Making decisions

[VeterinaryCareAssistant]

If one person in a relationship really wants something, but the other doesn't how does the one who really wants it make peace with being vetoed.

How do they put the longing to rest and stop resentment setting in?

Too vague. It depends on what it is.

I have seen women on MN who have chosen to leave because they want another baby and their DH doesn't. I wouldn't do that myself, but I can understand it.

DH made it clear to me when our relationship started getting serious that he was NEVER moving back to my home country. I had to decide then if this was a relationship I wanted to pursue on that basis or not.

I think that these sort of deal breaers come down to whether you want the relationship more than you want the other thing. And whether the veto is fair - the decision n=on where to live or how many children to have are big ones that can legitimately be hugely polarising. Decisions on what colour to paint the walls of your house, what sofa to buy or whether or not to let your children play rugby seem smaller.

I want to get another dog and DP doesn't, not ever apparently.

I think the person has to try and reframe how they think of it. Instead of seeing it as a battle where one partner had the power to say 'No' reframe it as 2 people who love each other have different views and priorities. It felt important to me not to blame the other person for stopping me from having / doing what I wanted.

I also looked for the positives in whatever situation remains.

It depends on what it is, are there other ways of achieveing it? Or any kind of compromise.

Sorry posted too early.

Does it have to be your own dog that lives with you? Can you walk / care for someone else's dog?

What are your dh's reasons?

Well, I'm probably not the best person to ask that one then as I have said no to another dog and DH and the DC don't get a say.

But then, that's because I am the person who does the vast bulk of the dog care. And 100% of the mental load for the dog. And I was the one having to igure out what we'd do if we went on holiday or if we were out for the day and the dog needed to be looked after. And so while Dh would quite like a dog, he understands why I'm resistant and, to be fair to him, he's not that excited about the relatively small amount of dog care he DID have to do.

So I see why DH and the DC would like a dog, but that's my ine in the sand and I'm not getting a dog. They will just have to suck it up.

And to add, a friend went and got a dog even though her Dh really really didn't want one. And while her DH irritates me a LOT, I am very sympathetic on this one as there's a lot of extra cost and he is often the one who has to take the dog out etc because she is out with the DC or whatever. I dont blame him for being annoyed about the dog at all.

You need to make a choice and then make peace with your decision. Picture the rest of your life with your DH and no dog. Picture your life with a dog but without your DH. Which is more appealing? Only you know the answer. Do what’s right for you.

My DP's reason is that when our current elderly dogs go to doggy heaven he simply doesn't want the responsibility. I work very part time and he works from home so he watches the dogs whilst I'm at work which I am grateful for. But I am home more than I'm at work though and do all the feeding, clearing up, bathing and walking.

He's due to retire soon and wants to be able to go where he wants, when he wants during the day without worrying about the dogs being alone. That's basically the crux of it. I'm not due to retire for another 23 years.

I've tried to say with the "new" dog I'd use a walker/daycare but he's not keen, because despite not wanting another dog he'd take the responsibility seriously and doesn't really trust walkers/daycare.

But I'm obsessed about another dog like being broody for a baby, and we had a big argument about it again yesterday as an opportunity arose to get one from my place of work (vets) but he vetoed it. It didn't help that my colleagues were saying they'd just take it home, their DPs aren't the boss of them etc etc.

You already have DDogs. They might not like the new dog.
I'd wait until the dog-shaped hole in your life eventually happens. It will be far bigger than the DDogs. Then get the new dog.

Is the real problem the dog, or is it something else?

He is being entirely reasonable.

He's due to return soon and has no interest in minding your dog while you aren't there.

You can't expect a job when you aren't even there to look after it.

No to the dog. He doesn't want to be tied to the house when he is retired and can literally go anywhere without any ties. Well meaning friends try to foist dogs off on us - either us getting one or wanting us to look after theirs because, well, they want to go somewhere but can't because they have a dog!!

This isn't a I want to paint the kitchen green and he wants grey decision.

I have several family friends now who are increasingly stuck at home and not able to travel because of their dogs. Not all dogs go into kennels for holidays nicely and arranging care is a pain. It's ok when the dogs are younger but with an ageing dog they are less flexible and may have issues that mean they can't be left.

I totally understand that he doesn't want to be constrained, especially as he's had a dog, you still have a dog, he just doesn't want to do the dog thing.

I also get that this is a deep desire for you. It is similar to wanting another child, but ultimately you would not have another child if your husband actively didn't want one and this is the same.

There's no compromise solution here, there's a dog or not a dog.

You are presumably at work with dogs all day too and a lovely one came along and now you wish you'd taken it in, but this will always happen if you are working at a vets and you can't take them all, he's made it clear he doesn't want to collect dogs in his retirement.

Every dog has to be wanted by all the family or it is not a goer.

Yes, but how does a person accept that.

It's especially annoying because I never veto anything.

You have to apply logic.

You aren't entitled to a dog, don't have capacity to mind the dog during the day.

It's an unreasonable request especially when it will negatively impact someone else.

You're living with someone who's a lot older than you and is at a different stage in life. He doesn't want restrictions on where he goes and what he does. That's completely understandable.

You can’t persuade someone to want a dog. They are a huge tie.

As a compromise could you register as a fosterer or a holiday home for guide dogs?

Ha ha, unfortunately he won't go for fostering as the last two fosters I've kept. He won't fall for that trick again.

The most dogs we've had at one time was 5, and we're now down to two and it feels very empty.

My shifts are 3-8pm but Saturdays I work all day.

DP doesn't even go out after 4pm usually. He plays darts via a video link with friends.