To be so annoyed with DP over health scare

[Evaka]

Hello

I have a small growth on my leg which appeared six weeks ago. My dad died of lymphoma a few years ago and had multiple cancerous skin lesions removed over the years prior so I'm fairly vigilant.

I spoke to virtual GP yesterday who reckons it's a low grade basal cell carcinoma ie very low risk skin cancer based on appearance and location. I'm referred to a dermatologist next week. All sorted through DP's private cover from work for which I'm very grateful.

I know BCCs are super treatable and so low risk they're barely considered cancer! But it's unnerving nonetheless and I've been having a lot of random nausea lately so have been unsettled and a bit worried something sinister is afoot.

DP went to work yesterday after I told him about doc appt, and I didn't hear from him the rest of the day. He came home around 8 and cheerily asked if I'd had a nice day at which I had a bit of a meltdown and told him he seemed uncaring. Still a bit sore about it this morning but also wondering whether I'm an unreasonable wagon.

YABU - he's not a mind reader, give him a break

YANBU - he should have realised this is worrying and been more considerate.

It’s hard, he’s probably feeling relieved and that it’s good news. I don’t think either of you are wrong just miscommunication and different approaches to the same situation.

What would you have preferred he do? He asked if you had a nice day, that’s not a crime. I think a message or two would have been nice but he may have thought you wanted to put it out of your mind. Don’t start an argument where there doesn’t need to be one - just tell him you’re scared and need to be treated with kid gloves for the week.

He could have asked how the appointment was. He went to work and came home and asked if she had a nice day. I would ask the person I loved how their appointment was and if they had any news. Because I’d be worried about cancer too. He wasn’t. That’s the problem. It’s like he totally forgot she had this appointment.

@Evaka I’m assuming that when you “told him about the doc appointment” you meant you just told him you had an appointment happening that day? And you expected him to actually ask about how it went when he got home?
Or was he actually still home during the virtual appointment so he already knew everything was ok when he went off to work?

YANBU. I have a DP a bit like this. It’s not that he doesn’t care, but he has this ability to move on to the next thing and forgets that I have expressed a concern about my health. I had laser surgery to try to bring down the pressure in my eyes a couple of months ago and was quite anxious about it. I was out for most of the day as I wasn’t permitted to drive and DP doesn’t drive. By the time I came home, he had completely forgotten why I was gone. Saw me coming in with a bag of shopping and asked if I’d bought any burger buns! He was embarrassed and apologetic (after being a bit defensive) when I reminded him of where I’d been. Needless to say, I would not have forgotten if the shoe had been on the other foot. It does sting a bit to be fair.

To be honest @Evaka I wouldn't expect more from my DH. You haven't reported a problem to him arising from the appointment and there isn't a problem.

I had a nasty health scare a couple of years ago and needed tests. I didn't even tell my DH until I was given the all clear. What would have been the point of two people worrying instead of one?

Sadly, I think you are being unreasonable here. DH had a 60+ health check yesterday and I didn't remember to ask him how it went until gone 7pm.

I'm sorry for your diagnosis, and I hope your treatment is bearable and successful.

My DH is exactly like this. He would hear the recovery stats, decide it's not worth worrying about, and assume everybody else felt the same way. Over the years I've had to spell it out for him - "I'm feeling really worried and it would help me feel loved if you checked in with me about how I'm feeling" etc.

I think his concern was proportionate to the actual issue, which was a small and very, very, very low risk skin growth. I understand that you were worried because of your dad, but I don't think your DP would necessarily be expected to make the connection between your dad's illness and a small bump on your leg.

Also, if you were keen to talk about it or tell him the outcome of your appointment, you could have just messaged him yourself rather than waiting for him to come home and mention it.

Obviously your response was an emotional one, and that's understandable; I'm not criticising you for it. But I don't think you can expect your DP to feel the same as you did. He wasn't worried because he was aware there was almost certainly nothing to worry about.

Thanks all, good to know it's not clear cut and others would be miffed. I can see my post wasn't clear. He was home during the appointment which resulted in doc saying he thinks it's low grade skin cancer and I'm seeing a derm for scraping/biopsy next week. So it's not nothing and I'll feel uneasy until I know for sure it's low risk and easily treatable.

I mean some of us wouldn't bother mentioning a bit of minor treatment - who needs a fuss? If you had told him that there was a serious issue, then he probably would have been concerned.