Help me be fair to my children

[Singlemum90]

So I have just got word that one of my children will be receiving £30,000 in a compensation claim (something I initiated due to an injury-not long term affecting thankfully!But nonetheless he was injured) which is fabulous news for getting started when he is older. Obviously he won't receive this until he's 18 and I can only hope that if we continue with teaching good financial awareness he will not blow this and could end up with no university fees or he could use it as a house deposit etc. So I'm very happy for him and very pleased we went for the claim.

As well as this I have been saving in a little stocks and shares ISA for him since he was younger. It has been a real goal for me to get all of my children to £5k in their ISA by the time they are 18. This would be for a 1st car or top up to student loans etc. It's not millions but if I can help them I want to.

Here's where the AIBU is, my husband thinks we should be stopping putting money into my son's ISA and upping the contributions into the other children's ISAs as obviously my son will have much more than them at the same age. I think the claim is irrelevant as I want to be fair to each child from us. It is unfortunate my son had an accident so he is entitled to that money. But I do understand that him having potentially £35k plus interest when they have £5k may create resentment.

We could even this out a little by putting more in the others and stopping his. He currently is on about £2.5k in his ISA at age 11. This will go up a small amount hopefully by 18 even by not touching it. I am worried about being fair to each child as a parent, my husband thinks we need to look at the bigger picture for them, that the son with the claim won't need what we can give him as much as his siblings will.

So what is fair? We are not rich by any means so unfortunately could never just hand £30k to the others 😂

I suppose it is fair to make sure everyone has the same amount of money to start up when they’re 18, but at the same time, the money was for dc due to illness. It’s almost like somebody giving one of your children ten pounds specifically for them. I doubt you’d make dc share the ten quid between all kids.. so to be fairest I’d say keep doing what your doing, you’re being fair to me!

Not the same amount but both my DC received some compensation for contracting Ecoli from a local farm age 15 months and 4yrs. DS had no symptoms but legally had to be tested due to his age so he got some compensation too. DD was quite unwell, but not hospitilised. DS is 21 now, and DD 18 in March. We haven’t evened it up no, i’d personally keep paying into all accounts.

If there is no long term impact on your DS (so won't need private therapy, or be less able to work, in pain, missing fingers etc) then I am more with your DH, in evening things up by stopping contributions to his ISA and putting more in the other DCs.
Fair isn't always equal.

Why should your son have his ISA contributions stopped because he’s going to receive some compensation? It’s like cutting someone out of a will because someone else has put them in their will. I’ve never understood that.

No I disagree with stopping his savings, that’s spending his money for him by not giving him the same you would have done. What do you then do when child B wins something or when child C starts their own business at 16? Or when child B wants to study in London which costs more, or child C gets an NHS bursary to study? It’s not child A’s fault you’ve stretched your finances significantly to have more kids than you can afford to give a proper start in life, that was your choice. Life isn’t fair and I think it’s mad to add up the pennies like this especially when it was compensation.

You are literally talking about robbing Peter to pay Paul.

Because the OP wants things to be more even for her DC and they only have limited funds.

Which is fairer 1 DC gets 35k and the others 5k, or one gets 32k and the others 7k?

It isn't as if she is planning to swipe the compensation and hand it over to the others. Just to use their limited savings to fund the other children who will benefit more.

I would keep paying the same amount into all the ISAs. The compensation is nothing to do with it and should be his alone.

Your son's money from his injury that none of the others had is completely separate from the other money. Ignore it, it isn't relevant to how much he gets from you. He deserves that money from something that doesn't concern the others.

Fair is to continue saving the same for all your children. The compensation doesn't come into it.

Being fair would be you contributing the same amount to each. The compensation money is irrelevant and in addition to for one child as they were injured. It would be deeply unfair to stop their ISA.

I see what you’re saying but life isn’t fair is it. I’d still pay into all the ISAs x

I don't think you need to be insulting. I'm not sure how you've gathered that we 'cant afford to give our children a proper start in life'. How nasty.

Each child gets individual savings in their isa to an equal amount.

Your son’s compensation goes into a separate account - that’s his money from another person for their mistake.

Then all children get equal amounts from you and you are treating them all equally.

What happens if - god forbid - between now and then another of your children suffers an injury and a payout. You can’t then start deducting their savings etc.

Think of it as teaching your children sometimes life isn’t fair - not just financially but in the things you suffer as well. For one of your children that was an injury severe enough to be compensated for.

Has your son been affected by the accident he received compensation for? Any long term affects or expenses that mean he will need to use the compensation money?
If not I agree with your husband. I would stop paying into his ISA as he won't need it. As you say you can't afford 30k for the others and he already has 2.5 k.in his ISA. So he is going to have much more than his siblings anyway.
I think it's more important to give the children what they need as individuals rather than treat them exactly the same and your elder child won't need as much financial support from you as the others will.

Actually, I wouldn't be putting money into the DCs name at all. I'd be hanging on to it and then pass a sum over as and when they have a good use for it. Some 18yos would just blow the lot.

You’ve both got the right intentions. I personally would give each the same amount. The compensation feels separate to me

This is in addition to whatever normal help we will give

It's probably a conversation with the eldest when he's 17/18 - and if he wants to share his compensation with his siblings so they all have the same- in a few years you'll have a better sense of likely pathways etc and if the accident doesn't have any long term financial needs to consider rhe may be happy to split it three ways?

we did this with our kids trust fund isa things from the government - child 1s massively outperformed child 2s - because of where they ended up when the original company closed - we agreed to pool the funds and then split them equally between them as that seemed fair and tricky that one benefitted from a random allocation of funds over the other - once we got them back we then managed them more closely but it was over a year of trying to find details of the company that had taken them over -

Compensation is separate. I would look at that as a direct payment to him. You’re just the middle man. It has nothing to do with you. If one of your other children had a lottery win or some other random windfall age 17 would you take money out their ISA to “even it up” ? No. You give them each the same and any other life events in their individual lives that may result in increased funds are irrelevant.

I’m with your husband, it seems fairer to me that they all end up with a similar set up fund rather than your son having thirty thousand pounds more than his siblings.
BUT… Also worth bearing in mind not everybody sees it like this. I have a friend whose mum passed away recently and the inheritance has caused major issues. My friend owns her house outright, has a well paying job, good pension plan ect, she also has one child.
Her brother also has one child, stuck in private rent, works but is on minimum wage. They are all in the same age bracket.
The mum left 80 thousand to each grandchild, 50 thousand to my friend and 200 thousand to my friends brother. I can understand why, he can now buy a small house, my friend lives in a house that’s worth well over a million. She is very bitter about this and has ruined there relationship, they were close before and I’m not sure they will ever speak again.

Id be tempted to just pool all the savings your are making for dc in one pot rather than individual names accounts, then have that conversation when they are older and include them in it to see how'd they feel.

Presumably your DS has been awarded this money because his injury was considered to have caused him sufficient detriment he should be compensated. Your other DC have not suffered the detriment, so have nothing to be compensated for. The fair thing is to treat your DC equally ignoring the £30k, because that money is really nothing to do with anyone but your DS.
When your DC grow up, there will be all sorts of variables that will impact their financial position in relation to each other. Respective salaries, partners earnings etc. So they won't be equal anyway. You can only be equal in what you give.

Thanks so much everyone, I think the consensus is that we continue with the even payments as they are now, as his compensation will be a separate windfall for him. The monthly investment from us from now until they are 18 into their ISA is small and we will obviously help with anything else they need when they get to that stage (as much as we can!) but I think it is nice if they are all aware they are equal to us and we have saved equally for them rather than giving less to my son just because he had an unfortunate accident.

My 2 children earn different amounts but I always give them the same if we have spare money