SAHM one

[Greengreenmoss]

I already know it’s unfair, but I’m just stuck as to the situation, any advice would be helpful.

2 DC, DD 8, DD 1 but additional needs, I’m SAHM, married with no mortgage. DH earns 80+ thousand with bonuses. No debt, he pays all household, cars owned outright, I have £400 put into an account each month to buy food, petrol. I’ve told him numerous times I can’t live on what I’m allowed. I can’t put DC 1 into childcare because of additional needs,I don’t think I’m entitled to anything myself because of husbands earnings, he says he has over 16k threshold in savings so I can’t put any claims in. I’ve no family/friends support and I’m struggling mentally and financially. I’ve contemplating separating, but he’s the only help I have with DC, I cannot cope without him, but I’m living an extremely difficult existence right now.

Reach out to Women’s Aid about support available should you choose to separate. It appears you are being financially controlled which is a form of abuse.

Check the Entitled2 website so see what you could claim and make sure any applications are made using your banking details, not joint accounts.

Speak to local nurseries about childcare, additional needs doesn’t stop a child attending and often they can help with additional funding for yourself.

When you say allowed? Do you mean he limits you to this? You absolutely need to get into women's aid. You are being financially abused.

You need a open and honest chat about finances first, you need to know exactly what comes in, exactly what goes out, and what’s left.

There’s a big difference between him only giving you £400 a month because he wants £1500 a month to himself, and him only giving you £400 a month because there is literally only £400 a month left after everything is paid for.

Are you clear on the cost of your broader household expenses? You need some visibility on this.

£400 could be a bit tight, or it could be a small % of what’s left and therefore not reasonable.

Is he refusing you more money or is he just being a bit thick about the cost of things you need to buy?
Really you should have access to all the money but if you are keeping separate accounts then he needs to give you more.

Thank you all for your advice. I shall definitely be making some enquiries tomorrow.

Household expenses are not much compared to what he earns, the house isn’t very big or old and we have no other debt (that I know about) so car insurance and tax, council tax, water, tv licence, house insurance, gas/elec, our phones, internet, we’ve got freeview, no tv subscriptions. House insurance, no life insurance. For how much he earns per month I just can’t see how he doesn’t have a large disposable income. Just over 1,000 a week take home. I doubt all our bills together come to that (then my 400). He has no concept of how much food costs, I used to use a lot of beef mince, it’s over £10 for two packs now so I’ve stopped that. Whenever I bring all of this up with him he just sweeps it under the carpet like I’m whinging and says things will change then tomorrow it’s forgotten about.

How do you not know this? You have chn together and he gives you an allowance??? Wth? The income should be joint.

You need to insist that he doubles your allowance, with an immediate transfer of funds, so that he follows through.

Show him the food receipts for the month. Prove to him that he is being unreasonable. Ask him if he wants you to feel untrusted and like a cheap maid.

This is not the behaviour of someone who loves you. If he refuses, then you need to tell him you will be getting a weekend/ evening job to earn your own money and he will need to provide childcare while you work.

Stop buying food and stuff he likes. Tell him you can't afford it. Eat early with dc.

These are great ideas thank you! I have been telling him I’m going to get an evening job because I’m so fed up. To the poster who asked about our situation, I did work before baby no.2 but we (him more than me actually because I’ve always worked and loved my independence) decided I’d be SAHM when we realised her additional needs.

If he doesn't have any concept of how much food costs, show him the receipts. You shouldn't need to do this as he should obviously trust you but I would do it if it'll help. Presumably he is eating the food too so food for the family shouldn't come out of your personal allowance.

I'm a SAHM but we have had a joint account since we got married. We have similar spending habits so it works out well. Your DH does sound financially controlling, I would be concerned if I didn't know how much money was coming in&out, how much savings we had. Even more worrying if he's not open to having a conversation about it. I hope you manage to get through to him.

You won't get any means tested benefits because it's expected that your H keeps you if your family decision is that you don't work. It's ironic he apparantly knows this, yet fails to meet his responsibility to provide for you adequately. You may however be entitled to DLA for your child with additional needs as DLA isn't means tested. The gov website has information on this. I agree with others that you may have no choice but to leave him if you can't top up your income by employment. As frugal as the state is in terms of support it offers, it will be more generous to you as a single parent carer than your H is to you as a SAHM.