Christmas eve/day/Boxing Day No family ?

[familychristmas]

AIBU to always have these 3 days just for us (Me , dh and dc)?

We are more than happy to travel to see or meet up with family before or after those days but prefer to keep the 3 ‘Christmas days’ just to take the dc out on Christmas eve and be at home Christmas Day and Boxing Day relaxing and the dc playing? In the past (4 years ago now the last time we saw anyone
on those days) it was just chaos and we always ended up unwell and dc overstimulated and unhappy (dc and me have autism).

Already this year it’s started to be seen as an issue (mostly MIL also my family) we’ve said we are fine to see them on the days before Xmas eve whenever suits them or 27/28/29/30/31dec but it seems to be an issue. We just prefer to be at home relaxing why is that such a problem ! Have to add that throughout the year nobody is that forthcoming with invitations to anything it’s like they feel they have to do this at Christmas through habit? Every year prior to us saying we were ring fencing the days for family time MIL and SIL and her kids used to want to visit late in the day on Xmas eve and it was too much as they are the sort of people who don’t get the hint that it’s time to go !
AIBU?

I think you're doing the right thing, especially if there are people who jyst don't know when to leave!

I know what you mean about feeling overwhelmed at Christmas, especially with people who don't bother any other time. Stand your ground!

I don’t get it myself, I think of Christmas as being a time for extended family, we all (big house but not that big) descend upon mum, she offers, my poor suffering father agrees, no choice I’ve suggested the canaries or the algae! One day she will not be able to do it and family has expanded with the grandkids having partners now

I found that Christmas was more fun when the children were young and we spent it with extended family. As they got older they didn't enjoy hanging out with 'the olds' and fitting in to their ways (lunch at a set time, too much food, certain things had to be on TV etc) so that's when we started the just us Christmas. Now I spend Christmas day driving to visit an elderly parent (this year in a care home), driving home on boxing day and we'll have our own Christmas on the 28th (one child lives overseas and the other is visiting inlaws so just us this year). I think it's good to spend time with your families whilst you can as you never know what's around the corner (sorry but that's based on my personal experience).

I agree with those saying I do think Christmas is a time for the WHOLE family. Fair enough Christmas Day if you want to have that just you but I think it’s lovely to share time altogether.

YANBU to do whatever you want really, it’s your life. But some of my happiest childhood memories looking back are of Christmas with all extended family, despite the chaos, noise, mess and overwhelm at the time. It was overwhelming but once a year and with time to be quiet and recover on the subsequent days between Christmas and new year.

We do offer plenty of opportunities and invites for the days before and days after those 3 days when it’s still very festive. The dc especially though are very fixated on the routines of Christmas eve (which SIL dc used to involved themselves in and with ND children you really can’t have others changing things it didn’t go well and was chaotic not calm ) and they just want to play at home undisturbed on Christmas Day and Boxing Day. We also make sure we never work on those 3 days so it’s really special family time we want to protect. We do offer so many opportunities to MIL in particular to see dc in the run up to Christmas .

I think your way isn’t traditional and we’d be sad if a close relative chose this every year. BUT there is nothing wrong with it and your families will keep adapting.

It will be very hard for MIL because she is facing never seeing one of her kids at Christmas ever again. I think that means you owe her extra grace and love as she adapts - maybe a special invite for just granny if that will be okay boxing day. Does DH have any interest in popping out for a few hours? Again these are things you can consider but not mandatory.

Your days sound like the quiet Christmases we had between generations and they were lovely and special in their own way.

I'm with you OP for Christmas eve & Christmas day itself, Boxing day get togethers are fine in my book though as long as all family members take turns in hosting of course.
You must do what suits you & your children best though.

Even if your children were not ND what you do is fine.

There are threads on this every year and have been at least 5 already this year.

Some people - and I am one of them - see Christmas as about wider family and inclusion. Others, for myriad reasons, see it as for nuclear families only.

Christmas is a season. Do it the way that is right for you. There are many ways to achieve this and just make sure you're being as honest as possible and thoughtful as possible about those choices as you don't get the time back.

We did this last year and the day felt a lot easier, no pressure or spending the day rushing around to see relatives, etc. I found that I did miss seeing everyone though so this year going for a middle ground rather than all or nothing

Me and DH also have big extended families each and I have health issues plus a child with SEN so I understand, but blocking off 3 days in a row would feel too selfish to me and I don't mind seeing family, I just have to plan to rest as well inbetween. So I might reserve Christmas eve and/or boxing day to rest and recover but spend the actual day with family. Or vice versa, have Christmas to yourselves but arrange something else for Christmas eve. That's how I've always approached it anyway.

Do what makes you and your family happy....all you can do. If the family don't like it then tough potooties

It's a tricky one but ultimately you should do what's best for your family and taking into consideration your DC.

We open our house to all parents and siblings on Christmas Day and cater for everyone from 12 noon until 10/11pm. We have done this for 10 years now. We have 4 young children. I find it harder and harder each year to keep Christmas Eve to ourselves as in-laws always try to come then too (as would my parents if we let them) but I politely say no thank you as I really do like our little Christmas Eve traditions just us and it gets too much for her kids having the house open to everyone for days. Boxing day we sometimes visit family sometimes just chill.

Good luck OP!

Sounds blissful.
When I got married 35 years ago (and mainly because of my husband's demanding job), we made a "no relatives on Xmas Day" rule, and have stuck to it ever since. It makes life completely stress-free, and means that we can go very low key on Christmas (or go away on holiday), and keep life simple. I recommend it.

I’m all for do as you please, however, can you honestly say you will be happy to be left out if your own DC have the same rule when they are grown up? Endless years of christmases alone for Mr&Mrs @familychristmas? What if one of you are left on your own?

sounds like bliss I would keep to your plans Xmas is overrated anyone and all it is is people playing happy families with people they only see once a year everyone wishing the day is over and therefore drinking the day away its a overrated Sunday dinner at the end of the day can do that any day of the year

Yes we do this and love it!

we see in-laws before Christmas and my family after. Still in the holidays. Anyone is welcome to come to us as always. But we’re adults with a young family so we don’t travel around like we’re still students coming ‘home’

You can only do what you can do. But it's quite harsh on your parents and your husband's parents that they never get to see their children or grandchildren on those central 3 days.

Needs change over time. As children get older so do our parents, and I think it gets tougher on elderly parents to be excluded. So this year - probably fine. This year and every other one for the foreseeable - I'm not so sure.

YANBU. Just stick to your plan.

I don’t know a quiet Christmas as a couple or alone doesn’t sound too bad as long as there are some good films, a visit to church on Christmas eve and lots of chocolate 😂😂😂

I see your point but as I said earlier they aren’t even that bothered the rest of the year so it’s all feels a bit fake as if they are doing it for show or through habit rather than a genuine want to see us / the dc. Coupled with it being chaotic and overwhelming and some one always ending up really ill it didn’t feel worth it anymore