Aibu recurring dream

[Amelia1909]

I sent the below to my husband this morning. I know it’s not his fault I have this dream (recurring dream in similar vein). I also know other peoples dreams are boring. But Aibu that giving me a half hug and saying ‘I’ll have to stop leaving you in bed’ - (I told him the dream woke me at 6am). Isn’t enough? Ive told him each time I’ve had this dream - for years. He never reacts. How do I bring this back up and ask him to help me with these fears?! I mean there’s repressed and repressed right..????? If he told me he had that dream over and over I’d do something wouldn’t you???

My nice dream..

Im admitting to everyone you’re divorcing me. You’ve gone. You Came back after couple of weeks away with goatie beard. I Smashed up all the furniture we’d had built with an axe. Woman turned up and came into our room and put a coffee down and I say I think you’ll find that’s my side of the bed and our daughter is in same room. Woman Started shouting at me and you and her laughing. Had told Chris. Claire. Jeff. Parents. Kate you were leaving me.
I was thinking how to separate all our stuff and couldn’t sleep so went for. A Walk to see tiny calf’s to make me feel better. You are cold and distant don’t care. You are Leaving because children are older. One at uni. You are Acting completely normally. Am heart broken and devastated. Hoping you’ll realise he loves me still and stay. Wondering how we will split everything. Keep telling myself to start by googling actions you need to take when husband divorces you.

It's just a dream. Nobody wants to listen to other people's dreams. There is no response to give. He was just trying to be supportive.

Maybe talk to a therapist? I get really ropey dreams every night and it's not fun. But I wouldn't discuss them with people as there's nothing they can say or do about it.

If he told me he had that dream over and over I’d do something wouldn’t you???

What on earth do you want him to do? I’m sorry but I think you’re being ridiculous.

I think you have genuine concerns about your relationship, but I don't think your husband can help you. Do you think he's really going to leave you? Are you really uncertain about your future together?

If the answer is no, and you are totally secure - then it's just your brain firing off with the 'what ifs', all those fears that you have but consciously know are ridiculous. If the answer is yes, then there's nothing he can really do to reassure you past them.

Maybe talk to someone about how this insecurity is affecting you.

I also know other peoples dreams are boring.

Last night I dreamed that a global world ending event was happening. I was desperately trying to hide my tiny infant child under his bed and keep him quiet, but he didn’t understand why I was leaving him there alone. I was in fact going to try and distract from the wave of half humanoid monsters about to burst through the door and find him. The fear of the situation and guilt on leaving him alone and unsafe was overwhelming. The monsters each had different grotesque faces and the world itself was like something I’d never seen. This is my normal. And no, I don’t find it particularly interesting or expect anyone else to either.

Your dream by comparison actually sounds incredibly boring to me. I’m sure it sounds boring to him too, considering how many times you’ve repeatedly had and described the exact same one to him. Dreams are deeply personal and while the horror and torment we feel at the time is real it’s our duty to address the underlying feelings worries and concerns that cause these dreams to manifest.

Agree that you need a therapist. Clearly you’re concerned your partner will leave you and your insecurities are something you need to work through. Your DP shouldn’t need to make a big show and dance every time you dream he’s cheating or leaving you.

I’m afraid dreams are a ‘you’ issue. He can’t help you solve it. The dream is a metaphor.
I often dream about my old schoolteacher. I know that she’s my brain's metaphor for authority figures / pressure of expectations. It’s not actually about her, and she couldn’t help me ‘solve’ my nightmare.

If your nightmares are really upsetting you, you need to talk to a therapist and work out what unconscious fears they might be representing. It’s not something you can reasonably expect your husband to fix.

Also if we’re sharing dreams, last night I dreamed about wading across muddy floodwater, and about a Christmas quiz where Prince William was there and I told him off for cheating and looking up the answers on his phone…
(see, other people’s dreams are both baffling and boring…)

What do you expect him to do about this? You could take some actions to feel more secure but you can’t make someone else act. I’d be perplexed if I received that message from a spouse.

I do ‘fantasise’ about my husband getting ill, dying, or divorcing me, but I know that it’s a protective measure so I feel like I have a plan if that ever happens. It’s an anxiety/neurotic/preparedness thing.

But Aibu that giving me a half hug and saying ‘I’ll have to stop leaving you in bed’ - (I told him the dream woke me at 6am). Isn’t enough? Ive told him each time I’ve had this dream - for years. He never reacts. How do I bring this back up and ask him to help me with these fears?! I mean there’s repressed and repressed right..????? If he told me he had that dream over and over I’d do something wouldn’t you???

Sorry... what? What on earth do you expect your husband to do about your recurring dream? Why would he react? It's a dream. There's nothing to react to. His response sounds completely proportionate and normal to me.

If my partner sent me something as intense and angsty as the message you've posted above, about a bloody dream, I'd think he'd gone a bit nuts. A few times over the years we've both had dreams about splitting up, and certainly we've mentioned it in passing, but it's been more like one of us saying "God, I had a horrible dream last night where you told me you were leaving me" and the other one saying "Aw, don't worry, I'm not going anywhere" and that's basically the sum total of the conversation about it.

I have a recurring dream where my family - parents and siblings - are incredibly unpleasant to me and I feel completely rejected. I've had it for about 45 years now. But I don't message them demanding they 'do something' about it because it's my dream that comes from my head and is clearly about my insecurities and anxieties that they are not even remotely responsible for fixing. My response to it is to wake up and think 'Ugh, I really hate that dream. I'm so pleased my family aren't like that in real life'.

Unless there is a massive dripfeed coming in which you reveal that your husband has had multiple affairs and ends every day by saying 'I might divorce you tomorrow' before he goes to sleep, you are being extremely unreasonable.

I’m not sure what you’re expecting him to do to be honest. If it’s a recurring dream and you always tell him about it, what’s he supposed to say each time?
I have recurring dream themes where I’m up high or I need to get through an assault course to get to somewhere and I might have mentioned it the first time but what would be the point of keep mentioning it?

If you're looking for reassurance from him you need to have an honest conversation and tell him what you're worried about. It's obvious to you because it's in your head, but it's not obvious to him, so you'll need to stop expecting him to guess.

I have a similar recurring one and another where DH and my parents are all behaving horrifically towards me (they are all lovely in real life!), I don’t know where it comes from because I am happy and secure in those relationships. It does affect my mood when I have had this dream so I understand why it upsets you, I have never told anyone in real life though! I have very real, vivid dreams in general every night, I wish I could stop them.

Ah cross post about the family one, isn’t it strange!

Look, I have dreamed that I was in a relationship with a biscuit, dreams are mostly nonsense, and can reflect some anxieties and insecurities, but they're not to be taken literally (unless there is actually a future for me and Mr. Biscuit)

Sounds like a dream come true that

Yeah, I think a lot of people have dreams like that. I expect it's because we all subconsciously fear losing/being rejected by the people we love most.

I had a few years where I had a recurring dream that I gave birth to live snakes that turned into rabbits soon after. I once dreamed I was swimming in a pool of eyeballs. I have recurring dreams about needing to squeeze through a really small hole in the floor to get out of a room but my head or shoulder gets stuck, but I don’t expect my mum to reassure me that my birth was straightforward every time it happens. In fact I’ve never mentioned that dream to her.

You sound really insecure and like you’re expecting your DH to solve a you problem, and working on that tendency to externalise your issues will probably make your marriage more secure, reducing your insecurity about it.

literally make me laugh out loud! 😂