Can’t rely on DH

[Pumpcushion]

Big things, any problems with the kids and ‘proper’ emergencies he is truly amazing. I’d want no one else by my side. Taking care of day to day life, I am tearing my hair out.

For example, if I need to take the kids somewhere and ask him to walk the dog in the morning (which I usually do) I’ll get back and he’s not taken him, dog will be inevitably be desperate for the toilet. His defence- he got a phone call or insert other ‘thing’ and was going to do it. I end up doing it. Or he says he’s done it but you can tell it’s been more like a quick toilet break than an actual walk.

If it’s his turn to tidy the kitchen after cooking in the evening, I’ll come down the next morning and various things will not have made it into the dishwasher, areas will have sauce dried on the worktop.

If I pull him up on any of these things he goes on the defensive, says I’m being horrible to him and just won’t engage.

He has ADHD and is dyslexic. I’m not sure if these are anything to do with it. But I’m feeling increasingly frustrated and depressed about this and don’t know what to do. It’s slowly eroding my trust and therefore our relationship. AIBU? Is there any hope of solving this before I do him in?

His adhd and dyslexia does explain it all , maybe you can find a way to have a fair division of labour by working together to find the things he’s better at rather than things he consistently doesn’t see or forgets?

its literally ’attention DEFICIT disorder’ a neurological condition that can include issues with attention to detail, distraction, poor time management, time blindness, object permanence .

there are tools and techniques to try to improve things but they don’t work for everyone and they might take forever to learn.

work together to make everything as simple as possible, massive declutter, organisation / reorganisation, timers, reminders, Alexa, shared google calendar etc etc

What's the general task division, are you both working equal time whether home/outside the home?

@Mangetoutmangetouti ok what am I meant to do then? Do everything myself? Leave dogs with no food and water on my office days? I said if I raise it he just gets defensive and I get nowhere, this includes suggestions like setting reminders.

@NellieElephantine it’s complicated and hard to do a like for like comparison, we both have full-on jobs. His is more unpredictable, mine less so but I’m away from home in the office more. I do the vast majority of domestic tasks.

People who have ADHD can and do work in various jobs, including hospitality, retail, catering assistants etc. It's another well known condition called 'why should I be arsed, dickhead will do it'. Granted it can take effort to train yourself to recheck what you've done and force yourself to finish it completely. He is being horrible to you and his children by not cleaning etc properly. The dog situation depends on who wanted a dog. How you change things I don't know. I suppose keep talking it out and ask him if you are a team, or not.