To think ex’s parents have lied to me

[Savethebric]

DD has not seen her father since she was 3. We split when she was 1 but he had regular contact and paid maintenance for two years before literally doing a midnight flit with his girlfriend. He blocked my number the same night.

DD is now 10 - she hasn’t seen him or heard from him for 7 years, not a card on her birthday or Xmas. Literally nothing. The child maintenance occasionally catch up with him and dock his wages for a few months before he changes jobs and it’s another 18 months before they catch up with him again. He owes around 11k total.

His parents live locally. They’ve refused to make any comment on his behaviour. I hear from them maybe 4 times a year when they ask if DD can stay at theirs for the night. They don’t really speak to me when I drop her or collect her (I have to go to theirs to drop and pick up). I’ve asked them twice over the years if they know where ex is; they’ve always denied any knowledge of his whereabouts.

DD came back from a night at theirs yesterday and told me that “nanny” has a recent photo of herself, her husband and ex on her phone screen. DD said it’s a recent photo as nanny had recently changed her hair.

So they clearly do know where he is and they are actually seeing him.

I get it they are loyal to their son, we all would I think? Although I’d be horribly disappointed if any child of mine abandoned a kid.

AIBU to think I don’t want to send DD to theirs anymore given how easily they’ve lied to me? She isn’t particularly close to them at all

If dd doesnt want to go to her grandparents, i would stop all contact, that must be fucking with her head or will do when shes a bit older & has more understanding.

edit:I would also tell them why. They are just as disgusting as your DDs sperm donor.

I think they are in a no win situation.

If dd wants to go then Id let her go.

They may not know where he lives, he may visit them. They may know and he has threatened to cut them out if they day anything. They may constantly tell him to wise and be a parent and pay etc. You just dont know.

He sounds like absolute scum and his parents have facilitated that.

Seeing two virtual strangers (who are liars) who call you out of the blue 4 x a year, with no other contact in between, is not in your DD’s best interests. It’s hardly a close loving relationship. I’d put a stop to it.

I can't blame them for wanting to stay out of it. It doesn't mean they are supporting his actions though.

Shouldn't your daughter decides whether she wants to see them or not? It's about her relationship with them, not yours.

I think it is probably very hard for them with a son who is such a waster. I'd be more anoyed that the sum total of their engagement with yoru DD is a sleepover every few months. I think you'll find that she will start saying she doesn't want to go if that's the only relationship she has with them.

This 100%. It's your daughters right to have a relationship with and you shouldn't stop that unless 1. She genuinely doesn't want to or 2. They are a danger to her. Not stop contact because you are upset they aren't giving you their sons whereabouts and lied when you tried to get them to.

Also, you have no idea what he has told them about you and the relationship. If he's capable of doing a midnight flit, he's also entirely capable of lying through his teeth about everything and anything. Which can be really difficult for the family to accept or to live with.

I know a couple whose oldest son has form for treating his wife and children really badly occassionally. I know they really struggle and walk a constant line between saying something, being supportive of the DIL and DGC, and staying completely out of it. It's very difficult.

When was the last time you asked them directly if they knew where he was? Im just wondering if he has said 'il only see you if you promise not to tell OP' or if they have the 'let sleeping dogs lie' mentality and they've resumed contact since you last asked them and they dont want to cause any more issues.
What an awful man, how dare he treat both of you this way.

That's a bit of a leap.

DD saw a screensaver- that's not fucking with her head. It shouldn't have happened but it's not fucking with her head.

@Savethebric I think lying about this was inevitable. HIS behaviour is disgusting and I'd like to think that as a grandparent I wouldn't shield my child from at least meeting their financial responsibilities.

I would leave the choice whether to go or not entirely up to DD. . Unless there's more you haven't said?

Who wants to win? And what do they have to lose by being honest with their son's ex who is generously going out of her way to facilitate a relationship with the child their son has abandoned.

If they were telling him to wise up etc why wouldn't they say that to the OP instead of lying? She obviously has no way of getting in touch with him, so he'd never knew they had told her.

If these were grandparents who were maintaining contact, checking in regularly, offering to do some school pick ups, or taking DD for a few hours every few weekends, and/or wanting to see her more often, I’d think differently.

Phoning up the OP 4 times a year, asking to have her DD overnight, with no other contact in between, not even speaking to the OP during pick up or collection - hell they can’t even bother their arses to go and collect or drop off the kid themselves - it seems like they’re simply ticking a box, so that other people don’t think they’re as scummy as their son.

I'd go with your DD wishes about seeing her grandparents.
Their son is obviously an absolute twat, but I can see why it's hard for them to cut him off, however much they disagree with his what he does. They are his parents. I don't see how they can force him into paying his maintenance. They may be embarrassed about admitting they continue to see him or know where he is (I would be).
They certainly will never qualify for grandparents of the year, but as long as DD wants to go, I'd accommodate it. If she doesn't, I'd back that too.
Unfortunately, you are one of many, many mums who have got fucked over by a shit ex in terms of caring about his kids and/or paying maintenance. It's absolutely crap.

It must be confusing for your daughter to see nanny but not daddy. And even worse that she saw a photo of them all together recently.

It sounds like they are just trying to keep it neutral and stay out of their son's choices because they want to continue to see their granddaughter.

Like others have said follow your DDs lead. If she has a nice time when she's there, it might be worth continuing to facilitate her relationship with her grandparents. You are doing your part in trying and you can't change others 💐

Given she hasn't seen her Dad in so long, how can you be sure the other person in the photo was in fact her Dad?

It could have been her Uncle or their nephew / cousin of her Dad.