Stolen moments & Santa reveal.

[Loulouboho]

I’m on holiday in France and my 8 year old nephew told my just turned 5 year old that Santa isn’t real. She told me right after that her nan planned to take her to see Santa on Christmas Eve. (As usual she didn’t ask me or my partner) I’m so sad. For 2 years, we missed out doing so many first with our daughter, my mum and dad have been mega pushy since and taken over many more. They never ask just turn up, book things take over every Christmas and birthdays, with their controlling ways. I am very upset with both mother and nephew. I have once taken my child to see Santa when she was 3 and I feel like this year - my year to take my believer to see Santa - was going to be really special. My partner has said that it’s a real shame but these things happen. Not to make mum or nephew feel bad and basically get over it. Thoughts?

I agree with your husband tbh.

It is a shame, but these things do happen.

I don't know what you mean saying you missed out on 2 years of doing things with your dd and you've also said your parents are pushing your boundaries. I would be more upset about those things than the santa thing?

Maybe you are just projecting your upset about the more serious things onto this santa reveal thing

Thank you. I appreciate your message and kind response

You don't have to say that he's right! Mine are adults now but we always stuck with "if you believe then Santa will come". If they don't believe then they know the gifts are from their parents but no harm done.

you can't go to see Santa on Xmas Eve, he's too busy working!! Book something for earlier in the month.

Take control, she's your daughter. You get to say when and where she goes. You get to do the firsts. Just say NO.

I would have told my 5 year old ‘don’t be silly, of course Santa is real! How else do all the presents come in to the house?’ and left it at that. I would have been upset too. As for the other stuff, you need to be firm and set some boundaries. Plan ahead and tell them this year I will be doing xxxx with my child, on xxxx day. If they want to fit in with your plans then fine.

At 5 I would absolutely be saying ‘well of course he is what a silly thing for them to say’. I teach year 1 and every single year a couple of kids (with older siblings 🙄) inevitably come in and say ‘Santa isn’t real’. We don’t make a big deal of it, just calmly reinforce that for those who believe in him, he is real, but you get to choose what you believe! All is not lost!

Well that’s fine if she’s taking him on Christmas Eve, surely you can just take her earlier in the month?

If you believe, Santa comes to you, if you don’t, your parents have to take over. Job done.
Just take you child to Santa yourself earlier in December and say there is no need on Christmas Eve for another visit (he’ll be very busy that day, as will all his helpers).

You’ve got two separate issues and your parents taking over is easily solved: stop letting them! Time to firm up your boundaries.

I'd use your nephew's intervention to your advantage.
Explain that the Santas in grottos and garden centres aren't real , theyre just a fun activity (or helping the real one if you want).
No one sees the real Santa.
The joy of Christmas Eve night is the anticipation of the magic of presents appearing the next morning. Not visiting an out of work actor with a beard!
I always thought grotto visits made no sense because FC's magic and lives at the North Pole!
Focus on special traditions at home like putting out carrots and mince pies, Christmas films and stories etc.
Take control from your over involved parents. And put boundaries in place. Above all enjoy the small, magical stuff .

Explain that the Santas in grottos and garden centres aren't real , theyre just a fun activity (or helping the real one if you want).
No one sees the real Santa.

We say similar to this, after we saw a particularly rubbish Santa once. We just tell the kids that these are santas helpers and they pass the message onto him. Just carry on talking to your DC as if Santa’s real and don’t make a big deal out of and they’ll forget it. The excitement of Christmas will take over.

As for your parents taking over, mine are very similar. Just don’t tell them as much so they can’t involve themselves. If they’re turning up to things you’ve booked them just don’t tell them and they can’t. And if they’re booking things and expecting you to take your DC, or they’re just expecting you to let them take your DC, then just say no, they can’t physically take your child from you! Start standing up for yourself.

I knew santa was my mum when i was 5.

You underestimate your child's ability to pretend and to love doing so. Her teddies aren't real, her dollies aren't real, her lego people aren't real, and yet I bet they have a ball (especially when she isn't home to keep them under control)! Does she get sad when she plays with these things because they aren't real? Do you get sad because you hear her talking to these creatures and they don't talk back? With Santa, we very much have this view point that it's really sad if the child doesn't think he is real, but that's an adult view where "real" and "pretend" are separate. Kids are totally ok with knowing something is pretend, but being able to immerse themselves in the reality of that character!

We let my DD know when she was about 7 when she asked directly.
And DS found out when he was about 5

The whole magic didn't stop; we talked about how Santa may not be real but the Magic of Santa is very real and how much fun it still is to pretend and enjoy it all from that sense.
That's helped them to understand about reality and still enjoy all the Christmas stuff around it, like the reindeer videos and the plate out for Santa etc

I'm all for letting kids down gently, but I can't believe some posters are actively encouraging the OP to lie to her DD. She's learned that Santa isn't real and most kids find out between the ages of 5 to 7. Usually from another child, which was exactly the case here. You'd have to say the nephew was basically lying too and how long can you keep this up for anyway?

Exactly, she doesn’t get to decide, you do, you’re the parent. Tell her no, you’ve heard she plans to do whatever and it isn’t happening.

My partner has said that it’s a real shame but these things happen. Not to make mum or nephew feel bad and basically get over it. Thoughts?

Well I don't see why your nephew shouldn't be made to feel a little bit bad. Eight is easily old enough to know what he is doing and blabbing to his much younger cousin is a bit mean.

I don't mean that he should be bawled our for it or punished, but someone calmly pointing out that he might have just spoiled the Christmas magic for a little girl for ever and how does he feel about that might be enough to make him feel guilty and possibly think twice in future.

What are you doing? Why would you not tell your five-year-old that your nephew has said that because he’s been such a naughty little boy that he’s worried about not getting any presents or something. Why would you not divert the issue immediately? Sorry but i do not get that.

And also you are being extremely unreasonable for not putting up some boundaries because your kids are going to be adults before you know it and you won’t have done any of these special things with them from the sounds of it.

It's normal for kids to heavily believe in the days around Christmas and believe a lot less when they aren't caught up in the excitement.

I'd ignore, there's every chance even the 7 Yr old will manage to believe when stockings are there.

For 2 years, we missed out doing so many first with our daughter, my mum and dad have been mega pushy since and taken over many more. They never ask just turn up, book things take over every Christmas and birthdays, with their controlling ways.

Stop letting them do this then.

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate your advice. It’s solid. I am still sad this morning but resolved to have another go at pushing back on my pushy parents and will make this Christmas special regardless.