Fed up being a SAHM

[butterfliesandbee]

Currently feeling very fed up. Been a SAHM for many years, mostly working a few hours a week or ad hoc over the last 15 years. Youngest is 5.
Am totally fed up with the feeling of constantly being the one who organized everything, cooks dinner, school runs, after school activieties etc, it's been years.
I realise I am fortunate to be able to do this and not work full time but beginning to feel like I have wasted the last years and put everyone else before myself and I don't know how to change it. I have a project I would love to do, have done for years and know I would be good at it but require a few k to start but can't work out who will do school runs, after school activities etc. I wouldn't be able to afford after school care and have no other support. DH works long hours with regular travel which he can do as he knows I am always at home with the children but If I was at work what would we do?
Just want to achieve something for me and to actually prove to myself that I am worth more then washing, cooking, cleaning and driving, how do I go about this?

Can you take on a part time role that fits around the children? That way you can use your earnings to get together the money needed to get your project off the ground.

Start smaller with a different "project".
Think of something you enjoy and could do partly at home.

Agree with PP that something small or part time might be a good “first step”, but for the majority it comes down to having a conversation with your partner and figuring out what works best for your family, what works financially/practically/best for everyone.

Both parents can’t have jobs that require flex, travel, last min, long hours etc really unless you have support with childcare whether that is family or paid childcare so you as a team need to work out what is or isn’t possible.

Talk to your husband. Get him on board with the idea that the drudge years are over for you and you are changing. Then do something about it.

I disagree with some of the others. Decide what you want to do. Then tell your husband you are doing it and work out together how you will make logistics works. Whether that’s with him doing more or sourcing outside help. Many people have two working parents and find a way. No need to start small and part time. Good luck for the next phase of life!

Thanks, I do have a small amount of part time hours but to be honest it has just highlighted how much better I could do for myself then minimum wage.

Part of the problem is always being at home, I have no space of my own that's not covered in toys etc. being at home I find it hard to ignore the washing etc for someone else to do later as I am so used to doing it and also I hate looking at it.

It definitely sounds that you have itchy feet and no bad thing - it's a good motivator. I'd talk to your husband and say that you want 2026 to be the year that you start moving forward career-wise. Whether that is increasing hours, finding a new role, or maybe another solution altogether, hopefully you can work out a good plan that means you can start the new year moving closer to making your new project a reality. I'm concentrating on new projects next year too and have a few friends about something I will do before Christmas to help get things off the ground. I only had a text about two hours ago from one of them saying: "Have you taken the first step yet?!" It's good be held accountable as then people can support you in your ambitions!

I wouldn't earn enough certainty at the beginning to pay someone and DH often has limited notice of travel/ meetings so I can't relay on him for regular help during the day.

You're not fortunate at all, you're a mug. Sit down with your husband and tell him that you are going back to work and that all of the admin, pick ups, drop offs, cooking, cleaning etc will now be shared.

Unfortunately I don't know how to make the change while still having young children and no outside support. He has said he will help me but never actually follows through on it.

That's exactly how I now feel, a mug. I can't see away around his travel and me being at work though. It's not an option for him not to do it. It would be left up to me to have the children and arrange childcare that we don't have and none of the after school cares do last minute days and we couldn't afford it yet regularly anyway.

I've recently started back at full time work and part of that has been just putting things in OH calendar. Eg swimming lessons OH collect child.
OH has also had to speak to his boss about the change in flexibility.

Depending what your project is can you look for work ina related field?

See, I don’t really get this thing about people saying they can’t afford childcare. Your youngest is 5 so all your children are in school. You should definitely be able to afford childcare as it’s only wraparound school hours plus holiday care. Bear in mind you and your dh would be entitled to minimum 5.6 weeks annual leave each if working full time - so just over 11 weeks between you. So it’s not the whole of school holidays you’d need childcare, just a few weeks if you take some of your leave separately. Even if you’re only able to get a NMW job to begin with, you’d still make far more over the year than by not working. So knock the money aspect on the head for the moment.

you’re not fortunate, you’ve been sold the idea that being a SAHM is ‘the dream’ so you feel you shouldn’t complain or expect anything different.

it’s absolutely fine to acknowledge you want more now. It’s time for you to do more than just school runs, housework and meals.

have a look at childcare options - whether a childminder who can do school drops is best, or some other form of care. Start researching what you could do to get out there and start something new. You say you feel you’ve wasted the last years which is really sad - and proves you’re ready to take action to change things.

I was a SAHM for years, my DH had a job where he worked away during the week and we had 5 kids, 1 with severe disability so childcare would have been difficult. Once my youngest started school I retrained as a youth worker and worked termtime in a PRU, a very challenging but rewarding role. Could you find something term time until the children are older?