House guest not clearing up

[YoungTurk]

Okay, this is a genuine AIBU. I’m not going to fall out with this friend, don’t think they’ve done anything horrendous! Just interested…

Friend A just stayed for three nights, we’re good pals and have stayed with each other before. But I was really struck this time: using the shower after them, there was matted hair left on the floor, hadn’t used the scraper to use the shower screen, left suds everywhere. And when they left, they left dirty mugs in the spare room, half drunk cups of tea in living room and kitchen. We have a ‘stay at mine if you need to for work’ arrangement, and when I’ve stayed at theirs I’ve always washed up everything I’ve used/our dinner things, made sure the shower is presentable after using, bought wine/takeaway/coffee - offered to bring something to heat up/order take away for dinner etc.

I don’t mind a huge amount tbh, could have done without the clumps of hair in the shower, but everything else i wouldn’t normally bat an eye at for a guest. And to be clear I would never normally expect a guest to wash up or anything. It’s just with this friend we have a quid pro quo arrangement and at hers, I have done that and it’s felt expected ‘I’m part of the house’ ….I want them to feel comfortable, but was a bit surprised…so I guess my aibu is…aibu to be so conscious about being a good guest at theirs? If they don’t do the same at mine and that was my normal so just figuring out what actually is normal…

Is this the first time she's done this after being spotless before or the first time she's stayed over? Either way you'll need to tell her.

I've just spent several weeks staying in others' houses as a holiday base and I left everywhere spotless, every time.

You mention the usual guest gifts to hosts - did she bring anything?

I wouldn't expect a guest to leave the shower in state or leave dirty cups everywhere! Surely it's just basic good manners to clear up after yourself? I probably wouldn't be asking that friend to stay again!

I’d be gently and politely suggesting that you agree a few ground rules before the next stay. If this will be an ongoing set up it’s important that you both understand expectations.

Being me, she'd have been told at the time about the shower and cups, and she wouldn't be staying again.

Voted yabu because the solution isn't to lower yourself to her slobbish standards rather than have a direct conversation.

You're right, she's wrong. If noone ever tells her, she won't know. And if someone else does tell her in the future she would be mortified and may find it hard to be friends with you knowing that you've seen that side of her and didn't say anything.

Al you need to do is pick it up at the time.
"Janet, I'm doing the dishwasher, can you grab the mugs".

"Janet, im doing jacket spuds tonight unless you fancy something else? Otherwise if you pass Tesco, pick something up and ill cook while we drink that bottle of wine I got in."

"Janet, our water power/drainage/mould problem is shit, can you give the shower a rinse and scrape to keep things moving."

Basically ask her to donsomething while blaming something else to help her save face.