is this normal for a young adult (25)

[whitewine25]

Reaching out to parents out there with young adults. Son 25 and rarely goes out, stays at home all the time, just on x box sleeping or just having long baths. Occasionally sees friends, no partner but was in a long term relationship a few years ago. Concerned he will never meet anyone again if rarely leaves the house
Has adhd and wonder if this is the cause of the isolation and being alone. works part time and contributes but needs help with life, organisation, admin, appointments.
Any advice or help as i worry he will still be at home a 35, 45 with me in the background helping them along,
At 25 i was married and had my own house but i know things are very different now......
Is this not as unusual as i fear?

Similar situation here. Also ADHD. Although currently out of work. When he was working he seemed a bit more sociable, but the majority of the time he was home and in his room gaming. I envisage him being here until very late in life, if he ever leaves at all.
He’s only had a couple of short term relationships so far. It’s a huge worry. The lack of admin ability (paperwork/appointments/keeping on top of laundry etc) really worries me tbh, what woman is going to want to take over that role and have him as a partner? I fear for what his future will be if anything happens to me tbh.

Does he work outside the house or is it wfh?

outside the house but in a workplace with only a few men , older

It’s failure to thrive and is becoming more of a problem.
Work is so important for a variety of reasons. Not just the paying towards the household- although for both of you p/t and not working what are they doing to improve that? It helps with social skills and meeting people.
Also why would a woman be asked to ‘ take that on’? There is literally no reason they can’t do more.
This is from a place of experience- micromanaging and organising them is not the way forward. Did anyone do it for you?
@PersonalPityPartyis there any reason they can’t stay on top of laundry? It’s cause and effect surely? Eg if you don’t wash your stuff you won’t have clean stuff?
I mean this kindly ( and I have a big neurodivergent family) you are doing them no favours. Do you want to still be infantilising them at 40?

I suppose the question is how severe is his ADHD? Is he on medication for it? Do you see yourself as a carer as well as a mum (i.e., is it that severe?)

My DD22 has ADHD and a neuropsychiatric disorder so I am expecting to be involved in supporting her one way or another for the rest of my life really; be amazing if I am wrong, but that's my plan. She has tried to live independently (with me doing most of the admin) and attends uni with varying levels of success. We'll keep trying of course. BUT - big but - my DD knows she has these issues, she doesn't think it's ok. She hates her limitations.

I do have friends whose sons are in a similar position and the boys are quite happy for everything to remain as it is, it's safe for them. Where does your son stand in all this? What does he think?

No it's not normal - I don't think it's that unusual to go through a phase like this (although more common in teens), but it needs taking seriously and taking in hand.

You can get coaching assistance for ADHD for free through the governments access to work programme so get onto that, and at the same time talk with him about what he'd like to do - an apprenticeship with other young people is probably a good idea, so talk to the job centre about that. If you think he's depressed then get him to see the GP.

I'd explain to him gently but firmly that you are concerned about him and this can't go on, so he needs to take steps to get into work or training full time, in a job with some younger people about. Encourage him to join a gym to get out (I'd pay for it if you can), and to limit time on the x box. If he won't agree to the latter be clear you will insist he gives it ti you at a certain time in the evening unless you see change - he is not a child of course but he lives in your house so you have to use what clout you have to stop him self destructing.

It's easy to have kids slip into these phases but once you realise they aren't going to sort it themselves, it's important to stop facilitating it.

I think my main issue would be what attitude they had with it. If he could see that life wasn’t really going as it should and identify that it was a problem I would feel better. If he was happy to continue with the status quo, that would make me worried.

My 23-year-old has not got a girlfriend and has never had a proper relationship. But he really hates that and is trying to do something about it. He does not have ADHD and he has a job and friends. I don’t think it is healthy for this generation to be spending so much time at home.

But house prices mean young people can’t move out, people of my age working from home means they are also having to work from home, and the virtual world makes it easier to hide away. I don’t think we have done this generation any favours.

The biggest question is do you talk together about this stuff? Open communication is key I think.

I lived at home in my twenties but it was made very clear to me that I was to work full time and start building a life for myself. Part time work and being sat in all day was not an option.
I have Asperger’s so did need a little bit of a shove as I found the step up to adulthood a bit hard.

A sit down chat about expectations and full time work needs to happen.

Sadly the waiting time for access to work is around a year for an answer to the application..... It's not as simple as always free access If considered a reasonable adjustment that can be provided by the employer.If coaching is needed you'll be better off sourcing privately

mine also cannot manage laundry or staying on top of life, but this is the adhd, they do want to change and have all sorts of ideas but cant seem to get going on the ideas.
Yes medicated

quite severe yes and on meds. Tried living away from home but it all went v wrong

It’s so hard isn’t it; my DS has ADHD (and I suspect autism); he has a job but really doesn’t cope with admin etc. He also has what I think is PDA so he’s very very disagreeable a lot of the time and certainly doesn’t want to discuss his problems. I want to help but he won’t have it. I feel like I may have to move out rather than him!

@stomachamelon OP has now confirmed that her DS's condition is quite severe, so its got nothing to do with "infantilising" him.

@whitewine25 it seems he does want to change things; do you get any help from, for example, an adult mental health team? There might be support you can get through the GP too. I am involved with a local Action for Carers group - this does vary area to area, but worth checking as they organise social prescribing, support you in dealing with the GP and provide access to ADHD courses (and many other courses). Did your DS previously go through CAMHS or have any help at school?

yes but v v long waiting lists

I have similar concerns about my 18yr old. She's finished school and everyone has gone to uni, she's drifting at the moment. She's hard a couple of jobs she applied for that didn't work out and her job at a local garden centre is really dropping off due to the seasons.
She spends a lot of time at home at the moment and barely interacts with people her own age. I feel it's so unhealthy and have really been pushing for her to get another job which has caused a few battles. She has just been offered job at a very busy tourist attraction which I'm hoping will keep her very busy over the next few months. Work is so important for lots of reasons other than money, meeting friends, keeping busy, mental health etc.....
She's also announced she is going to uni next year, I know it's not really cool to talk about university from the viewpoint that it's an expensive experience, but I really do think that she's missing out and she's no longer thriving staying where she is.

I'd suggest looking at changing the adhd meds. I became resistant to my first lot. Changed to a different type and I'm loads better.

There’s the access to work scheme mentioned upthread, also able futures, which is very high quality.
I’d encourage him to look into civil service careers. They’re fantastic employers for neurodiverse folk. I wouldn’t worry too much about life admin. I’m my family we’re 60% dreadful at it, but you scaffold, outsource and get by.

Re scaffolding:
things that have really supported my adhd kids and me include:
Meal boxes- only occasionally but taught skills.
Find friends for all of us.
Using phone and Alexa as an alarm or reminder for everything, not just waking up but other admin. Screenshot or photograph any documents, use the search function to then find them. I can produce everyone’s passports NI numbers, travel house and car insurances within moments.
Church. We all separately have supportive villages.
Housework hacks: unfortunately this we haven’t cracked but a few that really helped over the years were individual drawers for schools stuff. Shared drawer for all the swimming stuff. Food shop online. I’ll often book a slot when I haven’t got headspace to think of what we need and then add to over the intervening days.

It is very very unhealthy and the longer it gives on, the harder it will be for him to believe in himself that he can get on with his life.

How many hours does he work? He should be working FT for a start.

I have ds similar ages, and there’s definitely two types, those that go out clubbing and the home birds. With computers/gaming/social media etc, you don’t have to physically go out to socialise anymore, You can do it from the comfort of your gone.

However, at 25, he should be working full time, saving money, making plans for the future. He’s not going to do this off his own back, so you need to intervene. Sorry to say, you’ve made life too comfortable for him at home.

Start making changes. From now on onwards, he cooks a meal once a week, empties the dishwasher, puts the bins out. Gradually introduce more jobs ,laundery, cleaning etc).

Sit down and help him write a cv and apply for jobs. If necessary, get him on a course (or make plans for next year) to improve his qualifications.

Regarding socialising, , encourage him to join a club. It can be anything - badminton, Warcraft, historical reenactment, tiddly winks etc.

@stomachamelon he isn’t infantilised. He is just incapable. He is AuDHD. I left home at 18 but had been cooking, cleaning, doing laundry etc since age 11. I had a job from 14 years old. It is frustrating that he can do so little, but that’s down to his AuDHD, NOT poor parenting, but thanks for putting the blame on me.

@PersonalPityPartythat is absolutely not what I was doing and I am sorry if it came across that way.
I have sons and all are autistic. This was not a glib comment made just to annoy or upset you.
I had to put things in place. One of my sons never washed underwear once at uni. He came home with hundreds of pairs of socks as he would just go to primark and buy more. He couldn’t cope with the laundrette and other people’s stuff.
The amount of diagnosis now though, people cannot just absent themselves from adult life. It is infantilising to continue the same routines as if they were children.
Am happy to share what I do that works eg meal plans, modelling etc.
I am not having a pop.

None of mine are incapable and one was sectioned for years. What makes your son incapable of working, washing etc?