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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is predatory behaviour?

38 replies

hotelheartbreak · 21/10/2025 05:59

I run a team in a very male dominated environment, one of my youngest female team members was being chatted up at a bar at the weekend by an older man (20 + her senior). Conversation turned to work and discovered he is the GM for one of our active clients, in his intoxicated state he suggested he would like to offer her a job, but only so he wouldn’t be able to keep his hands off her and would be ‘F**king her’ in the office. She felt embarrassed and didn’t know what to say as she didn’t want to do anything that implicated her in a situation she was uncomfortable with. She was polite, declined his job offer and left for another bar. She told me this on Monday morning, she was clearly rattled and worried this might look bad on her as she accepted a drink from him in an expensive bar.
He has since emailed and messaged her on LinkedIn in the space of a few hours, asking her for coffee / lunch this week.
AIBU to think this guy is a total creep, is being predatory and should be reported to his own HR department? I don’t really care if we lose work, just think that’s appalling. I’ve told her to block him, while I calm down and work out what to do!

OP posts:
GarlicPound · 21/10/2025 06:33

YANB at all U to feel that way, but "I don’t really care if we lose work" isn't going to fly terribly well for your own career.

This used to happen all the time when I was starting out. We learned to slither out of the old creeps' clutches - but young women shouldn't have to do that. Fortunately, they're no longer expected to and she has definite grounds for complaint. I'd take it to your line manager and/or HR and insist the guy's put in his place.

Even back in the '90s, an older department head of mine (male) did this for a younger female colleague. He had a right go at the client's boss, ensuring the creep apologised for his behaviour.

WiseAdviceNeededPlease · 21/10/2025 06:41

YANBU he will keep doing this. I would 100% report him to his company's HR team.

Barnbrack · 21/10/2025 06:46

GarlicPound · 21/10/2025 06:33

YANB at all U to feel that way, but "I don’t really care if we lose work" isn't going to fly terribly well for your own career.

This used to happen all the time when I was starting out. We learned to slither out of the old creeps' clutches - but young women shouldn't have to do that. Fortunately, they're no longer expected to and she has definite grounds for complaint. I'd take it to your line manager and/or HR and insist the guy's put in his place.

Even back in the '90s, an older department head of mine (male) did this for a younger female colleague. He had a right go at the client's boss, ensuring the creep apologised for his behaviour.

It's not 1975 anymore, women absyshoukd be challenging this behaviour and not 'slitherinh out of the creeps way' or 'learning to sit together' FFS why on earth would you want women accepting this sh*t?

GarlicPound · 21/10/2025 06:49

Barnbrack · 21/10/2025 06:46

It's not 1975 anymore, women absyshoukd be challenging this behaviour and not 'slitherinh out of the creeps way' or 'learning to sit together' FFS why on earth would you want women accepting this sh*t?

Show quote history

That's what I said. Though I didn't mention sitting together, whatever tf that means.

FrauPaige · 21/10/2025 07:35

It is vulgar and unprofessional to do this in a work related context, but this wasn't a work event, was it?

You have stated that this took place at a bar in her private life, and that their professional identifies were not known to each other initially, so she was engaging with this older man by choice.

This young woman, while in a bar, was approached by a man 20+ years her senior, reacted positively when he chatted her up, and accepted when he offered to buy her a drink, thus extending the interaction presumably because she was attracted to him or liked the attention. Perhaps she may consider a different choice in future if an age/wealth/experience/seniority gap is something that rattles her.

She needs to tell him 'thanks but no thanks'/'I have a boyfriend' and let his interest wane.

If he persists with his attempts to contact this employee using her corporate email post her rejection notice, you should notify him or his HR team, depending on your comfort level.

Barnbrack · 21/10/2025 07:45

FrauPaige · 21/10/2025 07:35

It is vulgar and unprofessional to do this in a work related context, but this wasn't a work event, was it?

You have stated that this took place at a bar in her private life, and that their professional identifies were not known to each other initially, so she was engaging with this older man by choice.

This young woman, while in a bar, was approached by a man 20+ years her senior, reacted positively when he chatted her up, and accepted when he offered to buy her a drink, thus extending the interaction presumably because she was attracted to him or liked the attention. Perhaps she may consider a different choice in future if an age/wealth/experience/seniority gap is something that rattles her.

She needs to tell him 'thanks but no thanks'/'I have a boyfriend' and let his interest wane.

If he persists with his attempts to contact this employee using her corporate email post her rejection notice, you should notify him or his HR team, depending on your comfort level.

Utter utter nonsense, recognising her he should never have approached her. He knew he was doing something wrong or he wouldn't attempt to buy her attention with a job offer.

Women in my world of we ran into an older man from our team, senior to us, and he bought a drink, we'd accept, we'd have a laugh, they'd saunter off and we'd continue with our night (and I say that as someone who is now an older, senior team member but was once in my 20s with a team of older men who also act as I've described) the lewd b**eds? They'd be pulled up by their peers.

Accepting a drink isn't asking to be in receipt of sexual overtures.

Dippythedino · 21/10/2025 07:54

Report to HR as his behaviour has already started to escalate. I had a similar experience in my early 20s & diffused the situation by asking about his wife every single time I saw him. Then I asked about his grandchildren, he didn't have any, but it gave the message as that's how I saw him. He eventually got the message but I made sure that the entire office knew about him.

The rules weren't as stringent 20 yrs ago as it is now so he definitely should be reported to HR before he preys on another victim.

FrauPaige · 21/10/2025 07:55

Barnbrack · 21/10/2025 07:45

Utter utter nonsense, recognising her he should never have approached her. He knew he was doing something wrong or he wouldn't attempt to buy her attention with a job offer.

Women in my world of we ran into an older man from our team, senior to us, and he bought a drink, we'd accept, we'd have a laugh, they'd saunter off and we'd continue with our night (and I say that as someone who is now an older, senior team member but was once in my 20s with a team of older men who also act as I've described) the lewd b**eds? They'd be pulled up by their peers.

Accepting a drink isn't asking to be in receipt of sexual overtures.

Show quote history

Reread the OP - it wasn't a work event. This is a story about a woman in a bar meeting a guy that turns out by chance to be a senior employee of a client organisation the company she works for provides services to. Read it again.

Dippythedino · 21/10/2025 07:57

FrauPaige · 21/10/2025 07:55

Reread the OP - it wasn't a work event. This is a story about a woman in a bar meeting a guy that turns out by chance to be a senior employee of a client organisation the company she works for provides services to. Read it again.

Show quote history

He offered her a job in his office so that she could be in close proximity to him. He knew exactly what he was doing so this isn't an isolated incident, he's targeting her.

LeanToWhatToDo · 21/10/2025 08:01

Dippythedino · 21/10/2025 07:57

He offered her a job in his office so that she could be in close proximity to him. He knew exactly what he was doing so this isn't an isolated incident, he's targeting her.

Show quote history

And he discussed having sex with her in the office like a piece of meat which was why he wanted to employ her, not for her brain or skills. I think HR would be quite interested in how he sees his role in the office.

KitchenDancefloor · 21/10/2025 08:07

The behaviour in the bar was awful. The continuing approaches are more worrying. This has the potential to become stalking / harassment.
This definitely needs to be reported and your colleague shouldn’t feel bad about doing so. It’s a natural consequence to his actions.

Rustymoo · 21/10/2025 08:09

If I read correctly this was in a private bar and it was only once work was discussed that the connection came to light. Tbh if a drunk man 20+ years my senior approached me I’d tell him to fuck off, but she choose to interact with him and accept a drink for whatever reason. Yes his comments were very inappropriate and he behaved like a sleaze bag and I can understand she was upset in light of what was said and him still trying to contact her via LinkedIn. Your advice for her to block him is spot on. If he continues trying to contact her then I think he should be reported.

FrauPaige · 21/10/2025 08:10

Dippythedino · 21/10/2025 07:57

He offered her a job in his office so that she could be in close proximity to him. He knew exactly what he was doing so this isn't an isolated incident, he's targeting her.

Show quote history

Yes, vulgar and unprofessional in a work related environment, as I said. If the job offer was genuine, she accepted the role, and he then harassed her, that would be an issue.

This job offer was indicative of sleezey behaviour, yes.

Diarygirlqueen · 21/10/2025 08:14

She was engaging with him and had accepted a drink, it was only when she realised the connection that she got uncomfortable.
No doubt, he is a sleazy git, but you did the right thing telling her to block him, but I wouldn't be referring it to HR unless he makes further contact.

curious79 · 21/10/2025 08:16

The conversation in the bar was gross but off work time. She left ASAP

its the messaging her on LinkedIn that’s vile and unprofessional. She just needs to respond saying I found you creepy on Saturday and now I find you deeply unprofessional and creepy. Please don’t contact me

OCDmama · 21/10/2025 08:28

FrauPaige · 21/10/2025 07:35

It is vulgar and unprofessional to do this in a work related context, but this wasn't a work event, was it?

You have stated that this took place at a bar in her private life, and that their professional identifies were not known to each other initially, so she was engaging with this older man by choice.

This young woman, while in a bar, was approached by a man 20+ years her senior, reacted positively when he chatted her up, and accepted when he offered to buy her a drink, thus extending the interaction presumably because she was attracted to him or liked the attention. Perhaps she may consider a different choice in future if an age/wealth/experience/seniority gap is something that rattles her.

She needs to tell him 'thanks but no thanks'/'I have a boyfriend' and let his interest wane.

If he persists with his attempts to contact this employee using her corporate email post her rejection notice, you should notify him or his HR team, depending on your comfort level.

There's a shit tonne wrong with your post, and I'm guessing you're either a man (cough, incel) or you've internalised a hell of a lot of misogyny.

When they started to talk about work and understood their connections that's when it began to cross into a professional sphere - and definitely when he contacted her via LinkedIn. The second that happened is when it became a HR issue - you identify who you work with, you're representing them. OP should absolutely contact his firm - least of all in case he's managing women.

Middlechild3 · 21/10/2025 08:31

hotelheartbreak · 21/10/2025 05:59

I run a team in a very male dominated environment, one of my youngest female team members was being chatted up at a bar at the weekend by an older man (20 + her senior). Conversation turned to work and discovered he is the GM for one of our active clients, in his intoxicated state he suggested he would like to offer her a job, but only so he wouldn’t be able to keep his hands off her and would be ‘F**king her’ in the office. She felt embarrassed and didn’t know what to say as she didn’t want to do anything that implicated her in a situation she was uncomfortable with. She was polite, declined his job offer and left for another bar. She told me this on Monday morning, she was clearly rattled and worried this might look bad on her as she accepted a drink from him in an expensive bar.
He has since emailed and messaged her on LinkedIn in the space of a few hours, asking her for coffee / lunch this week.
AIBU to think this guy is a total creep, is being predatory and should be reported to his own HR department? I don’t really care if we lose work, just think that’s appalling. I’ve told her to block him, while I calm down and work out what to do!

He doesn't work for the same company as you? then not sure there's anything you can do really. Your young female colleague needs to shut this down firmly. She's reported it to you. Sadly her politeness has been read as compliance by this creep.

rwalker · 21/10/2025 08:39

She needs to message back saying no thank you and you’ve made me feel extremely uncomfortable by saying you’d offer me a job but you wouldn’t be able to keep your hands off me fucking me in the office
a

JHound · 21/10/2025 08:54

I am not sure what his HR would do about it?

He is being a bit gross - but I think she is going to have to use her words. Say she is not interested and block him.

JHound · 21/10/2025 08:56

FrauPaige · 21/10/2025 07:35

It is vulgar and unprofessional to do this in a work related context, but this wasn't a work event, was it?

You have stated that this took place at a bar in her private life, and that their professional identifies were not known to each other initially, so she was engaging with this older man by choice.

This young woman, while in a bar, was approached by a man 20+ years her senior, reacted positively when he chatted her up, and accepted when he offered to buy her a drink, thus extending the interaction presumably because she was attracted to him or liked the attention. Perhaps she may consider a different choice in future if an age/wealth/experience/seniority gap is something that rattles her.

She needs to tell him 'thanks but no thanks'/'I have a boyfriend' and let his interest wane.

If he persists with his attempts to contact this employee using her corporate email post her rejection notice, you should notify him or his HR team, depending on your comfort level.

Accepting somebody’s offer to buy you a drink means nothing more than accepting somebody’s offer to buy you a drink.

Chiseltip · 21/10/2025 08:56

hotelheartbreak · 21/10/2025 05:59

I run a team in a very male dominated environment, one of my youngest female team members was being chatted up at a bar at the weekend by an older man (20 + her senior). Conversation turned to work and discovered he is the GM for one of our active clients, in his intoxicated state he suggested he would like to offer her a job, but only so he wouldn’t be able to keep his hands off her and would be ‘F**king her’ in the office. She felt embarrassed and didn’t know what to say as she didn’t want to do anything that implicated her in a situation she was uncomfortable with. She was polite, declined his job offer and left for another bar. She told me this on Monday morning, she was clearly rattled and worried this might look bad on her as she accepted a drink from him in an expensive bar.
He has since emailed and messaged her on LinkedIn in the space of a few hours, asking her for coffee / lunch this week.
AIBU to think this guy is a total creep, is being predatory and should be reported to his own HR department? I don’t really care if we lose work, just think that’s appalling. I’ve told her to block him, while I calm down and work out what to do!

I wouldn't get involved. I'm sure an adult woman can fend for herself, an employee doesn't need her manager getting involved in shit like this.

Also, do you know the amount of influence this GM has?

It could be just a "boy's club" where he'll get high fived and you'll get a target on your back.

Is it worth ruining your career prospects (and hers) just to play social cop?

Stay out of it.

Chiseltip · 21/10/2025 08:59

Dippythedino · 21/10/2025 07:57

He offered her a job in his office so that she could be in close proximity to him. He knew exactly what he was doing so this isn't an isolated incident, he's targeting her.

Show quote history

A friend of mine who keeps horses has hired her farrier on pretty much the same basis . .

🤔

vitalityvix · 21/10/2025 09:03

@FrauPaige why are you putting so much emphasis on it not being a work event? I hope you know that you can be disciplined by your employer for things you do outside of work.

Approaching someone in a bar and buying them a drink is not the issue. As soon as he realised that he had a professional relationship with this woman, the context changed significantly. Him telling her that he wanted to offer her a job so that he could fuck her in the office is unprofessional and misogynistic. Him continuing to contact her via LinkedIn is inappropriate.

Her employer has a duty of care to protect her from harassment at work, this includes harassment from clients.

Unorganisedchaos2 · 21/10/2025 09:05

If he hasn't contacted her after the event Id say leave it but its worrying he's trying to meet with her.

In my workplace we had an exec like this who had a notorious reputation for behavior like this and worse, he was on a final written warning that of there was even so much of allegation he was out. Im sure HR would have wanted to know if he was behaving like this. Its unlikely its the first time he's done something like this they could be building a case?

LeanToWhatToDo · 21/10/2025 09:16

It's very like social services, if everyone ignores all the little signs that kids are being mistreated at home it escalates. He is showing who he is with these comments and he clearly has no shame in expressing how he goes about his job, his priorities and power to strangers in a bar. This isn't something to brush off as it is likely this is something he has done before to be so confident.

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