To make a fuss of her even if she doesn't want to?

[LoudRedSnail]

Quick question. Possibly autistic (runs in the family) and I often question myself.

My friend says she does not want to celebrate her birthday. Does not like her birthday.

I want to show her I care about her. Do I send her a gift/turn up to our next hang out with a bottle of wine/send a card?

How do you show you care in this situation- by doing what they ask or ignoring what they ask? So confusing.

I’d do what they ask but maybe caveat with offering to do a non-birthday treat at a date and time she’s happy with. So offer a meal or theatre trip or whatever she may like.

I think that’s reasonable, but respecting her wishes is key here, OP. She’s telling you what she wants. Why would you disregard that? Are you assuming she’s secretly hoping you’ll throw her a surprise party or something because ‘I don’t want to celebrate my birthday) is code for the opposite?

It depends if your friend is the type of person to mean what she says.

Assuming she does, then definitely not a 'fuss' and just text her on the day. Bottle of wine when you next see her is nice.

You listen to what she said, and don't celebrate her birthday.

As someone who doesn't want any fuss at all for birthdays: a happy birthday whatsapp message and a non-birthday cake+coffee meetup would be great.

You can always ask for clarification: "does this mean you would rather I didn't wish you a happy birthday in any way, or would a text be okay?"

Maybe send her a card that isn’t a birthday card, just a nice/funny (depending on what she is like) picture, and don’t say happy birthday in it, nothing at all abour the birthday, but write in it what a great friend she is (assuming she is!) and say you really appreciate her.

It’s good to appreciate our friends occasionally.

Thanks- all really helpful. Sometimes I feel people do say the opposite of what they want. When I was about 10 I went on a summer camp and the norm was that the kids went into town and got their parents little gifts. I had done that the previous year but my mum said to me before I left 'oh don't bother buying anything for us this year'. So I didn't. Then she was upset and I felt really annoyed. Why even say that when you don't mean it? What is the point?

Well, that was your mother, of a generation where women were more likely to be socialised to think asking for what you want is not nice. My mother is the same. I can still hear her shock if someone offers me a cup of tea and I say yes, I’d love one without politely demurring multiple times.

We are strangers on the internet, but you presumably know your friend. Unless she’s given to ‘Don’t mind me, I’ll sit here in the dark’ type utterances, take her at her word. Suggest an unbirthday trip to the theatre in the run up to Chrustmas.

I think not wanting a fuss is different to not wanting it marked at all. I don't want loads of public attention for my birthday, but I'd be disappointed not to receive a Happy Birthday message at all.

I guess, logically, we wouldn't still be friends if she was the kind of person to say things in a roundabout way! I would have upset her/misunderstood her too many times for the friendship to last. I think I'll do a non-birthday treat separately and just a text on the day. Thanks for the responses.

My friend says she does not want to celebrate her birthday. Does not like her birthday.

Is there a known reason she doesn’t like her birthday? Maybe she has one. I wouldn’t do anything for her birthday she has said she doesn’t want to celebrate and doesn’t like her birthday so I’d respect that. She hasn’t said she didn’t want a fuss or a big song and dance, if she said that then I’d still send a happy birthday because she hasn’t said she didn’t want it acknowledged but to not want to celebrate I’d assume she wants nothing

I hate my birthday and fuss but I'd be happy to share a bottle of wine with a friend anytime . No parties and not even a night out .