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AIBU?

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Original poster

Haunted by a mistake from years ago. Help!

32 replies

Anothermistake2 · 23/10/2025 19:26

About 18 years ago, I went on a night out with family and friends. We were very young. Quite a few of us camped out that night in one of the friends flats after having many drinks. I was 21. I can’t remember exactly when this happened, and feel like I have blocked it out for years, but I woke in the night and was kissing someone. It was a friend of my sibling who was about 30 at the time. I either had a boyfriend or was engaged, and immediately stopped when I realised what was happening. I don’t know how it happened, but can only assume he started kissing me whilst I was asleep and in my drunk/sleeping state, I initially thought it was my husband/fiancé who wasn’t even there that night.

Like I said, I stopped it instantly. Others were asleep in the living room where I was and so I didn’t make a fuss, was also mortified about this so didn’t tell a soul. I rolled over and went to sleep. When we all woke in the morning, the man was gone.

Since this memory popped into my head, I’m feeling like I’m an awful wife. Deceitful. I feel like I need to confess to this, but no that no good could come from it. I just feel wrecked with guilt and don’t really know what to do.

Im hoping you can all help me through this, as I can’t open up to anyone in real life. But I’m also afraid to get flamed on here, because I don’t think my mental health can deal with it. AIBU to feel like the worst wife and mother alive right now? Please be gentle.

OP posts:
BreadstickBurglar · 23/10/2025 19:29

You feel awful because you were sexually assaulted. I had a friend do that to me once and I can imagine how much more of a muddle it would have been if I’d been in a relationship.

It was wrong of him to do that, it wasn’t your fault, it’s not a kiss if one person is asleep and wouldn’t consent to it. Please let go of shame on yourself. ❤️

DisplayPurposesOnly · 23/10/2025 19:31

This is a bit of a non event, OP. Has it really been on your mind for 18 years, or is it that youre currently dwelling on it because your mental health isn't good?

Keroppi · 23/10/2025 19:32

Awww, be kind to yourself! Say out loud you forgive yourself and it was an unfortunate moment.

You're holding onto guilt and shame, when really the man should be feeling shame for drunkenly coming onto someone he knew was in a rship. Perhaps write it on a paper and burn it immediately and envision your guilt being burned. Sounds a bit woo but can really help. You can't keep beating yourself up about it! Definitely don't confess as it's simply not worth it.

ZippyPeer · 23/10/2025 19:32

This was never your mistake, that man took advantage of you

PersephoneParlormaid · 23/10/2025 19:33

These things tend to come out when you’re anxious. It happened to me around peri, having flash backs.

Ankleblisters · 23/10/2025 19:33

If you were asleep when he started kissing you, that's sexual assault OP. This is NOT your fault and you have done nothing wrong. Please, go easy on yourself.
Are you sure there is no one you can speak to in real life? A therapist or counsellor maybe? Or a helpline?
I'm sending you a hand hold xxx

Sarover · 23/10/2025 19:36

Your feelings about this incident are totally out of proportion. It was a very long time ago, you did nothing wrong and you are certainly, definitely not a bad wife. Nobody rational would think that.

Your reaction definitely does not indicate that you did anything wrong, but it is something to be concerned about because it is a sign that you are very fragile and anxious. Feelings of guilt about something which really isn’t bad is often a sign of depression. You do need to act. You need to concentrate your thoughts not on what you did ‘wrong’, but what you can do to take care of yourself. A trip to your GP and some counselling would be a good idea plus paying attention to things like your sleep and diet.

dairydebris · 23/10/2025 19:36

I think you need to look deeper for the cause of your guilt / anxiety. Its absolutely not normal to be concerned about something that happened 18 years ago that nobody else even knows about. What happened then wasn't even your fault and has absolutely zero relevance to yourself as a wife and mother now. You need to ask yourself why this has popped into your head right now.

Childanddogmama · 23/10/2025 19:37

You are not an awful wife and you shouldn't feel guilty. I would say try to put it out of your mind but it seems like that might be difficult for you at the moment. Is your husband supportive? If so you could discuss it with him but you aren't 'confessing' because you did nothing wrong.

Bumdrops · 23/10/2025 19:39

Sarover · 23/10/2025 19:36

Your feelings about this incident are totally out of proportion. It was a very long time ago, you did nothing wrong and you are certainly, definitely not a bad wife. Nobody rational would think that.

Your reaction definitely does not indicate that you did anything wrong, but it is something to be concerned about because it is a sign that you are very fragile and anxious. Feelings of guilt about something which really isn’t bad is often a sign of depression. You do need to act. You need to concentrate your thoughts not on what you did ‘wrong’, but what you can do to take care of yourself. A trip to your GP and some counselling would be a good idea plus paying attention to things like your sleep and diet.

Agree with this !

look up rumination - sounds like u have got stuck ruminating in this ?

ChiliFiend · 23/10/2025 19:45

Someone started kissing you while you were asleep - and you're blaming yourself? This person was way older; he made sure he was gone in the morning because he was a coward and afraid you'd tell everyone what he had done. This is a situation to feel angry about rather than guilty. It's kind of depressing that that's not obvious to you, if this is real.

Original poster
Anothermistake2 · 23/10/2025 19:50

ChiliFiend · 23/10/2025 19:45

Someone started kissing you while you were asleep - and you're blaming yourself? This person was way older; he made sure he was gone in the morning because he was a coward and afraid you'd tell everyone what he had done. This is a situation to feel angry about rather than guilty. It's kind of depressing that that's not obvious to you, if this is real.

I know this is logically true, but then I start thinking thoughts like “but I should have told my husband” who was my bf/fiancé at the time. Or “what if it was me who started it and I just can’t remember”, which I really can’t see being the case. I mean, how would that possibly happen in my sleep. And then the fact that he was gone in the morning, would logically be evidence that he felt guilty. Especially since he drove home after having loads to drink. I just keep doubting myself.

OP posts:
FullLondonEye · 23/10/2025 19:50

But what happened has nothing to do with you as a wife or mother - presumably this was before you were either of these things? Something in your mind is conflating this incident (awful but not in any way your fault) with your current status and I think it'll require quite a bit of unpicking and probably some professional help to find out why.

Sarover · 23/10/2025 19:57

@Anothermistake2 every person posting on here has told you that you did nothing wrong. And it’s a fact. You did nothing wrong and it was a very long time ago. It really is not rational or helpful to your life or relationship now to ruminate on this non event. If you really are concerned about being a good wife now you need to tackle your irrational anxiety as that is something that will certainly contribute to a tense family life.

What do you think about the fact that everyone is telling you that you did nothing wrong? Does it make you wonder if your thoughts are not rational? If you are not taking on board what other people are saying, if you have no insight into your behaviour, then you need help.

uselesseuphless · 23/10/2025 20:02

Look up pure ocd. Ruminating over past and needing things clear in your head is classic. Hope you’re okay x

verycloakanddaggers · 23/10/2025 20:03

This was a scary incident, it was assault.

When something scary happens, it can be preferable to make it your own fault, because that's less scary.

You could see a therapist to talk this through.

Bumdrops · 23/10/2025 20:05

I should have …
what if ….
You are ruminating !!

hellowhaaat3632 · 23/10/2025 20:06

Talk to your husband? If he's a decent guy he should feel angry the man assaulted you.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 23/10/2025 20:20

You mentioned your MH could not take being flamed right now - I am wondering if this is why this is happening? When we are struggling more in life in a general way, our brains will start to retrieve more difficult memories, and go over them to try to update our understanding of them. But if you are generally feeling down and bad about yourself, you are likely to come up with negative ideas about yourself as a result of this process. Its a really horrible chicken and egg situation - you feel bad, so this happens and it makes you feel worse, so it happens more, etc etc.

If could be a trauma response, but from what you have described, it sounds more likely that what you are experiencing are intrusive thoughts. They are very common, we all have them, but in some people they are lot harder to ignore or move on from. Its normal to try to think your way out of them but all you are doing is strengthening them. Not all of our thoughts are equal, and not all need to be responded to. Naming them as intrusions is one way of dealing with them, then refocusing on something else. This will help you start seeing them as what they are - just thoughts- without giving them too much power. Or you might ask yourself if it is helpful to keep doing this? And refocus your attention. Mindfulness can help with this.

If you find this hard to do, refer to a talking therapies program, or if you have an EAP, CBT can help with this kind of thinking. Take care.

HedwigEliza · 23/10/2025 20:23

hellowhaaat3632 · 23/10/2025 20:06

Talk to your husband? If he's a decent guy he should feel angry the man assaulted you.

This could just make things worse. What’s the point in bringing this up now after so many years? What can anyone do about it? Don’t dwell on it, forget it and move on with life. Nothing good will come from ruminating on it now.

Sasha07 · 23/10/2025 20:24

Please be gentle with yourself.

If you have intrusive thoughts about it, try taking magnesium. It sounds mad but I sometimes suffer from pointless, useless, historical stuff about things that annoy me, especially ones that I didn't advocate more for myself.

On those days, if I remember to, I take magnesium and it definitely works (for me atleast) so I'd suggest trying that in the meantime.

I know it's hard to get therapy unless you go private, but my friend paid £60 for an hour and just that one session helped him alot.

What are you looking to achieve, what's the fine issue that's keeping it in your head? Do you believe you cheated? Do you believe he took advantage of you? If so, are you struggling with that? Do you need support from your husband that it happened and need him as a safe place or for his forgiveness? Try writing things down. See what wants to come out. It may help you organise your thoughts.

But be gentle with yourself. The way you're talking, it sounds like you've tortured yourself enough with this. It isn't healthy and you don't deserve to feel this way. CBT would help you retrain your mindset if you feel it'd benefit you.

Borethefuckoff · 23/10/2025 20:52

You’ll never know what happened.
It clearly meant nothing.
Forget about it and accept that.
Telling your partner after this long will only make him feel like he maybe can’t trust you and open up a can of worms that don’t need to be.
You’re all good….

Original poster
Anothermistake2 · 23/10/2025 20:56

Thank you everyone.

I can’t afford therapy but will see if the gp can help. My husband knows this man, so talking to him would create drama in our lives. I have been feeling down and so maybe it’s anxiety or depression causing this spiral…

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 23/10/2025 21:00

You don’t know if you had a boyfriend or Fiancé at the time .. is that right ? Why you feeling guilty, if you don’t even know what your relationship was?

Theorderoftime · 23/10/2025 21:01

Please be gentle with yourself. You didn’t do anything wrong. This sounds like something that happened to you, not something you caused. And as you said, you stopped it as soon as you realised what was happening.

I know therapy can be expensive but EMDR therapy could really help you process it. And, importantly, it often only takes a few sessions. So it can be really cost effective.

You don’t have to go through this alone 🌷