The Grapes of Wrath and my psycho sister

[Ivegotanewname]

As per previous posts, I'm in the process of trying to detach from a sister who seems to have a personality disorder (non-diagnosed, my own conclusions) She had a big, random scream at me on a very rare night out. It's 0-60 in seconds screaming rage, nothing will placate, vile things said, level of rage totally disproportionate. Same pattern as has happened since our teens, over 30 years ago. Afterwards I'm upset, angry,frustrated, depressed and feel trapped by it and can think of nothing else for days on end. But I resolve, yet again, to do something different.

Cue mum having a fall and ending up in hospital a week later. Before I've had time to fully work out how to untangle, I'm back having to communicate with sister about mum. I keep it to mum, in message group with brother. But I realise I'm stressed and trying to appease sister in anticipation of future blame and screams, "I've done this, I'm going to do that etc etc" Just having to be in touch is stressing me out. I have a revelation, no matter how much I do this she will scream at me at some point anyway. So I pull back a lot in group, contact mum directly (not easy!) and keep group to absolute necessities, taking a lead from how brother seems to do things. Their relationship isn't like this, screaming is saved for me out of view of others.

As is standard she hasn't referenced the screaming episode so no apology and she starts to be all sickeningly chummy, which I find stomach churning. But I'm finding my approach is working, less contact but at a place where I feel I'm doing what I can for parents and not considering sisters potential future assaults regarding what I'm doing, or not.

I rang my mum this morning to see how she's doing. Initial hellos and how are you then: "Listen, do you give DS whole grapes?'' Pardon, what, excuse me? Where's this come from? She is pained, worried, terribly worried. Children under 10 shouldn't be given whole grape (we were, but hey, that's not worth bringing up here) A doctor said so. How would you feel if DS.... Hang on a minute. This sounds familiar. This has come from sister...has this come from sister? Well, no, well maybe, well, she just mentioned, I just had some grapes infront of me and maybe she said...

It has, I took niece out one day in sunmer holiday as favour to cover childcare gap. DS & DN had packed lunches made by own parents. I've put grapes in for DS, DN wants one but tells me she can't have them as they are whole and her mum won't let her. No problem, don't have it. Sister brings it up next time we speak telling me I shouldn't give DS whole grapes, a Dr said etc. I discuss calmly, aware that if I ever approached a parenting decision of hers with her (only once have I when it involved DN's behaviour affecting DS, she blew up in rage) she would blow up in rage.

I decline to discuss my parenting of DS with mum and ask about mum's progress instead. Call ends fairly quickly. Sister has deliberately worried mum who is recovering in hospital with few distractions, to think about my potential negligent grapes based behaviour and DS's imminent death. Sister's not getting direct attention, I feel I have a bit of control over my involvement in a tricky situation. Then this. Obviously if I get angry out loud to this, I look mad. If I ask her why she's done that it starts the argument she wants, because if we were going down that route there's loads I could say about her parenting. But I don't and won't because those choices are hers, and this is a tactic to draw me back in.

I'm so fed up of this. So fed up that it will never ever end.

Sorry just a rant, I've spent more than 3 decades wondering if IBU becaue of her headtwisting and I just want it to end.

Your Mum surely understands you have a difficult relationship with your sister. If she is not considering that (eg by not prefacing the grape nonsense with "your sister has been on at me" then she's part of the problem isn't she?

I would have to say something to my Mum I think. Like "oh you know what she's like and it's easier for me not to get into these arguments, she can be a bit unreasonable".

Or maybe you can get db to say it.

If your mum.wont accept that sometimes your sister can be a bit over the top, when presumably she is well aware, then you need to understand that you mum, love her though you doubtless do, is at least a little bit implicated too.

And if your mums worries about her grandson choking on a grape at age 10 are really hampering her recovery, I'm afraid it's pretty clear where your sister's OTT reactions are coming from.

They are possibly both very anxious people. Can you pity them, rather than taking it personally?

And I'm sorry I can never see 'the grapes of wrath ' without thinking of thrombosed piles. Which is completely unhelpful of me as I don't want to make light of your horrible situation but 🍑🍇

You don't say how old your DS is, so it's possible she may be right about the grapes (I always read that it's age 5, but I only started giving my 8yo whole grapes about a year ago. The stories are horrific).

As for the rest of it, I think what you're doing is great - essentially grey rock, stick to talking about your mum, etc. Is it possible she doesn't remember the screaming - was she drunk?

Your DM sounds as bad as your sister. My adult DD's don't get on. I do not interfere, I leave them to get on with it. That way I can have a relationship with both of them. If your DM carries on I'd be inclined to reduce contact.

Thanks for the reply. It's way beyond anxiety, it's deliberate efforts to stir and upset. Ive had decades of it. The specific, grapes in this instance, are almost irrelevant. There have been lots of different themes over the many long years. They can't be discussed, there are never apologies.

I've spent a long time pitying sister which is why I agreed to go out, against my better judgement, and walked into it again the other week.

Mum doesn't understand. I was often told to look after my sister when younger (even as an adult!) The couple of occassion I tried to draw their attention to worrying behaviour, and the only times I've done it have been when I've been worried for her, not because of things she's done to me, parents have shrugged and done nothing. But now mum decides to get involved. I don't know. This is a new tactic to involve mum, not something that's happened before, and will be because I'm not biting in the way I usually would.

I just want an easy life where I don't have to think about what she might do next. It's exhausting.

Could you treat it as a challenge ? (for want of a better word). You know your sister is trying to get a rise from you either directly or indirectly through your Mum. Challenge yourself to be as dismissive/ignore/amused as you can be everytime one of these barbs comes your way. In taking no notice at all and not responding to them, it shows you aren't giving her any headspace. Your DB manages it - just give bland 'oh really' or 'is that so' comments and then moving the conversation on.

Your DM knows your Sister has a problem Op but she's brushed it under the carpet all these years and that won't change. You've been raised to placate your DSis so it's hard for you to stop, but unless you do you'll still be scared of her for the rest of your life.