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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I am really really not being unreasonable

24 replies

Spiritofeden1989 · 22/10/2025 19:22

My ‘DM’ is married to a man who is very selfish (my stepfather) - he has 2 kids and 4 grandkids. I have 2 dcs.

For the last 15 years and pretty much my entire kids lives, they have gone to his kids house for Xmas. I have asked and invited and have actually found it really upsetting that she never ever prioritises her own grandkids. There have been arguments about it- I don’t understand how she can repeatedly put someone else’s children and grandchildren before her own. They don’t even live nearby - none of us live near them. I think he’s bullying her too.

It’s now being framed as ‘oh it’s only Xmas, stop making a fuss’ ‘oh you are being so difficult’ whenever I raise it. I am expected to just accept it and be quiet and I can’t anymore - I think it’s fucking outrageous that she has put someone else’s family before her own for 15 years when we have invited them here. It makes me feel like my kids are second class citizens to their own grandmother and I could never do it myself.
i feel like she is now gaslighting me- making me feel like I am imagining it, that I am making a fuss, that’s it’s all my problem.

My fucking problem is that she has put someone else’s kids and grandkids before her own for virtually their whole life.

aibu? I am close to going no contact- I feel like my kids deserve better than this shit.

Sorry this is long and a bit ranty. Am very upset and raging about it.

OP posts:
Butterflywings84 · 22/10/2025 19:24

I can see why you are annoyed. How does she treat them the rest of the time though? If it is just Christmas then it is probably not something worth falling out about. If this is a pattern (and it sounds there may be a lot more to it) then obviously this issue will seem so much worse

Original poster
Spiritofeden1989 · 22/10/2025 19:26

Butterflywings84 · 22/10/2025 19:24

I can see why you are annoyed. How does she treat them the rest of the time though? If it is just Christmas then it is probably not something worth falling out about. If this is a pattern (and it sounds there may be a lot more to it) then obviously this issue will seem so much worse

It’s not just Xmas. They are the golden children/ grandchildren and we are the black sheep. She constantly compares my kids to them and makes it clear they fall short. It’s horrible

OP posts:
BreakfastClubBlues · 22/10/2025 19:29

Considering your update, not having Christmas with them sounds like a lucky escape!

Original poster
Spiritofeden1989 · 22/10/2025 19:32

BreakfastClubBlues · 22/10/2025 19:29

Considering your update, not having Christmas with them sounds like a lucky escape!

Yes you are probably right. I think it’s the outrage I feel on behalf of my kids to be honest at being treated so badly by their grandmother. But maybe I need to get over it and be glad that we don’t have to be around people like that

OP posts:
MidnightPatrol · 22/10/2025 19:33

Not having them for Christmas sounds really good…? I think you’ve done quite well here.

They’d probably bring a load of stress.

Irenesortof · 22/10/2025 19:34

It’s very upsetting and might feel better to start a new tradition for Christmas Day in your own home whether or not your mum is there.

Praying4Peace · 22/10/2025 19:34

I totally understand why you feel upset OP

takealettermsjones · 22/10/2025 19:36

I completely understand your feelings. If it were me, I wouldn't go no contact (yet!) but I'd match her energy. Stop inviting her, and put the rest of your family - your DH and kids, your in laws, your father - above her. I'm not saying it won't hurt, but it's the only way to avoid the cycle of hope/disappointment.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 22/10/2025 20:01

I would simply stop making any effort. If she complains, say, “Oh it’s only your birthday. Stop making a fuss.” Etc.

BoldBlueZebra · 22/10/2025 20:12

I would just go low/ no contact but I would point out that one day the shoe will be on the other foot and am she will want you and her step kids have their own mum……

TheatricalLife · 22/10/2025 20:16

Just save yourself the grief and stop asking --not just to Christmas, but to everything. Dial it right back and massively lower your expectations as you'll just keep hurting yourself. Personally, I wouldn't bother to stay in touch anymore, but that's up to you.

QBTheRoundestOfBees · 22/10/2025 20:21

I understand why you are upset, but I think the following

This is not a reflection of the worth of you or your DC. I think it is important that you are really, really clear about this in your own mind. Of course you deserve to be prioritised by your mother but it is not your fault that she is not doing it. I also think you cannot make her do it. I know how hurtful and difficult it is, but it’s wasted emotion. People do what they need to cope or feel okay in themselves and this is what she is doing.

Prioritise what you need to do to feel okay and to protect your DC from being compared unfavourably to other DC. I personally would go low contact rather than no contact, because I think it is important for DC to know who their grandparents are and there not to be this part of the family who are cut off. They will be able to make up their own mind as they get older. But anyway, set a level of contact you can manage emotionally.

Think about what you want to do at Christmas and focus on that. I personally find Christmas very difficult for many reasons so I dial it down as far as I can. There’s no need to do that but equally, there is no reason you need to spend it where your mother is either. The earth will still turn, the main thing is to have a peaceful day.

dudsville · 22/10/2025 20:26

That's awful, I totally get why it's so hurtful. But what can you do? You can stop inviting them, that's a lost cause, a different certain of the "pick me dance" I've seen referenced on here. But you can't make your mum more thoughtful, loving, present and interested. It's just sad.

thebluehen · 22/10/2025 20:30

You are not being unreasonable. Have you spoken to your step dad? I wonder if he’s completely controlling your mum and that’s why she’s behaving like this.

No5ChalksRoad · 22/10/2025 20:32

Well, at least you can consider yourself off the hook for eldercare. Let his kids look after her when she becomes old, frail and (if) demented.

Endofyear · 22/10/2025 20:35

Spiritofeden1989 · 22/10/2025 19:26

It’s not just Xmas. They are the golden children/ grandchildren and we are the black sheep. She constantly compares my kids to them and makes it clear they fall short. It’s horrible

Show quote history

If this is true, I don't really understand why you have anything to do with them? If my mother treated my children like that I wouldn't see her at all!

Cherrysoup · 22/10/2025 20:36

Nobody yet suggested she’s in an abusive relationship and he doesn’t let her do Christmas at the OP’s??

JLou08 · 22/10/2025 20:38

Stop begging for the time of people who have shown you for 15 years that you and your DC are second best. You don't need them around and neither do your DC. It sounds like your DC are better off not having any more contact with them.

ResusciAnnie · 22/10/2025 20:40

We have a similar situation and it’s really hurtful. YADNBU. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. I’d highly recommend NC.

defrazzled · 22/10/2025 20:41

This is so sad for you. This happened to me, with my dad. I actually felt better when I accepted it was entirely her choice and he preferred being with her family where he was treated as KING STEP-DAD. It's not nice at all but now I wouldn't have him come if he asked.

Original poster
Spiritofeden1989 · 22/10/2025 20:45

Cherrysoup · 22/10/2025 20:36

Nobody yet suggested she’s in an abusive relationship and he doesn’t let her do Christmas at the OP’s??

My sister and I have discussed this a lot over the years. He is a bully and is definitely controlling. I think at 78 she has given up too. But I also think after 15 years + (she’s been married to him over 30 years) she has also had an opportunity to speak out & stand up too.

OP posts:
Owly11 · 22/10/2025 22:00

I am sorry to hear you are going through this it sounds horrible. How was your mum with you before she met this man and/or when you were growing up?

utamea · 22/10/2025 22:14

Difficult.

If hes a controlling bully, she might be a bit powerless about it. but the fact that she’s being mean to you over it, saying it’s only Christmas and the like, sort of implies it’s not just him. She could say: look Jeff insists we go to his kids and I don’t feel that I can argue as he gets angry - and that would be different.

if you think that she puts your kids last fairly deliberately, then you could go low contact. Just don’t invite her for Christmas and say you’re unable to visit over that period - any protest and you can reply it’s only Christmas why are you getting silly

YodasHairyButt · 22/10/2025 22:19

Leave her to it and enjoy your Xmas. Also stop inviting them.

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