I cheated on my abusive husband *[Content warning: thread mentions rape and domestic abuse]

[Icedcone]

i Know what I did was unforgivable. I have sexted a few people, including sending intimate pics etc. I haven’t physically cheated on him. I’m using an anonymous chat room to cheat and hid the app. I don’t care that I cheated considering my husbands behaviour and the fact that he cheated on me himself in the past. My husbands behaviour is so bad that I’m walking on eggshells every day.

I’m not allowed to show my face on social media or he said he would leave me, he questions how much money I spent on such and such things, he has tried throwing stuff at me before I need to go to work ( so I would have to call in sick and lose money). He checks my phone at least once a week and goes through my photos on my phone. He tries to control the kids aswell by saying I can’t take them out to soft play or another activity or just to take one child and not the other (absolutely pathetic I know).

other abusive behaviours: he has turned people against me, I have no friends and little family, he went on a smear campaign in lockdown and said I abused him and cheated on him to everyone when he was cheating on me and assaulting me every day, plus recording me mocking me with his female best friend. I actually managed to leave him for over a year in Covid and he used every trick in the book to harass me through family court and by stalking me online and in the streets ( no police didn’t care). I was so scared and he blackmailed me into getting back with him. I found out he was using black magic on me too ( I don’t know if I believe in that or if it’s real).

he also has sexually assaulted me and raped me since I was 17 until now ( I’m 28) and the police said it wasn’t rape because we are married. This was in 2021.

last time I left social services were on my side but the family court reckoned I abused him when it was all him. He’s very clever and admitted to me that he watch hundreds of YouTube videos on how to lie and win in family court. I had legal aid and my first solicitor was very bad and made things 1000 x worse than it already was. He also knows people that would stalk me and report back to him if i have left.

im hesitant to go to the police, or any other authority because im scared they will side with him or I won’t be able to leave safely with the kids. I need help.

You need to leave this man. Lots of divorce solicitors will offer a free consultation, which you should take up and get advice on. Hopefully you’ll find one you feel you can trust this time. Ask at least three so you can see what advice is the same and what is different.

You should also call a domestic violence charity for advice, such as Refuge or Women’s Aid. Additionally, if you have a nice GP, book an appointment with her and ask if she can help or signpost you to people who can.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. There are lots of places you can get free confidential advice. Definitely speak to as many people as you can.

Thank to for replying. I know I need to leave him. My place is my own ( council) but he has keys to the flat unfortunately. Im worried about staying here. My family live about 45 minutes away ( by car) so I have no one in my town. I’m so scared.

about needing a divorce solicitor: We are not legally married, we are married under sharia law in the uk. So no divorce solicitor is needed. I will need to get legal advice about domestic abuse especially if he chooses to drag me through family court again.

I am currently on the phone to women’s aid and there’s a long wait understandably. I’m going to also make an appointment with a gp so it’s all logged and I’ve got evidence that I’m being abused. Apparently I told the gp I was being abused in 2018, I can’t remember this this due to depression and stress. This info was not available to me when I needed it in 2021, so there is evidence that the abuse has been going on for years.

thank you again for your kind words. Not everyone has been kind to me.

You are not married and the Flat is in your name only so you can get the locks changed. If its urgent just do it and if The Council complains about it its better to apologise and explain that ask permission and not get it.
You sound very worn down and I appreciate that there might be some cultural elements at play here but with the right support you can absolutley do this
There may be organisations in your area who help women from Muslim backgrounds with this but be wary of any attached to a Mosque.
A lot of what your partner did last time sounds like psychological warfare which I appreciate is awful but focus on what he he can actually DO to you in very practical terms and I suspect its not much.
Its mostly your fear that is keeping you in the situation and if you can find a way to deal with that you can move on and make a life without him.
Legally you have rights and protections

im waiting until I get paid from work to change the locks. He also has keys to the other door that joins the block of flats so I know I won’t be allowed to change the locks to that door as it will lock my other neighbour out.

Trust me, I’m very exhausted. I have a few
mh conditions due to the abuse. I have depression, anxiety and GAD but I am medicated for it.

I’m still on the phone to women’s aid. There are organisations out there i know that can help.

we are from two completely different backgrounds. I’m from a white British background and he’s from a south Asian background. I’m a convert and he was born into the religion so our views are vastly different. Despite this, i respected him and his culture etc. I know there’s some Muslim organisations that can help in cities and areas within London but I only live in a small town in the south west. There’s a small masjid here but I don’t believe they cater to Muslim women wanting advice on domestic abuse.

some of is fear. But some of it is not. The last time I left, I had to flee 60 miles to my mums but she won’t do that for me again. I got told there was no emergency accommodation on the night I fled in 2020. I also learned My phone was hacked by my husband and he went back to my old place and took my passport and birth certificates for me and my eldest plus her red book and my college diploma certificates with him.

he reported me 20 times to police and social services telling them I was a cheater, abused him and that I took drugs and was a alcoholic.

https://www.ncdv.org.uk/ can organise an emergency restraining order (non molestation order) - they're great, Ensure the order has powers of arrest attached which means the police can arrest him if he breaks it

Refuge are another brilliant women's abuse charity but they don't get mentioned much here: https://refuge.org.uk/

You don't him anything

Also you might still be able to change the lock on the external door - just make sure you get enough keys for it & that your neighbour is notified

When I changed locks recently it came with 5 keys

I am sorry that the police have let you down so badly, Op. Stay strong, I wish you all the best.

Forget about the chat rooms guilt, you are desperate for an escape, this isn't your escape.
Change the locks, inform the police, can the council hold your place for a few months if you go into hiding through womens aid. I'd be worried about staying in the flat even with the locks changed.
Is a transfer an option?
Don't trust anyone but womens aid yet.
I'm very sorry that you have been abused badly, I'm rooting for your escape..

Your DM will help you again, the alternative is visiting your gravestone.

Southall Black Sisters is in my bad books at the moment but they will understand your domestic situation from a religion etc point of view. Honestly he sounds really fucking dangerous, you need to be careful. Can you take the kids to your parents house? I can’t believe the police said it wasn’t rape. I’m so sorry.

Forget about the sexting stuff, just forget about that completely, it’s not important.

My honest advice is 100% do not go anywhere near the masjid, just don’t do it. But do let the police know your situation.

Wishing you luck.

There's 2 things going on here, one much more important than the other. Firstly, you need to leave him, he sounds abusive and the situation will not get better. Please get help from a charity such as Women's aid and start making plans to leave as safely as you can. Secondly, the 'cheating' is probably a case of you trying to distract yourself from the unhappy situation at home and a way of fulfilling your unmet needs. The guilt isn't helpful to you right now and so it'd be a good idea to stop sexting other people until you've got away and sorted yourself out. Stop giving yourself a hard time and make yourself and your children a priority.

It's extremely hard when you leave, and I know you've already tried once, so you already know what you are facing. It takes so much energy, resolve and mental torture to get away doesn't it? People on here really helpfully write down the steps, which they presume can be followed in a linear fashion but we know that the steps take ages to get through, right when emotionally it feels impossible to deal with.

Nobody prepares you for the amount of work it takes to leave either - sorting out a place to live, sorting out the money, sorting out the DC, sorting out work. I was removed from my marital home in 2014 and was deemed high risk at MARAC - had police, social care, school, IDAS involvement. And whilst professionals can come and help you for their allotted hour a week nobody can really help you to pick up the pieces. The only person to do that is you, for you and for the small children you are tasked with protecting - financially, emotionally, practically and physically - and if you don't have the internal and external resources to do it, it is agony, I know. But the alternative is either a violent awful death or death by a thousand cuts to your safety and wellbeing. I look back and liken leaving to walking through treacle. 11 years on and my life looks nothing like it did but you HAVE to give yourself time, care, space and forgiveness to get through this OP. These men do not give a fuck about others, about authority, about the law, about humanity. They are the most difficult entity to deal with - professionals find them hard to deal with. Abusers by their very nature are a nightmare. The strength and resource needed can't be underestimated, you have done it once. You can do it again, it will be hard but it will be worth it to be free.

i may contact refuge if I need it. I tried getting a non mol last time but my husbands solicitor made the judge order an undertaking. My then solicitor was rubbish and was made by the other party to change it to an undertaking. This meant I was harassed more.

I feel like I need to leave not change the locks as my husband is scary and will probably break every order a court would give me to me.

Im hoping this time, that the police will be helpful if and when I have the courage to call them. When I lived in the south east, Thames valley police actually helped me leave. Although only had an hour to get out with my eldest child. It was much better in comparison to the local police in the south west.

I know it’s just something to take my mind off of. An escape as you put it. Im not going to message the OM anymore as i feel it’s too risky and i should be concentrating on getting out with my kids. I’ve called women’s aid and I was on the line for over 3 hours. The woman was discussing my options such as getting a non molestation order and staying put, getting emergency accommodation by the council or going into refuge. I don’t get time to discuss what I wanted as my husband came home early from work so I had to quickly disconnect the call. I told them what I have said about him on here.

that's why I don’t want to stay. I dont want to leave my kids without a mum and my mum will be heartbroken. I need to be strong.

I’ve never heard of Southwell black sisters but it doesn’t really sound supportive from what you said.

the problem is, is that my husband knows where my mums lives. So I can’t see that going down well if I take the kids to my mums. Although, she has said she would have them for a bit in the past but they won’t be safe there at all with my husband knowing they sre there.

I agree that the sexting is a non issue in all of this.

im not planning on going to the masjid about my husband as i have heard about the horror stories online.

I’m trying to make a plan to leave him. I was on the phone to women’s aid for hours and as soon as I got through and was talking through what decision I need to make, my husband then came home early. I had to disconnect the call. I’m going to try calling them again he goes out next .

I also agree that I need to stop sexting and I have now as it’s not helping. I feel lonely and that’s why I started doing it.

It is very hard to leave. I did manage a year and half on my own but he sucked me back in. He messaged nasty stuff to my ex friends and they dropped me in the end, they probably didn’t want all the negativity that comes with abusive relationships.

Authorities are hard to deal with especially family court and CAFCASS. I was not prepared of how hard it will be to prove myself in court. I had an idva worker aswell but she went very great in my opinion. If I had more support I think things would be different idk.

I'm glad you managed to get out. The hard part is leaving and then not ever going back. I feel like I can only trust myself after the last time, you are right about authories not being able to do everything and it’s up to me to change that and be strong for my kids.

i do feel that authories find it very hard to deal with abusers especially narcissists. But you’re right, I will be able to get out.

Update. I’m still trying to get through to women’s aid. I’ve rang so many times now. I’m losing hope

I wouldn't discount SBS, I believe the issues with them are related to their stance on the Israel/Gaza conflict, but they are a fantastic organisation who should have a more nuanced understanding of your situation than a lot of groups especially relating to cultural and Sharia aspects.