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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel bad about not seeing the grandparents abroad this half term?

21 replies

lovingautumn22 · 24/10/2025 09:58

I'm originally from a EU country, and have settled in the UK with a lovely family and work (met DH at Uni, the usual!:)) . The plan was always to move back "home" eventually but it's proven really tricky with changing jobs and now DS is so happy at school and with his friends it would feel cruel to move. We go back to see my parents (who are elderly but incredibly fit and well, touch wood!) usually in every school holiday (I can make it work with work). This one time I proposed for my parents to come over instead, but they said no, and that they'll come at Easter instead. We are going there for Christmas. For some reason I feel really bad about not seeing them, though my DH says I am being silly- they have every opportunity to come over and hardly ever do. AIBU to feel bad they are not seeing the grandchild this time?

OP posts:
UsernameMcUsername · 24/10/2025 10:12

I'm also from elsewhere in the EU and every holiday is a lot! Obviously I don't know how old your children are, but the dynamic may need to change with older children anyway, as they may want to start seeing more of their friends in school holidays. Mine are teen and preteen, and while they enjoy their trips to my home country, I know they would hate going every holiday. We got 2-3 times a year

Original poster
lovingautumn22 · 24/10/2025 10:13

UsernameMcUsername · 24/10/2025 10:12

I'm also from elsewhere in the EU and every holiday is a lot! Obviously I don't know how old your children are, but the dynamic may need to change with older children anyway, as they may want to start seeing more of their friends in school holidays. Mine are teen and preteen, and while they enjoy their trips to my home country, I know they would hate going every holiday. We got 2-3 times a year

Edited

Yes, I know....it's a lot. And sometimes it's just so nice to stay here! I feel so guilty for being so far away from them. I think sometimes it'd be better if we moved back for that very reason!

OP posts:
sittingonabeach · 24/10/2025 10:16

@lovingautumn22 where is your DH from, if you move back would you just be separating your DH from his family?

Original poster
lovingautumn22 · 24/10/2025 10:17

sittingonabeach · 24/10/2025 10:16

@lovingautumn22 where is your DH from, if you move back would you just be separating your DH from his family?

Yes my DH is from the UK and his family are nearby. We get on well with them and see them often, I am much closer to my parents than he is though. Also, we have spoken many times about this and DH would be happy to live in my home country.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovingautumn22 · 24/10/2025 10:24

I guess what I am asking is- do I have to feel bad for not seeing them this half term, or do you think they could have easily travelled over to see us if they wanted (it's less than 2 hours flight?)

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sittingonabeach · 24/10/2025 10:26

@lovingautumn22 can they afford it? Do they have other family nearby? As others have said, travelling over there every holiday might get trickier as DC get older

Original poster
lovingautumn22 · 24/10/2025 10:27

sittingonabeach · 24/10/2025 10:26

@lovingautumn22 can they afford it? Do they have other family nearby? As others have said, travelling over there every holiday might get trickier as DC get older

Yes, money is absolutely no problem at all, they could easily afford it but only visit every 1.5 years or so. And no, my sister lives abroad as well... which is why I am thinking it might be better if I did move back..It's a shame as we have a lovely life here with lots of friends and we're in a beautiful part of the country, but my parents don't speak English and would never consider moving closer here.

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SmallPotatoAdventCalendar · 24/10/2025 10:31

We were "the grandparents abroad" for several years. It was lovely to see the children/grand-children, but we were fully aware that our children and their partners were juggling family life, childcare, school holidays etc etc. Obviously they had limited annual leave and budgets so we certainly didn't expect them to use all of this coming to visit us at every possible opportunity.

We are now back in the UK. We had a fabulous Christmas last year with a house full, but this year is clearly the "other lots" turn. Unusually for MN, we won't be falling to the floor and wailing about being "excluded" or guilt tripping either of the children about us being all alone for Christmas. We'll have a lovely time - not getting up at stupid o'clock, eating meals at "normal" times and not dealing with the noise and chaos of three small, excited people.

You're seeing your parents for Christmas - that will be here before you know it.

Original poster
lovingautumn22 · 24/10/2025 10:34

SmallPotatoAdventCalendar · 24/10/2025 10:31

We were "the grandparents abroad" for several years. It was lovely to see the children/grand-children, but we were fully aware that our children and their partners were juggling family life, childcare, school holidays etc etc. Obviously they had limited annual leave and budgets so we certainly didn't expect them to use all of this coming to visit us at every possible opportunity.

We are now back in the UK. We had a fabulous Christmas last year with a house full, but this year is clearly the "other lots" turn. Unusually for MN, we won't be falling to the floor and wailing about being "excluded" or guilt tripping either of the children about us being all alone for Christmas. We'll have a lovely time - not getting up at stupid o'clock, eating meals at "normal" times and not dealing with the noise and chaos of three small, excited people.

You're seeing your parents for Christmas - that will be here before you know it.

Thank you so much for your reply! It's a great perspective to have- my parents are probably quite happy staying home and I am making it out to be a massive thing 😅I guess I am just sad that I cannot see them more often...

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Original poster
lovingautumn22 · 24/10/2025 10:39

I think as well as me feeling bad I see so many grandparents who are more than happy to visit several times per year from abroad...

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Endofyear · 24/10/2025 10:49

I don't think you should feel bad - they could visit you if they really want to see their grandchild. Half term is only a few days and it's perfectly reasonable to want to stay at home and see friends etc. You'll see them at Christmas which isn't long now.

Hoppinggreen · 24/10/2025 11:00

lovingautumn22 · 24/10/2025 10:27

Yes, money is absolutely no problem at all, they could easily afford it but only visit every 1.5 years or so. And no, my sister lives abroad as well... which is why I am thinking it might be better if I did move back..It's a shame as we have a lovely life here with lots of friends and we're in a beautiful part of the country, but my parents don't speak English and would never consider moving closer here.

Edited
Show quote history

So are you parents the ONLY reason for moving back to your home country?
If so then I probably wouldn't, they can visit you easily by the sounds of it but don't so why do you feel so guilty?
It may bee bettr to try and ease away from all holidays now since as your DS gets older he may have other plans for the holidays

Original poster
lovingautumn22 · 24/10/2025 11:03

Hoppinggreen · 24/10/2025 11:00

So are you parents the ONLY reason for moving back to your home country?
If so then I probably wouldn't, they can visit you easily by the sounds of it but don't so why do you feel so guilty?
It may bee bettr to try and ease away from all holidays now since as your DS gets older he may have other plans for the holidays

Show quote history

Yeah that is true... well it is a wonderful and wealthy country where I am from, but I always loved the UK and the people here, and we really have made such a lovely home. My sons' school is fab and we have made so many friends. Yes, really in all honesty, it would only be for my parents that I would move back. But I'd like to be there for them if they need me.

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SmallPotatoAdventCalendar · 24/10/2025 11:08

lovingautumn22 · 24/10/2025 10:39

I think as well as me feeling bad I see so many grandparents who are more than happy to visit several times per year from abroad...

We were always happy to visit from abroad, but again, that had to be at times that fitted in with them and their plans, so we would try to incorporate any visits into a longer "road trip" so that we arrived relaxed and had a couple of days downtime afterwards. We are in our 60s/70s and lucky enough to be fit and healthy, but time with the grandchildren is still absolutely exhausting (in a good way - wouldn't change it for the world!).

Don't feel bad - you have your own lives to juggle and it's not always possible to keep all the balls in the air.

TheSandgroper · 24/10/2025 12:06

Well, you moved away and made your life away. You can’t expect others to follow you and it’s a bad idea to try to live two lives.

Original poster
lovingautumn22 · 24/10/2025 12:15

TheSandgroper · 24/10/2025 12:06

Well, you moved away and made your life away. You can’t expect others to follow you and it’s a bad idea to try to live two lives.

Hope you feel better for your snippy comment. You know nothing about my circumstances etc I am just trying to keep everyone happy.

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Justcallmedaffodil · 24/10/2025 12:21

lovingautumn22 · 24/10/2025 12:15

Hope you feel better for your snippy comment. You know nothing about my circumstances etc I am just trying to keep everyone happy.

Show quote history

Your parents don’t seem to have suggested they’re unhappy though? So why risk upsetting the status quo of your life for a non-issue. So you miss going back one half term, it’s not a big deal. You’ve offered to have them come to you and they’ve said no, so they’re clearly not that desperate to see you. Christmas is only a couple of months away.

TheSandgroper · 24/10/2025 12:23

I am the child of immigrants who moved so far away from Mammy that if you left, you stayed left. I moved hemispheres and there was no going every half term or even every year to see the grandparents.

I moved. I made a life where I chose to live. I had to make that decision. And Dh eventually had to make that decision, too.

This is reality. You have a previous life and a now life. There are costs to that. You have to find peace with those costs or make changes.

And keeping other people happy is not normally a good reason to make decisions. It only leads to resentment on your part and obliviousness on the part of others.

NattyRedFinch · 24/10/2025 12:25

Don’t feel bad, if they really wanted to see you then they would. You are at a very busy stage in your lives and they are not. It’s their choice.

Original poster
lovingautumn22 · 24/10/2025 12:27

TheSandgroper · 24/10/2025 12:23

I am the child of immigrants who moved so far away from Mammy that if you left, you stayed left. I moved hemispheres and there was no going every half term or even every year to see the grandparents.

I moved. I made a life where I chose to live. I had to make that decision. And Dh eventually had to make that decision, too.

This is reality. You have a previous life and a now life. There are costs to that. You have to find peace with those costs or make changes.

And keeping other people happy is not normally a good reason to make decisions. It only leads to resentment on your part and obliviousness on the part of others.

Yes, you are right with this. Thank you. Maybe I need to reassess and see if moving us all might be better in the long run. I'm just worried about ds who is six and very happy here.

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Caspianberg · 24/10/2025 12:46

No we only go back to uk around once a year. Dh parents come out and see us once or occasionally twice a year. We also have other friends visit us. Our home has space to host, in the uk we have to rent air b and b or hotel.

Honestly it’s too much otherwise if it’s every holiday and half term. We have work/ school/ life/ other commitments. Ds friends are here. House needs work. Our friends are here. Going back to uk every 5-6 weeks would be madness. And Costly

It’s half term next week here. We have various day to day appointments and life to be getting on with and will chill in between

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