DD6 friendships help.

[Treaclebear]

My DD6 has Autism, and we’re currently waiting for an EHCP needs assessment. We also suspect ADHD (referral has been accepted).

She’s in Year 2 and sits next to a girl she considers a friend. My daughter is working really hard , she’s very aware of her struggles and puts in so much effort.
The problem is this friend can be quite controlling, saying things like, “If you don’t share your snack, I’m not your friend,” or “If you don’t give me a sticker, I won’t play with you.”

My DD doesn’t really stand up for herself and struggles to make friends, so she tends to just go along with it. She often feels that no one in her class likes her. They do, but she’s not sitting with them on the table less chance of building friendships with them, and in the playground she’ll try to join in, but most of the time other children don’t want to play with her.

She has no behaviour issues she’s kind and well liked by teachers. The SENCO is aware she masks a lot and can be easily led on.

Yesterday, my DD mentioned that during her maths test, this friend was pointing out answers, and she copied her. Later, she realised she actually knew many of the answers herself and felt disappointed. She only scored 3, while her friend got 8. I told her she should trust herself more, I think she was distracted, it’s upsetting because she’s trying so hard, and I don’t want situations like this to knock her confidence or affect her independent thinking.

At the beginning of term we had a meeting to discuss EHCP with SENCO, we talked about social challenges, she asked who are her friends. I told her she has one friend who she plays with. I know they have their days, but SENCO, who even said this particular girl isn’t always nice to her, she's quite mean to her. My DD has also said she’d like to move tables and sit with other children, but I think she’s placed there because of ability grouping, which probably makes things easier for the teacher.

I’m just wondering if anyone else’s child has struggled with this kind of “friendship” dynamic at school?

Thank you for reading

Well I know what I'd do... I'd keep banging on until they moved her. "I don't care about the ability groups, she's being bullied" and repeat. Escalate as necessary.

Do they have any schemes for playtime like a buddy bench etc if someone has nobody to play with? Does your daughter know what to do if she finds herself on her own?

Your daughter needs to be moved. When the EP comes in to observe and speak with you, explain the important of the right seating environment in school for your child so that you can get it formalised.

I did ask the teacher , she got a few kids in the class to be her buddy, and some gave it a go, but nothing really came of it after that.

I told my Dd to speak to a teacher, if you have no one to play with. She says teacher doesn't do anything. I can imagine it's difficult for the teacher on playground duty.

Autism brings with it communication difficulties and barriers. You will need of advocate for your child, especially given her age.

Go and speak to the teacher. If the buddy system doesn’t work, the school needs to find something that does.

I really feel for you OP. It was exactly the same for my ND daughter and school didn’t do much to help. She often ended up sitting by herself at playtime which broke my heart.

I ended up taking her out and home educating (not just due to this), she has a couple of friends from groups we go to, but friendships are always going to be difficult for her think.

I don’t have any advice other than to echo what others have said, keep advocating for her. Solidarity.