To feel like I can’t be there for my mum?

[Ifatreefalls]

I feel like the most selfish arsehole in the world. My mum’s husband is (most probably) dying from cancer. He still has 1-2 years to live but he’s recently had to go into a home which is obviously very difficult for her. They’ve been married around 10 years and I’ve never liked him but I obviously feel sorry for him now and I do really feel for my mum. She’s not elderly and is very fit and active and has plenty of friends (and maybe I’d put more effort in if it wasn’t for this). I just really struggle to be there for her emotionally because I feel such resentment about my childhood. She’s never really been there for me and has always put herself first. She ran off with another man when I was 11, I didn’t see her for months (her choice). Then I ended up living with them during some of my teenage years. I also blame her for leaving me with my dad, who became abusive (I’m unsure if she knew this though). The step dad wasn’t that bad but she let him criticise me often and did everything he said, no matter how badly it affected me. She was loving though, showed a lot of affection, never judged or criticised me and was always supportive in everything I wanted to do. So she wasn’t THAT bad. Since I was 11 though, I’ve never relied on her emotionally, never told talked to her if I was struggling with anything. I just never felt able. Now she suddenly needs me, I find it so hard. She complains I rarely call or text so I really try to then I just can’t face the phone call and put it off till the next day, then the next, until she calls me and says something like “if I didn’t call you I don’t think you’d ever call me again”. I feel so shut down to her emotionally. Like I’m wound up into a tight ball holding my breath. I wish I didn’t feel like this and wish I could be there for her, I just don’t know how to stop the resentment from rising. Am I just an arsehole who needs to suck it up and be a better daughter or am i justified?

I had a shit childhood, my mother never went to parents night or even seem interested about my education. Left school without qualifications but took myself off to College.

When I married and had children she turned into the most caring grandmother, my children adored her. Was there something wrong with me to cause such disinterest.

I have a teenager and she gives me such a hard time, not being there for her etc… I honestly am and try my upmost to be the best mum I can be. I look back on myself as a teenager/ twenties and blamed my mum for a lot, now being on the opposite end I realise she was just trying her best and that’s all any of us can ever do. Hold the resentment all you like, it’s your life and your feelings, you are allowed to feel how you feel. If however you want a relationship with your mum, you need to be there for her, she’s reaching out to you and clearly needs you.. this is your path to choose and take but take it knowingly….this will be the foundation of future years not the past.

You are perfectly justified in feeling how you do @Ifatreefalls

Your mother sounds emotionally neglectful at best and extremely selfish at worst.

I don't buy the whole 'she did the best she could' narrative, it feels like a cope out. When people say that I often feel the response should be, 'well you don't get medals for trying your best especially when a vulnerable child needed you'. People need to own their poor choices and the long shadow of emotional neglect that the child has to carry into adulthood.

You are angry because you know deep down she wasn't there when you needed her and the relationship is once again all on her terms. If you don't deal with the anger it can turn into depression, so if you can some counselling might help with what you are feeling.

But whatever you feel right now, those seeds were sown in your childhood and should not be ignored.

I’ve felt the opposite, since having my own daughter it’s made me more and more baffled about how she could have chosen a partner over me, hung up on me when I called to ask if I’d ever see her again, left me with an abusive parent. I could not fathom doing that to my own daughter. It’s made me more determined than ever to make her my priority always and never let her feel alone. Resentment isn’t always a choice, for me it’s an overwhelming feeling that I don’t know how to get past. I’ve tried to make an active choice not to feel like this but it doesn’t work like that, emotions are incredibly powerful. I do want her in my life, she’s my mum at the end of the day. I guess maybe I just have to grit my teeth and try to be there for her

I can relate to this. My mum left my dad and we were small. She she later took up with my step-dad who just always wanted her for himself and she allowed him to take her away from us. We were relatively well cared for but emotionally and educationally neglected. Also, left to our own devices quite a lot of the time while they were away.

In essence, she never put us first. We were treated like a minor irritation. We were never prioritised, she was more concerned with random friends, none of whom she still in contact with.

When I had my own kids , she changed her tune and became a little bit more attentive but this was always on her terms.

6 years ago they moved house and are now 4 hours away from me. Travelling back and forth to see them exhausting.

She's now very old with various serious health issues, my natural instinct is to rush to her bedside and do everything I can to help her but I have to remind myself how she treated me and remember to myself first, just like she did.

It's a bit of a headfuck tbh.

You owe your mum nothing.