Currently living abroad, return to UK

[Nunu90]

Hi,

We’re currently in the US due to my husband’s job for a year. We agreed that if we liked it after a year, we’d consider staying for three years.

I reluctantly pulled my son out of his preschool, and he is due to start school in September 2026 in the UK school system. So far we have been here six weeks and he has not settled at all at his new school, and every day is heartbreaking having to drop him off. I’m now thinking that if he were to return home after three years he will struggle to adapt again and this would in turn affect his education. Am I being unreasonable to consider moving back to the UK months down the line if he continues to remain unsettled and then move forward with him starting school in the UK?

sorry if this appears to lack information as I am typing very quickly.

It doesn’t make sense, sorry. Timeline?

Generally though, some children are ‘slow-approach’ and don’t like transitions and change. Some aren’t. It’s a very stable, hard-wired trait. Which means he will struggle changing schools and countries. But to a small child, countries and schools aren’t that different. To a teenager, completely focused on peers and social life, it’s everything. To a small child, as long as you are there and stable, it’s less disruptive.

I don’t want to post too much about the time like due to it ‘outing’ me. But we relocated here six weeks ago. I was reluctant to move due to reservations about the US in general, and leaving our support network of family and friends. My son thrived at his preschool, adored his teachers and friends. He’s bright, bubbly and outgoing.

Since moving here, he has been begging me not to take him to school, and keeps saying he misses his old nursery and wants to go there. I haven’t been completely happy with all aspects of his new nursery school, but I’m not sure how much of that is a cultural difference in approach to education and children in general.

We agreed to come for a year to see if we enjoyed it. If we do enjoy it, we will commit to two further years out here. This would mean uprooting DS again to start school back in the UK. My friends who are teachers have told me that the curriculum ‘ramps up’ in year two, and that they have children in their classes who struggle having come from different schooling systems.

I am wondering if I am being unreasonable to keep an eye on DS closely in terms of his emotional regulation and behaviour at school, and consider moving back to the UK on the basis of feeling he would be better of starting school in reception and not having to transition across education systems again.

Sorry things are tough atm op

Speaking bluntly, I think you would be unreasonable to consider going back after six weeks without trying other alternatives…

…have you spoken to his teachers for example and really broken down the specific things he is finding difficult? Are they sympathetic and responsive to you and to him?

if not, could you consider a different pre-school?

Also, I think you are being a little overly negative when you say that in three years time he couldn’t adapt back to uk education, when he’s only in pre-school now! Children do this all the time when being educated in different languages!

I get the impression from your post that you were reluctant to leave uk? If that is correct, how are you doing op? I know you can only be as happy as your unhappiest child but apart from that, how are you doing? At his age, your ds may be taking his cue from you? Also, he has had a lot of disruption in his life recently, so six weeks is nothing in the grand scheme of things but obviously his unhappiness needs addressing.

For the moment, it may be more helpful for you to erase all thoughts of moving back to the uk from your head and really focus on settling in to life in the US and trying to integrate and join mother and toddler groups etc and find solutions to your child’s unhappiness within the context of life in the USA? And really try and give this year a go? Sorry if that sounds harsh but it can be easier to adapt that way. Good luck 💐

Six weeks is too soon to decide it's not working. You have to give things like this more time.

Thanks for your reply.

sorry if my posts are confusing - I’m not considering moving back after six weeks. It’s more over the coming months if DS still doesn’t settle - maybe six months or so.

I have spoken to his school, and they appear sympathetic but their communication is also poor compared to what I am used to at home. I think this is forming part of my own negative feelings - the comparison to what we are used to. I understand that’s natural at this stage but doesn’t make it any easier.

I have viewed other preschools and seeing some more tomorrow. DH and I think perhaps he needs to go for less days and the school he is currently at takes full time children only.

I was reluctant to leave and very much against the move. I have tried my best to shield this from my son but perhaps I haven’t been doing a great job. I also have a five month old so have been joining some mother and baby groups.

I was reluctant to leave and very much against the move.

I wouldn't have moved country feeling like this. Culture shock is brutal even if you are fully committed. Since you have, you need to give it months, not weeks. The first YEAR after moving is the worst (sorry) and after year two you are fully able to see if you like it. But you have to throw yourself in.

America, god awful as the politics are, is a great place to throw yourself in. No other language (except maybe Spanish) to learn.

Commit hard though. Either way, it's a good idea.

I think you're letting your own feelings about the move cloud the situation here. Your son would have had to leave his nursery at some point anyway, they don't stay in nursery forever - he could have had this reaction back in the UK too when he moved to primary and then secondary, and moving countries would have had nothing to do with it so how would you have handled it then? It's definitely worth looking at other pre-schools if you're not happy with that one though as I think that's more likely to be a problem with that institution rather than at a national level. Most children are very adaptable and transition well between new countries and schooling environments. Less so if they're picking up on unhappiness about it from a parent though. I would say you're projecting your own unhappiness onto your son.