In thinking I'm finding this parenting so hard

[xxxJess123xxx]

Hi all, I really don't know where to turn for help and advice and I think writing it all down on here may help, I don't know.

I have 2 kids DD9 and DS6. Married. Settled childhood etc

My son, ever since he started school (now in Year 2) has become increasingly more difficult to manage and I am struggling to cope.
He comes out of school like a coiled spring. He will be bouncing off the walls, front flips on the sofa and kicking a football all round the flat (no garden). He will scream, make repetitive random noises, push, shove, kick, punch and be generally horrible to me and my husband.
I try my best to get him to play outside on the green outside the flat with his sister and neighbours but even after hours of running and football, he is still a nightmare, especially before bed.

I have done a ADHD assessment through the school but it was rejected as he is "perfect" at school. He is working above expectations and a model pupil but at home, I genuinely am so unhappy as he is so hard to handle.

For example, when I ask him to get into bed (already done a countdown from 5 mins, 2 mins, 1 min etc) he will scream blue murder. He will lay flat on the floor so I can't pick him up into his high sleeper bed. He was scratch my arms and punch me.

Half terms and weekends he is like a different child. He is still very energetic but he is happier and easier to work with!! He tells me he hates school but won't give a reason why. He has friends, finds the work ok and the teacher tells me he is perfect in school.

I have done an online behaviour course through the school via zoom but it didn't help.

Please. Anyone. I can't cope with years and years more of this.

Sorry if its a ramble

It sounds very much like masking/behaving himself at school is taking such an effort that he's struggling after school.

I think running around straight after school is a great idea, but I would make sure there is time for adequate quiet time between that and bedtime.

I'd try starting bedtime earlier and make the goal him being in his bedroom doing something calm and quiet rather than him being in bed. In the example you give I would just say goodnight and close the door and leave him lying flat on the floor. If that's where he wants to sleep, that's fine.

He goes to bed between 8.30 and 9 and is up at 7am. I have thought it could be masking but how do I manage it long term? I’m exhausted

I appreciate he’s elongating bedtimes, but 9pm-7am doesn’t sound like enough sleep?

After school can you hit the park? Or perhaps even a sporty club/activity. Have a snack ready as soon as you collect him, flap Jack, banana or something. Then home. Indoor small trampette or a large yoga ball. He make like to bounce/roll on it.

let him have some time then early dinner and start to wind down. Make things predictable and calm.

I have two DSes and a lot of what you say resonates. It can be very hard for them to unpick why school is so hard. If you have money to throw at the problem there are lots of things you could do to help uncover why he is struggling.

One thing that might give you a clue is you running through the average school day in detail and getting him to do thumbs up, thumbs down. So is it going into school, lessons, playtime, lunch transitions, a specific topic,dynamic or teacher etc that could be the trigger.

Both of mine are ND, one also "perfect" at school; they are now 10 and 13 and it's certainly easier than it was!

Pick one issue to tackle first, and forget the rest until it's resolved. It seems there are a few: hitting / scratching, bedtimes, and then excess energy. Which one is most important to tackle?

Yes he has a snack as soon as he gets indoors.
we start trying to get ready for bed about 8pm it just takes forever.
forgot to mention, he has no gaming screen time or YouTube etc on school nights as it makes him so much worse

What's his diet like?

I know it's a bit woo, but there's more evidence emerging that good gut health / reducing inflammation can reduce symptoms and help with regulation.

The fact he is much better during holidays however suggests school is the real problem.

His diet is horrendous. Is on constipation medication long term.
is verrryyyy fussy and would genuinely starve if he didn’t have his “safe” foods. Think no veg, very little fruit

I’m sorry to hear this. It’s so frustrating that assessments to understand if a child may be ND are blocked because of these behaviours not being seen in school. It does sound like he may be masking loads to cope with school , and this stress is all flying out of him when home.

or.. sometimes it’s because school is a much more boundaried and predictable place and some ND kids thrive in this, as they understand the expectations fully and just crack on.

could you try some ‘now and next’ visuals, or social stories/ storyboard visuals to support this kind of predictable structure at home? Might be worth a shot .

my advice is keep speaking to school about it. It’s a tough road getting support for kids. You are clearly doing a great job at trying to find what works best and seeking support for your kiddo.

can you get some time to yourself? The exhaustion of daily battles is so draining, I really feel for you xx

Have you done a clear out for the constipation? Is he better in the holidays or at the weekend?
My ds is very like this and it's so draining and exhausting. I think if you can clear out out poo-wise a bit that might help a bit, for a start. I give mine a lot of food straight from pick up and they eat walking home, hunger is a massive trigger for his behaviour too.

When you take him out after school, think about getting him to climb and hang, look up proprioception.

If it helps, mine is a year older and it is getting better. The darker afternoons/evenings seem to be causing some weird relapse but we're doing our best. Good luck!

i would put money on your DC being ND.

There is a strong association between childhood constipation and ADHD too - i would go to your GP and insist on referral to paediatrician.

I can look into some more structure at home. We have rules of course but not set things at set times as I gathered as he hates school so much, I wanted it less regulated and rules at home

the constipation is well managed with long term medication thankfully. If it gets bad, we up the dose and then it rectifies so I reduce again

I suffer with PMDD and take Citralopram for that. I’m finding life so hard with him at the moment. My marriage is suffering and his sister doesn’t get a look in

I’d go out on a limb and say his poor diet is going to be a key factor in all of this. Figuring out how to get him eating better will have a huge impact. Good luck

His diet is terrible, we have tried lots of things recommended by the dietitian but he would starve himself if he couldn’t have safe foods. If I let him, he would eat cereal every meal every day for months

Sorry to hear you are struggling, it can be very difficult to cope with situations like this. Asking for advice is the first step to finding help, and shows that you are a caring mum.

My child was very similar (except for the constipation, and ate a wider range of foods). Apparently no problem at school but very dysregulated once he got home. I had to fight school and the LA to get him assessed, and ended up having to get a private Autism and Sensory OT diagnosis because waiting lists here were years long (and Sensory OT available at our lical NHS Trust). Turns out that he masks stongly outside of the home, and has ASD, ADHD and Sensory Processing Disorder. As demands at school increased (from Y1 on) it became harder for him to handle, and he bottled it up until he could explode where he felt safe - at home with us. All of this was complicated by the pandemic, and in the end (after taking him out of his original primary and doing home ed/part-time forest school for a year) we got him into a primary that gave us the benefit of the doubt. It took them a long time to see some of the issues, but at least they did not accuse us of lying about his difficulties, so we could work with them. We also had to take the LA to Tribunal to get him a Statement and appropriate provision put in place at the mainstream primary. It is hard but it is possible. Much depends on the pathway to diagnostic assessment where you live. It is much much easier if you have the financial means to get this started privately, and/or to be able to afford specialist legal advice if the LA are very difficult (which is what we were forced to do).
Better understanding our child's sensory needs has made the biggest difference to our lives, so if I had limited funds, I would find a specialist Sensory OT (who can write reports that a Tribunal will accept) to do a full assessment.
In an ideal world I would hope that your local NHS Trust Peadiatric Neurodevelopmental Service would be able to see him to assess for ASD and ADHD (or other issues) and that your NHS Trust also has a Sensory OT. This is a pipedream where I live, but NHS Community Peadiatrics eventally agreed to assess for ADHD after I repeatedly pushed for it. My experience of the LA Educational Psychologists and SLT was poor to shocking. I don't know whether it was lack of experience/incompetence/refusal to see issues that would cost the LA money, but we would have got nowhere with getting help for our child had we depended on them. I think that this was exacerbated by his presentation, since they were not skilled at identifying issues in a young boy who masks so well so consistently.

If you can get the right support for your son and your family in place the situation can get a lot better. It might always be a bit more challenging than it is for families without children with additional needs, but it can become much more maneagable and home life can become calmer and happier.

It might be worth you posting on the SEN section of MN - there are some very knowledgeable and helpful posters on there. Good luck and keep faith in yourself and your ability to deal with this.

@xxxJess123xxx would you consider approaching the Local authority or school to request a ‘team around the family’ within early help? they may do a child and family assessment to capture the reality of his struggles…I’m wondering if professionals need to see your son at home/observe some of the behaviour that school are not seeing, to progress the support offered?

Im so sorry you are experiencing this. It’s so difficult to access support and get the ball rolling and can feel so blaming of parents and home life, when school saying ‘Oh he’s fine here!’ . But , as lots of PP have said he has clear indication / traits of ND, with diet and constipation along with his masking at school and disregulation after masking all day. Poor lamb.

Keep communicating with school. Maybe make a diary of triggers/day to day observations, it’s good to have this evidence when pushing for assessment/support.

Sending you love, it’s really hard and the system isn’t good. You are doing great for your son and he is lucky to have you in his corner xxxx

I’m so sorry you had such a fight to get your child the support they need. This made me sad to read. The system is not good, and it’s draining for parents who are already knackered from the intense support their kids need from them. Your child is really fortunate to have you in their corner fighting to get them the support they need xx

I couldn't have put this better myself. This is what we do with my son, who's 7, and 9 times out of 10, it's exactly what he needs and really helps