My MIL is an alcoholic...

[OnMyLastNerv]

So as the heading says my MIL is an alcoholic. But a very middle class alcoholic which means she gets away with a lot more than others would. This has been going on for about 20 years, she made my husbands life a nightmare when he was a teenager and growing up. She's always been a pain in the arse does stupid things like gets chucked off planes and out airports steaming drunk or gets naked at weddings! (Yep that happened) but shes always been very good at hiding it from others. We wil occasionally get a phone call from her partner to say she's passed out on the floor covered in vomit etc or admitted to hospital for swallowing her own sick but again she's normally quite smart at hiding it. She's recently been made redundant which has meant more time for drinking! Her mortgage is paid off and they have a lot of savings so she hasn't needed to get another job so shes just been hitting the bottle hard and has been caught by family members drink driving and passed out behind the wheel surrounded by wine bottles sitting in her own piss MULTIPLE TIMES...anyway as a family we all got together to talk to her and she agreed to go to the priory for 4 weeks at the cost of £16k!!! Obviously when she was there she moaned about it because she felt it was degrading and that she's "not like these kind of people" so she left a week early but had conntinued to go to AA when she got home. Anyway it sounded like she was doing really good and they both asked if they could have the kids to watch whilst I was at an appointment and I was a bit hesitant but her partner and her had been going on about going to all the meetings and she was doing great etc so she came to pick the kids up to go straight to pick her partner up from work (15 mins away) and I said I'd collect them an hour later. Anyway by the time I'd got to hers she was steaming drunk and sluring her words I hadn't noticed this as I was in a rush to put the kids in the car to get to my appointment. Obviously im furious with myself for putting them in that position...they could have died but im even more disgusted that she would do that. It turns out she has been drinking every day since getting home from rehab and has been hiding drink on her dog walks up the woods or just blatantly driving to Tesco and drinking a bottle or 2 on the way home!!! Anyway all hell broke loose we've banned her from seeing the kids and she hasn't tried to approach us to apologise but my husbands been on my side of this and agrees that she can't see the kids until she sorts herself out....until tonight when his sister phoned to say that shes not been doing well shes still drinking loads and she crys all the time about missing the kids and he mentioned about maybe taking them to see her 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯 i explained if he wants to go and see her thats up to him but she won't be seeing the kids. She's very much a narcissist and I can feel the tables getting turned and this Is some how going to be my fault. She's never liked Me always thought I wasn't good enough etc but im now worried this is going to cause arguments between my husband and I. All advice welcome and needed

Am I being unreasonable for not allowing her to see the children

Your MIL may have once been a 'functioning alcoholic', who could, to an extent hide her dependency. Clearly those days are well and truly over, and have been for some time. Her alcohol usage has increased over time, and this is now more evident since being made redundant. Your MIL is very much a full blown alcoholic. Unfortunately, like all addicts your MIL will only finally accept help, once she's hit rock bottom. Forcing her into rehab and into AA meetings won't work, unless she wants help and is willing to help herself. She discharged herself from rehab, and although had been attending the AA meetings, she is still drinking. At the moment your MIL isn't interested in seeking help or helping herself. As with any addict, they will tell lies to your face and swear blind they're telling the truth. Your MIL's only priority is alcohol and when/where her next drink is coming from. In truth you can't 'fix' her, no one can, the only person who can help your MIL is your MIL. You and your husband's absolute priority is your children. Your MIL is unsafe to be around them, and if that upsets her, tough, it's fact. She needs to use seeing her grandchildren as motivation to become sober, but sadly I doubt it will happen. You are not being unreasonable,. Going forward you need clear boundaries. Your husband needs to understand that you and his children are his priority, not his Mother. No, it's not nice MIL not being able to see her grandchildren, but she needs to understand that all behaviours have consequences.

But how is it helpful to give advice that is just ideas? Should OP pay a solicitor £400 to find out your idea won’t work? That’s not helpful.

its not just that, its the suggestions OP suddenly starts following MIL around to report her when she drink drives- that’s also not helping

There is no answer that solves this problem. That’s life. Life isn’t that easy. OP has to roll with the punches, and do what she can as the situation adapts.
Obvious options would be divorcing her DH and getting social services involved, should it get to that.

Absolutely keep your children away from her while she's an active alcoholic.

Report her to the Police for drink driving.

There's a section on here dedicated to support for families of alcoholics - Talk Topics, Health, Alcohol Support

This will be hard for your DH. Please tell him the 3 C's -

You didn't Cause it
You cannot Cure it
You cannot Control it

I reported my own mum to the DVLA for alcoholism.

They sent her letters saying she needed to be investigated and informed her GP. She was too far gone to understand them really but she did stop driving.

If I'd seen or heard of her driving again I'd have phoned the police.

You can't cure or control her but you can take away her power to hurt you and your kids. And the public, obviously.

Saying other peoples advice won't work is your opinion.

And doubling down that there is no solution is doubly unhelpful.

I cannot believe you put your kids in a car with her.
Three weeks in the priory and a few AA meetings does not provide a miracle cure.
Forcing her into rehab was never going to work.
She needs to hit her rock bottom first though - and since being thrown off planes, getting naked at a wedding and repeatedly drunk driving & pissing herself hasn’t made her face this she’s still got a way to go.
Yo7 are kidding yourself thinking people don’t know.

As for the children seeing her - I think that should be more your husbands decision. HE needs to decide as if you force this issue it will come back and bite you in the bum.

The police have been phoned multiple times by my side of the family and they have added her details to a database so if traffics see her they will stop but thats been over a month since. We haven't had any contact for that time until his sister phones to let him know she's still been on the drink and was physically fighting her in Tesco to get to the wine aisle 🙈 his side of the family agreed to phone the police but they obviously are more concerned about keeping the situation hush! Her partner is American and I think they are worried if she catches a charge she won't get into the states. Id personally have phoned the police and watched them take her away this first time!! No one tells us until after it's happened

Its honestly baffling what this women gets away with! If it was someone on my side of the family it would be a completely different. She was disgusted when she found out her son was going out with someone from a council estate 🤣

How can you say that a woman who is naked at a wedding due to drinking is hiding the issue?

I think you should absolutely use the children here and say that she's not allowed to see them while she carries on drinking. You have to help her reach rock bottom.