Child’s father something else

[Lucy2586]

So our daughter is awaiting assessment for ASD she is 11 there were always a signs but not obvious until she started puberty. She has always stimmed been extremely shy around stranger etc but since starting high school I had to get help with student support she was so overwhelmed. We’ve managed to get her settle with a lot work (no help from her father) theu have said it is very obvious she has sensory issues etc so without a diagnosis theu will treat her as though so has one.

However, i am at logger heads with her dad and his family. They are not grasping it all even though I have given them the papers from CYPS etc to help them.

Her dad was annoyed bevause it was his sisters birthday meal and her great grandfather came to speak to her. My DD doesn’t not know him she has seen him about 10 times in her life so avoided eye contact and put her head down. This is what she does with doctors etc it’s not intentional.

Also his sister asked to take her out my DD was excited, after I had explained she is getting overstimulated she took her to a busy arcade then shouted at her for melting down( most stimulating place on earth.

The family have always been awful to me but appeared to be great with her until recently. she doesn’t seem them very much but each time she does i am getting more and protective and want to scream are you fucking stupid! My DD still wants to see them but I think they can theu are being shit to her why should do?

sorry for long post it’s been getting to me for a while. Her dad has strong narcissistic tendencies thinks the world revolves around him.

Excuse errors been awake most of the night wound up.

Unfortunately your situation is really common, even in families where parents are together. Sometimes one parent just doesn't wont accept the diagnosis for different reasons and it's really hard. Many parents of ASD children also have relatives who think they know everything and judge and deny too. All you can do is choose your own way of dealing with your child and her needs. Luckily she is getting to the age where she can start choosing who she has in her life and that may make Dad come round.

I did not think it would be so common. It is just so frustrating having to explain over and over again. I am so proud of her as her first report was outstanding. She is very bright but has a few struggles. She doesn’t make eye contact with strangers and her great grandad is a stranger to her.

She doesn’t sleep over at her dads anymore which is her choice but I am glad. I know when she needs downtime and leave her alone. He’d drag her places like soft play (age 11) with her younger sister. Just fed up of his nonsense we’ve been apart 10 years and his a pain in the arse.

Work with her on ways of coping with it - is my advice.

Of course she can (and should) choose to avoid some situations that are difficult, but if possible you can also develop some methods for getting through compulsory or mandatory occasions that are not going to be naturally comfortable. These will likely include some family occasions.

So for example with her great grandfather - from an understanding perspective that knows she will find it hard, how can you help her to find a way that she can navigate that type of situation in the future? Can you think of a strategy or plan that you can talk through with her for these stranger-type situations, that doesn't force her to do things she will hate, but does keep her safe from other people's bad reactions.

The other choice of avoiding all situations like that, or expecting everyone to accept you 100% the way you are, are lovely, but are dreams - in practice, methods for coping are going to help her the most.

I am working on methods and she is in counselling in school to help with this. She is not isolated she went out straight from school with 5 friends she just made.

my issue is why isnt her father putting in the effort to understand and help her navigate it instead of shaming her to me.

He only spends about 4 hours a week with her now anyways. My concern with his family are that they appear very close knit but in reality are quite toxic as I mentioned before they were awful to me and do not want that to extend to her due to thier ignorance.

because he is a rubbish self-centered dad?

I think you know the answer to that already. Maybe he will change, but the likelihood is that even if he does, it will come from somewhere else, and not from his Ex's willingness.

All you can do is control how you help/support your daughter, which it sounds like you are doing really well. Trying to understand why some people are uncaring parents isn't going to end up anywhere.

I would also imagine that as your daughter gets older she will keep distancing herself from them, if they are like this, so it won't be a problem you'll have to deal with for too long or too much)

Thank you, yes he is a very self centred person. She is naturally distancing herself. She said the other day when she was in the city centre with her dad and little sister (not my child) her dad laughed at a woman falling over and little sister copier. She said he is totally inappropriate and my sister is copying him. She has a very strong belief in right and wrong and she is starting to see who he is. I have avoided saying anything really about him even though he has done everything to annoy me over the years.

He said since it’s my fault she is rude he was stopping child support so I went to CMS this enrages him because he thinks he is above being held accountable, So yeah that’s who is.

He won’t change i do not think people like him can change. His sister is just like him. She did not invite a close family member to her wedding bevause she is really tall and odd looking ( her words) and would ruin the photographs. Do not think theu will be a great miss to my child.