He should have told her.

[Userabcdef123]

Separated from ex husband for 2 years now. DS (11) does 50/50, DD (12) doesn't see him.

DD came home from school this week and told me some boy from DS class has come up to her and said "oh your dad is seeing Bob's Mum". Bob is a boy in DS class at school!

Since then I have found out that he's been seeing someone for over a year and my DS has been spending lots of time with her and gone away for the weekend together. I'm shocked as DS hasn't said anything to me! It's very possible he's been told not to but I won't see him until Tuesday.

My DD has been really angry and upset and has now said she isn't even going to do the phone calls with him she is supposed to.

Am I unreasonable to think he should have let his DD know? To avoid her finding out in this way.

Yes, her dad should have let her know.

It's wrong to risk her finding out elsewhere like she did and causing her embarrassmrnt and it's also wrong to him to cause division between his children regardless of whether they both see him or not.

He's probably not a great guy anyway since you split from him.

Don't blame your son or allow your daughter to do so....he shouldn't have been put in this position. The man is a shit father.

Why doesn’t your dd see him?

Why is your dd so upset about this ?

It’s nothing to do with your DS so no blame on him. If your DD chooses not to see her father than she has to expect not to be told things. She can’t have it both ways.

Don't ask your ds about it, that's going to put him in one hell of an uncomfortable position.

Your dd is choosing not to see her dad, there must be good reason for that, but that makes it difficult for him to give her information, even with them having calls, how can he find the right moment to tell her if their speaking time is very limited.

He obviously hasn't been the best dad to her at all, but this particular situation has him between a rock and a hard place.

Tbf to him, if dd doesn't see him he is u likely to want to tell her over the phone and risk hher going fully no co tact and ds has probably kept quiet for that reason.

I think you need to think long amd hard about dragging DS into explaining his behaviour when he is most likely doing his best to manage (as a child himself) through what sounds like a messy divorce.

I would explain to your son that there should be no secrets and if his DF told him not to tell you that it is not right.

Let’s think 🤔 perhaps because she learned the news from a random at school? Because her father has let her brother in on the secret and not her? Because her father should have told her before she found out?

No I don’t think she is owed that tbh. It’s mildly complicated by the fact that your DS does see his Dad and knows about his personal life but tbh I don’t think any child either had the right or needs to know that their parent is seeing someone.

As she chooses not to see him, she's being a bit OTT, but SHE is a child, so it's understandable. What I don't understand is why YOU think DS should have 'told' either if you. He's 11, navigating his way through all of this, best he can.

Your EX doesn't have to tell you about his love life, he doesn't have to tell you about other people DS is spending time with, as you don't have to tell him.

when relationships break down & adults don't communicate well, you can't expect an 11 year old to be the mug in the middle.

just tell DD if she wants to be part of her Dads life she needs to see him & enable this, if she chooses not to, she can't be surprised when other people know things she doesn't. She can't have it both ways.

Do not approach your son with this first, he isn't your information go between.

Contact ex and tell him dd is upset as x approached her at school - then tell him what dd was told. Ask him how he would like to do next.

Logically a face to face meeting with dd and her dad would be the sensible step.

I think my thinking is that she is still his Daughter. She has seen him recently at sports events for DS.

I absolutely won't question him but I am going to enforce we don't have secrets. What an awful position he has been put in.

DD is in my opinion understandably upset that in her words "all of DS' class know before I do".

Ex doesn't owe me anything but a matter weeks ago was constantly messaging me asking where I was, what and I was doing and saying he wants to know what his children are up to!!

DD has valid reasons for not seeing him all backed up by cafcass recommendations.