Aibu not to tell exDH about daughter's head injury?

[janiejonstone]

I'm a single parent and I'm currently so tired that I've lost the ability to make any decision without the help of mumsnet. Anyway. ExDH has been fairly absent from our lives since he left a year ago. Theoretically he spends an afternoon a week with DD8, but he often cancels at short notice. Ten days ago he let me know that he wouldn't be able to see her for five weeks (no explanation, I presume work related as he travels a lot). I'm very pissed off and sad about this; DD is upset and disappointed but ok. We've had no communication from him since.

Last night when I was picking her up from after school club she ran, slipped on the floor and flew backwards in a dramatic way, whacking her head on the concrete floor when she hit the ground. It was horrible and we were both very shaken by it. She has first aid at school and I monitored her very closely all night with 111 on speed dial. I've kept her home today as she has a bit of a headache and feeling pretty tired, but she's otherwise fine.

My Q is whether I should tell her dad about it. It didn't occur to me to do so yesterday. My reason not to is basically because he can be horribly cold and mean over messages and I'd rather not have to have any interaction with him. He also might not respond at all, which would somehow be worse. BUT I feel really hypocritical about not telling him. If she'd been with him when it happened I'd want to know immediately, and be furious if he didn't tell me.

What's the issue with telling him? As in will he use it against you? Can tou just factually text him and then not engage further if he is antagonistic?Surely your daughter will tell him about it?

I think you need to get her checked out at hospital if she has a headache. I would also tell your ex

Telling dad is the least of your problems. She’s showing signs of a serious head injury/concussion and needs proper medical attention from a real doctor not an okay from Shirley who did a 5 day course in putting plasters on and applying CPR to a doll within the last three years. Thinking about calling 111 is nothing like actually calling them.

There is nothing to tell. She fell but ultimately noting happened. You’d not be fretting about telling him she grazed her knee. It would be different if you’d needed to call an ambulance or spend the night in hospital or if he was seeing her today you’d mention it so he was aware but as he isn’t, it’s not a problem.

I agree unless it turns out that she has a potentially serious head injury or has to spend the night in hospital, then I don't think he needs to know. She had an accident like kids do and you are taking care of her injuries.

She’s showing signs of concussion so you should seek actual medical help.
But I wouldn’t bother with letting ex know as he sounds like a useless uninterested twat.

Thanks all. To be clear, I'm fully and recently trained in first aid plus did all the online 111 questions. NHS advice is very clear that if it's a mild headache then there's nothing needed but rest and monitoring. If it has progressed into any of the signs of concussion then I obviously would have spoken to someone directly. Even for mild concussion, the advice is that medial attention not needed unless it continues for a couple of weeks.

I don’t think you need to tell him anything at all about a minor injury that has no long term impact on your child or impact on him. If she was going to be in his care obviously he’d need to know to keep an eye on her but if he’s abroad then there’s nothing he can do with the information anyway. I think I’d answer honestly if he bothered getting in contact and asking how she was, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to tell him.

You’d want to know because you’re a caring and involved parent. Would you settle for seeing your child for an afternoon a week, so long as it didn’t interfere with anything else you were doing? Would you just drop her for over a month with no explanation? Would you be out of contact for ten days? No, because you aren’t like him. If you don’t want to tell him then don’t.

Thank you.

He lost the right to know about this when he decided to see his dd so little. Fuck him.

Nothing really happened 🤷‍♀️ so no, I wouldn’t tell
him.

I assume you would want him to tell you if the situation was reversed. So tell him. 🙄

I think you should take her to be seen just so he can’t make a charge of medical neglect against you. Even just having her see her GP for a quick check would be sufficient.

once she gets checked over, send him a written message. Again, so he can’t claim you are withholding information.

Did you take her to emergency to be evaluated for concussion? If not, you need to.

As for letting him know, get results first. Yes, he should be notified if she has a concussion. He needs to be aware of current medical conditions and know her medical history. She could develop post concussion syndrome.

Take the moral high ground and send him a simple matter of fact message, nothing more.

I would suggest you tell him the next time he phones.

if he’s not sufficiently interested in keeping in touch then it’s his loss. If he phones regularly then he will be told quickly.

When he says you “should have told” him, I’d remind him that HE should have phoned HER more frequently and then hed have found out more quickly. Balls in his court to keep up a relationship with his child. Maybe next time he will make more effort.

Yes but OP is a caring and involved parent. Sounds like her ex is a useless absent one.

But she doesn't have an "injury"...

If 111 don’t think she needs seeing and she is fine other than a mild headache then I don’t see any need to go sit in A&E for hours when she’s not going to fit the criteria for a scan.
Regarding telling him - if he were watching her over the next few days and needed to monitor for signs of worsening concussion then you’d absolutely need to fill him in fully straight away. Otherwise it’s probably best to mention as you’d feel uncomfortable / hypocritical otherwise - but no need to play it up - she fell and bumped her head, was upset enough that she might mention it in the future but didn’t need any medical attention. Don’t expect any kind / understanding response, you can feel good you’ve kept the high ground.

Thanks all. He doesn't phone (either me or her) or ask how for updates on how she is, so if I don't say anything then the next time we hear from him won't be for another month. But yes I agree that taking the moral high ground is possible and I'll just do a factual update.

On the question of why not, tbh it's just because any interaction with him makes me feel really anxious. So I'll be nervous about his reply until he replies, and he might not. But I'll just try to manage that.

Maybe taking these opportunities to send simple factual messages can help you deal with your anxiety issues so that he doesn't continue to have this level of control over your emotions.