Closer to one DIL than the other

[opossumossum]

Well, DIL isn’t quite the right word as neither of my sons are married but they’ve both been with their partner for over 2 years. My sons are both in their late 20s, their girlfriends are a little younger.
Lately DH has been expressing some concern that I’m clearly closer to DS2s girlfriends than DS1s. There is no grand reason for this, I just have more in common with DS2s and she is generally more receptive to meeting up without DS etc.
We don’t live near either DS1 or DS2, infact DS2 and his partner live in a different country.
I typically message DS2s partner most days, we share book recommendations, music, talk about sports etc. for DS1s partner I don’t have that relationship.
Next month DS2s partner and I are going to a sporting event together and will spend the weekend together. I have paid for it all, not because she can’t afford it or asked me to but it felt like a nice thing to do. DS2 can’t get the time off work for it or he would join.
DH and now some friends have said I need to be very careful or DS1 might view it as me favouring his brother but it’s nothing to do with that, they are both lovely women, I like both of them!
I think part of the difference is DS2s girlfriend has limited family, her mother passed away 4 years ago, her father lives in a different country. I think she is also just more naturally extroverted.
When I make plans with DS2s girlfriend I do always make the effort to message DS1 and ask if his partner would like to join but I usually get “she wouldn’t enjoy that” or “she doesn’t like that”. I’ll admit I’ve stopped trying as much but I’m obviously less inclined to message about a tennis event if I already know she doesn’t like tennis?

AIBU to think it’s silly to suggest I have to treat them exactly the same when they are two different people, with different interests and personalities?
DH thinks I should stop doing things alone with one if I won’t do anything alone with the other. Thoughts?

Is it common for people to hang out with their boyfriends mother? I never did that and have never known anyone to do that. You'll be more heartbroken than him if they break up 😅

I’m not sure if it’s normal, it happened quite accidentally, the second time I ever met her, DS fell ill and we had french open tickets! We had a brief moment of oh should we just not go but I’d already travelled as had she and we both decided that DS would be fine left to look after himself and went ourselves. Since then we’ve been pretty close!

I think as long as DS1s girlfriend doesn't mind then there is no issue? Has ds1 or his girlfriend ever expressed they were upset? My DHs brothers girlfriend was very close with my MIL (they are now broken up) and they would hang out alot, she would do MILs hair and drink wine and went abroad together etc. Didn't annoy me in the slightest because I had no interest in hanging out with them and have a very close relatioship with my own mother and sister. I was never offended at all x

Not normal on MN but definitely not a problem. I’m as close with my DIL as I am with my DDs, and we often did things together before they were married.

Honestly, you sound an absolutely lovely MIL. Keep including, and asking DS1 girlfriend, and maybe organise something you think she would enjoy.

A funny story my MIL once invited me out with her and her DD (my SIL), on the day of the trip MIL completely ignored me, and went off without me. Her son my DH was there when she invited me, and there when she avoided me on the day of the outing. I’ve suggested we go places (a lovely cafe/restaurant), an offer she ignored, then I took her DD, her DD raved about it to her DM then literally that week they went together. She never instigates or suggests we do something together so I no longer bother. She was the exact same with her ex DIL. No interest in having a one-to-one relationship with me, but instead I help facilitate her relationship with her son i.e. telling him to go visit her, telling him to invite them to dinner etc…😉

Relationships change and your DS1GF might need to lean on you in the future.

I don't think it's a huge issue, but why do you text DS1 to ask him about meeting up with his girlfriend instead of texting her directly/ That makes no sense to me and I think it would make far more sense to send her the odd text. I'd also suggest that you consider whether there is something specific you could suggest with DS1's DP that is more to her taste?

I do think that daily texts with a young woman dating your son is a bit much though. I guess if you're both happy with it and it's working out, thats fine, but that seems excessive. I'm not sure I text DH daily, never mind MIL.

Honestly I’m just not sure we are close enough for me to message her out of the blue with plans. I’ve met her a few times but DS is always there, she’s a pretty shy and quiet girl so I don’t want to put any pressure on her. I have her number but I think I’ve only ever used it to send pictures from family events or to wish a happy birthday to her.

There’s two elements to consider-
time spent
money spent
So if you and dil 2 are close and have common interests there’s nothing wrong with spending time together and if you do also invite dil1 and she declines you can’t be accused of favouritism. So I would continue as you are but still invite her form time to time.
But
Do you pay for dil 2 regularly? It’s one thing to treat her to say a dinner while you are away. It’s another if you are paying for everything especially if it’s a regular thing . It is like you paying for ds2 to come away with you sporadically and not doing same (or equivalent) for ds 1. If you are treating dil2 I would get DS 1 and dil a meal voucher or something they would enjoy.

Interesting point. I think we spend more on DS1 in general, we pay for his golf membership, we see DS1 without his partner often and always pay for days out etc.
I don’t think my children are the type to tally up money spent. I think that’s quite a Mumsnet thing to do.

I think you sound unusually close to both partners to be honest. I have known my MIL for 17 years and she’s lovely, but we’d never go to an event together alone, not even with dc in tow. Dh and I were married for probably 8 years and our 2nd baby was probably about a year old before I even had her phone number! Dh arranges everything and she and I pretty much only talk to say happy birthday or organise Christmas presents for the kids. She’s perfectly alright, but we aren’t in each other’s pockets. If anything, I’d say you seem a bit overbearing with the every day messaging. I think that would really put me off, but sounds like it works for you.