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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

teen chores

14 replies

tuckmonster · 19/10/2025 19:40

I need help to understand if I am being reasonable with my expectations of my three teens 15, 17 and 19. I work really hard and I am out of the house from 7.15 am until 6pm every day. They are at school, college, or at work but when I get home there are often piles of dishes in the sink, nothing has been tidied the recycling washing has piled up and the place feels a tip.
I give them £10 per week spends plus I buy them what they need. I come home with bags of groceries and cook and they are sitting on the sofa on their phones which I pay for. Am I a total mug?
I completely adore them and we have such a great time and we made a list of chores together and they each chose a couple of things to be their responsibility. THe problem is they dont do it. If I go nuts they will do it for a bit and then they say things like 'I was too busy' (meeting friends for lunch) Or they say I'll do it later when I get back and then dont. They have things like groom the dog, hoover the downstairs, clean the bathroom. I have everything else.
My friend takes her kids phones of them every Saturday until they have done their chores but I hoped my kids would see that its everyones responsibility to keep the house in an ok state. I guess my question is, what does everyone else expect of their teens?

OP posts:
BeMellowAquaSquid · 19/10/2025 19:45

What are you giving them £10 a week for? Just stop it. Do the chores that affect you directly and stop doing extra for them. I stopped changing my dds bedding for a month and when she asked for a sleepover she quickly found out herself how to use the washing machine. I think we have to take ownership for our kids becoming entitled.

greengreyblue · 19/10/2025 19:46

They sound normal but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t help out . I would say they all need to clean and tidy up after themselves as a bare minimum.
As for washing recycling, stop that. I just rinse a tin can when I use it. Why is it piling up?
If they don’t start then they don’t get their £10. When my two were getting pocket money we had a blackboard with the amount and every time they didn’t do what they were supposed to or they were rude, we knocked £1 off. Was quite effective. 😂

Pleasegodgotosleep · 19/10/2025 19:47

That is ridiculous! I left home at 17 to go to uni. The 17 and 19 year olds have no excuse bar laziness! And 15 isnt much better.

Why are they rewarded with pocket money etc when they do nothing?? No pocket money until they do what they should.
Oldest 2 should be doing their own washing and cooking at least once a week.

I think you need to toughen up. No wifi/phones etc. Until jobs done. Stop doing everything for them.

Endofyear · 19/10/2025 20:39

Sounds like you are being a bit too soft to be honest. If they don't do their chores, then you don't do yours - no cooking, washing, lifts, pocket money etc. Make yourself some cheese on toast and go to bed and watch TV. Tell them to get the kitchen cleared up and sort themselves out. They are old enough to know they are taking the piss!

CatherinedeBourgh · 19/10/2025 20:43

They pull their weight like dh and I do, step in to do things that are needed. Only the things they care about though, getting them to do something they dislike is like pulling teeth. But they care about enough things that we have a decent balance.

Burningbud1981 · 19/10/2025 20:44

You sound very soft. None of what you’ve described would happen in my house. Stop with the pocket money for doing nothing. Take their phones. Turn the Wifi off untill chores are done. They are big enough to be pulling their weight. If you don’t start now things won’t change

ForgetTheTomatoes · 19/10/2025 21:06

You are far too soft. I hope you start now with making them do their own laundry. There should be a cooking rota for family meals. Why should it all fall to you? By 15 mine were making family dinners, they often did it together for company in the kitchen. I had a washing up rota as a child from 10 years old.

You are doing them no favours. Dishwasher or washing up, bin emptying on set days, laundry on set days so they have access to the washing machine etc. When we bring shopping in the children have always helped unpack it and put it away.

You need to sit down at the table with them and tell them you are not doing everything going forward so everyone needs to start taking responsibility for themselves and that includes rotas. Decide now how you want to do this going forward.

And no payment for chores either. Firstly, there is no choice, they don't get to decide not to do it. Secondly, no one is paying you to do chores. It gets harder when they earn their own money and pay for their phones but I assume they use your wifi. Google your router to see if you can access individual devices, that way you can cut them off but still leave your device connected.

When our children were little no one was allowed to leave the kitchen until all dinner stuff was in the dishwasher or hand washed, table wiped down and dried. Primary aged children can dry a pan and put it away. That way they understood what went into the whole process of planning meals; we sat down with them and they told us what their favourite foods were, we planned meals, made the shopping list and then we often took them shopping, one parent, one child to buy everything on the list.

Both my sons have lived away at uni, cooked from scratch, have clean and tidy rooms both at uni and at home mainly because we did daily tidying and I stood over them. My Mum was the same with us growing up.

greengreyblue · 19/10/2025 21:14

I disagree re laundry. It’s more efficient to do household laundry. Unpacking g shopping g with the whole family sounds like carnage. I just say DD21 has to keep her rooms tidy, change her own beds, clean up after herself, iron own clothes and cook once a week. DD also cleans up several times a week, alternating with DH as I cook most of the time. She still needs reminding!!!

lilseb · 19/10/2025 21:15

I don't think you're being soft like others are suggesting! But you are also not being unreasonable, and yes withdrawing pocket money is an appropriate way to deal with it.
Teenagers will be selfish and lazy so will need to be pushed to understand they have responsibility.

TartanMammy · 19/10/2025 21:29

Stop giving them the £10 a week for a start. Stop doing any of their laundry or cooking any meals for them until they start pulling their weight. This is completely unacceptable! You're not their skivvy.

My ds is 15 and yes he can be very lazy 🦥, but will do thing he is asked to do, eventually. He keeps his own room tidy, empties bin, unloads dishwasher, will run the hoover round and is generally expected to pick up after himself. The 11yo has less jobs but gradually increased it as he gets older, he helps me unpack shopping, keeps room tidy and lays away laundry.
The reason they pitch in is because they know me and dp work hard and they need to contribute to the household too but also because if they need money, lifts, want food made, phones paid etc then they need to pitch in, all of those things stop if they haven't done their jobs.

rwalker · 19/10/2025 21:32

You get more work out of a willing horse
play to there strengths make a list of chores and get them to pick what they are going to do

FuzzyWolf · 19/10/2025 21:38

rwalker · 19/10/2025 21:32

You get more work out of a willing horse
play to there strengths make a list of chores and get them to pick what they are going to do

The OP says they did that.

rwalker · 19/10/2025 21:40

FuzzyWolf · 19/10/2025 21:38

The OP says they did that.

Oops missed that
plan b stop the £10 each and pay a cleaner with the spare £30

whistlesandbells · 19/10/2025 23:07

Why do you give a 19 year old - an adult, £10 a week pocket money only for them to treat you with total disregard?

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