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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think if my DP is happy his DM should respect that

33 replies

CustardCreamer · 20/10/2025 12:40

DP and I have been together for 6 years, no kids. We're getting married next summer, all going well, excited making plans etc

My DP is one of three brothers, one of whom is married and has children. I've got 1 married sister who took her husband's name.

My DP has a surname plus first/surname combination that he has said for years he's not keen on. It's a surname that's not super unusual but resulted in lots of teasing at school and he just doesn't like it. This is totally his view, not mine imposed on him. I was happy to take his name, I don't have a similarly conflicting first name and didn't have the teasing at school, I'd not got as far as thinking how it would affect our children though.

My DP spoke to my parents about taking their surname, to ask if they'd be ok with that. His reasoning is he doesn't want our kids to have to deal with the same teasing. His family name will continue through his brothers and his brother's kids and my family name which he likes would come to an end with me taking his

My parents were understandably touched by his ask, I'd be happy to keep mine but his mother's gone ballistic. Saying I've poisoned her son against them and she could see this coming and how my parents must have sown the seed and put him under pressure and how he's never mentioned this to her before now etc etc.

He's now thinking of going back on it all to only keep his mother happy but I must admit, having now had this as an option discussed I think it's the right decision

I don't really want to have separate surnames, not even sure how that would work with kids, who's surname would they take? if we did go separate and the kids took my name I could 100% see this being an even bigger deal to her at that point.

Should I tell her to back off? Should I encourage my DP and support him in telling her to back off?

Such a stupid drama!

OP posts:

Vaninees · 20/10/2025 12:42

I’m sure she’ll adjust, given time.

OrigamiOwls · 20/10/2025 12:43

Your DP needs to decide who is going to take priority in his life...his future wife or his mum.

Linenpickle · 20/10/2025 12:43

Change the name. Your kids come before your mil.

MrsPinkSky · 20/10/2025 12:47

He's now thinking of going back on it all to only keep his mother happy but I must admit, having now had this as an option discussed I think it's the right decision

He really needs to grow a pair.

I thought it was weird enough that he asked permission from your parents to take YOUR surname.

Now he's thinking of going back on it to keep his mummy happy.

I'm not sure I could spend too much time around someone so wishy washy, let alone the rest of my life!

latetothefisting · 20/10/2025 12:48

Did he stand up to her when she accused you of all this?

I'd be more worried about marrying a wimp who let's his fiancee take the flack for his decision if not tbh. You deserve an apology from her not trying to placate her!

She's entitled to feel upset (even if it's really a bit ridiculous) but completely unreasonable to react that way.

If he backs down now you'll just have the exact same issue when you have kids. Better to just have the argument once. At most as a concession you could agree to the surname as an additional middle name and then literally never use it.

MrsPinkSky · 20/10/2025 12:48

OrigamiOwls · 20/10/2025 12:43

Your DP needs to decide who is going to take priority in his life...his future wife or his mum.

Or his future inlaws.

I dread to think what'll happen if he gets on really well with the neighbours 👀😁

DiscoBob · 20/10/2025 12:49

Just ignore her and do what you like. It's not surprising she might find it unusual as in her day it was probably unheard of. But so what?

Shell come round eventually. It matters not a lot in the grand scale of things.

PauliesWalnuts · 20/10/2025 12:52

Ignore her. I went to school with someone whose surname was Tudball and another whose surname was Skidmore. Both were bullied beyond belief and I don’t have a problem with anyone changing their name for that reason (or any other for that matter).

LastHurrahs · 20/10/2025 12:53

MrsPinkSky · 20/10/2025 12:47

He's now thinking of going back on it all to only keep his mother happy but I must admit, having now had this as an option discussed I think it's the right decision

He really needs to grow a pair.

I thought it was weird enough that he asked permission from your parents to take YOUR surname.

Now he's thinking of going back on it to keep his mummy happy.

I'm not sure I could spend too much time around someone so wishy washy, let alone the rest of my life!

Yes, he doesn't sound like much of a grown-up. I mean, it's the OP's surname he'd be taking. Unless, that is, he's of the opinion that women's surnames are really their father's, unlike men's surnames.

Purplecatshopaholic · 20/10/2025 12:56

Yup, he needs to grow a pair and tell his mother it’s his decision and she needs to butt out.

Brefugee · 20/10/2025 12:59

oh hard one. Remind him how he felt as a kid at school and how much he doesn't want your children to go through that.

And that he approached your family, not the other way round.
And that your family name will die out if you don't keep yours.

And then see what happens. (but in your case, i would also add that because of the potential for teasing, your preference is that you keep your name and your children have it too, and he can add his surname as a middle name)

Tanya285 · 20/10/2025 12:59

Oh god is he a mummies boy? I'd run a mile right now OP.

A mummies boy with the MIL from hell is the worst combination, don't make the mistake I did, you'll be miserable till the day she dies.

JadziaD · 20/10/2025 12:59

How ridiculous. Your DH made a decision on something, his mother kicks off, and now he's backing down and suddenly YOU are being dragged into it.

Pathetic.

And frankly, while in laws often don't like decisions that their children and children's partners make, to go so ballistic is a very bad sign of what is to come.

Having said all that, you said you didn't particualrly care so really, it comes down to what's more important to your DH - having you rname and abandoning his or appeasing his mother for a long term easier life.

Brefugee · 20/10/2025 13:01

even if you don't care about the name, @CustardCreamer , do you care that your future DH is a weakling who prefers to appease his mother over you? and doesn't apparently now mind that your children may be teased.

Can you adopt a different name altogether?

graceinspace999 · 20/10/2025 13:06

I think you’ll all be a lot happier if he tells his mother that as an adult he will be making his own decisions.

If she gets a say now, or if she knows she has power over him she’ll most likely be a nightmare in future.

beAsensible1 · 20/10/2025 13:09

god he needs to get a spine and do what he wants.

he doesn't need anyones permission, his mums or his in-laws

Anonymouseposter · 20/10/2025 13:13

Should I tell her to back off, should I support him to tell her to back off?. I think he needs to tell her himself. If you get involved it will make it look even more like it’s your idea.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 20/10/2025 13:17

I think if his surname got him horribly bullied in school, maybe future kids should take your name? But bear in mind, if it wasn't the name, it would have been the glasses, or the wrong shoes, or being too tall/short, too thin/fat, too loud/quiet or any number of other non-issues that can be used to bully someone.

Ultimately, I think you need to say to him that it was his idea, and he had good reasons for thinking of it - is his mum being upset a big enough reason to offset all the others?

I wouldn't worry too much about having you and the kids with one name and him with another, plenty of people dont share a name after marriage these days, it's no biggie.

MedievalNun · 20/10/2025 13:18

As PP have asked, did he defend you to his mum?

I know of a couple who combined their surnames to make a new, unique one on marrying - would that be an option?

Or double-barrel it, in a his name-your name format, and then quietly drop his name from
the one used to register any future DC. That way he’s honouring both sets of parents.

Personally, I think the surname decision is one for you two to make, and while I understand both sets of parents have opinions, it’s your life, not theirs. I’m not yet a MiL - that’s likely to happen in the next 5 years or so - but decisions like this are for my DD and her DP to make, not me. Your soon-to-be MiL is being an idiot - she needs you on side as you’ll be the mum of any DGC she has. And your DP needs to grow a pair and tell her that it’s a decision for you two, not her.

Good luck, & hope the planning goes well.

5128gap · 20/10/2025 13:18

No, don't you tell her anything. Your role in this is to step back and let your partner deal with her while you support him behind the scenes. Involving yourself as his spokesperson will set you up for a lifetime whereby you have the hard conversations and you are seen as the villain. This is your partners choice which he can stick with and defend to his mother, or change to please her if he wishes. You just need to await the outcome and decide if and how that impacts you and what you're going to do about that.

SummerInSun · 20/10/2025 13:44

Not the main point of your post, but there is no problem at all with parents not having the same surname. In my circle of professional women who mostly didn’t have kids until their mid 30s it’s almost unheard of for the women to change their name. We’d all established a professional reputation by that point. Generally the kids take the Dad’s surname but that’s by no means required, and my kids’ schools always email us as Mr HisName and Ms MyName. Occasionally a teacher will call me Mrs HisName because that’s the name they know my DC by, but it doesn’t bother me.

So one option is that you both keep your own names, then decide what to do about kids when they come along. (But I agree with PP that you have a problem if future DH has been so upset about his name for years he didn’t want to keep it let alone pass it on and yet he’s caved in to his mother. What happens when she doesn’t like the first name you want to give your kids, or he wants to turn down a job opportunity that requires moving because she’s upset?)

YourAquaLion · 20/10/2025 13:45

Why is this anything to do with his mum? He’s an adult and can do what he likes! Let him get rid of his horrible bullied name - he mum must have no heart if she knows what that naming combo did to him.
I didn’t take my husband’s name because it is too boring, I like my own, and I didn’t see why I should have to change mine if he wasn’t prepared to change his. He also didn’t want a combo last name or a total new made up name for us both.
Our son has his last name and my last name as a middle name, but I’m annoyed that I didn’t give my son my last name now because I’m the one that actually does all the admin!
I like having my last name as the middle name tho as when you fill in school and official forms as there’s less chance they might think we’re not together.
Your hubby defo needs to man up to his mum!

HedwigEliza · 20/10/2025 13:48

Don’t ‘tell her to back off’ which is incredibly immature and juvenile. Leave him to deal with her. It’s his mother, and this argument is nothing to do with you. It’s none of your business. Don’t get involved, and leave them to sort it out. There’s nothing to be gained by inserting yourself into this drama.

Shoxfordian · 20/10/2025 13:49

He should tell his Mum that it's his choice and she needs to get back in her box

Wallywobbles · 20/10/2025 13:51

Doesn’t really matter as long as the kids have your name.

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