DH picked DD up and moved her out into the hall. DS took the opposite approach and would cuddle, cajole, promise treats and the tantrums just got worse and more often. Children need rules and discipline.

Toddlers (and kids in general tbh) are dicks - pass it on. Especially if you know anyone child free: use a condom.

This is what they do. I never had the terrible twos it was the terrible threes. Just be consistent, introduce small consequences and time out and make sure you provide a constant stream of food.
i agree just sitting with them through it and offering them a cuddle after is often good but stay firm.

Normal unfortunately. I found hunger or thirst made mine much worse. It will change again! Xx

Ah I remember once my dd had a meltdown because her cracker was broken in half, so I took it back and gave her a “full” one, she then held it up and broke it in half and said “look mummy now I have 2”…🤯

🤣🤣🤣

Honestly I put him in nursery most of the time, ignored his shit dad and decided to stick with 1 kid.

Have they started antihistamines?

Yes, they turn into little dictators overnight, but it can also be an external influence. My 6yr old had been doing really well then suddenly reverted and it was antihistamine for allergies that did it. Took me 6 long weeks to realise though!

I’d recommend a combination of the advice above- oh dear, was that a naughty leaf? What a shame, I’m not surprised you’re sad. Have a cuddle with teddy on the sofa- followed by stepping over them and getting on with your day. Offer a cuddle when they finish and agree that it feels awful.

Developmentally normal, people talk about the terrible twos but the consensus from my friends (and tying in with my own experience) is that around aged 3 is harder! I think you just need to be consistent with boundaries and natural consequences e.g. you throw the toy and it’s gone, and push through.

My oldest is almost 3 years and 5 months, between 2 years 8 months up until a few weeks ago was difficult but we’re definitely on the other side. Developmentally he’s progressed a lot too in that time.