AIBU to feel terrible moving year 4/5 DD’s school?

[glasstutu]

I have 3DC but third was an unplanned but lovely surprise. Our house was almost too small anyway but it’s definitely too small now. Don’t have a bedroom for DC3, won’t be able to fit any more stuff in our living room (currently have play mat and bouncy chair in living room but can’t fit anything else and we all know how much more is to come!). So we need to move, it’s becoming overwhelming so dh and I decided to start looking by after Christmas with a goal to be moved by April. We cannot afford a larger property in our area; the jump from a 3 bed to a 4 is about 200k which we just can’t do. But I just feel so reluctant as the older two are at a really good comp where they’re thriving; my DD has so many good friends, DS is finally finding his feet and both are on top tables in their classes. I feel terrible about taking them (but mainly DD as DS isn’t as settled and I think would be fine moving) out of this school and having to start again as we moved here when DD was finishing year 1 so she had to start again already. But even if we could trundle along until high school, which we can’t, she’d have to go to a different one anyway (we can’t afford anywhere within either school’s catchment area). AIBU to feel terrible about moving her school? It’s really not feasible to stay in our current house, it’s tiny and we were struggling for space before our baby came along, we can barely all sit in the living room let alone have space.

If you’re going to have to move at some point I’d do it now so she can make friends in her last two years that she can then go to secondary school with and I’d prioritise moving into a really solid catchment for secondary as well as considerations for primary for the other two. However I think putting the house on the market after Christmas to be moved by April is quite an optimistic timeline.

I agree that it’s an optimistic timeline. I think we put ours on the market in November and moved by the following June due to the massive chain we ended up in

I think your timescale is optimistic. The housing market is generally flat at the moment and the soon to be budget is not helping, so it may take longer than you think.

Ultimately though, you have to do what you can to provide for your family.

Christmas to April is quite an unrealistic timeline if your house isn’t on the market yet. January will be quite dead in the market. Most people are readying their homes for March. It took us 5-6 months to sell, have offer accepted and complete, and our house sold within 5 days and we have an offer down somewhere by the next week. And it was only a chain of two …

Have you contacted the schools in the new area(s) you have in mind? Do they have space?

I don’t know what the feeling of the thread will be, but I actually do think it’s selfish to move them, yes.

Don't waste energy feeling terrible about it - you are doing the best you can in the circumstances.

Focus your energy on helping her make the move when it comes (eg make your new house very welcoming to friends even if you don't feel like it). But as PPs say it may take a while..

Edit - I'm assuming an extension isn't an option? If you can then do that.

Your timeline is incredibly optimistic. Its much more likely she will be part way through year 5 by the time you're on the market and have moved. I appreciate she's going to find it hard regardless but is there no way you can manage until she has finished and moving for secondary? Realistically it's not going to be much longer in the grand scheme of things.

She can't raise 3 kids in a three bed house though? Her teens are opposite sex and her teen daughter is definitely not going to want to share a room with a toddler sister. So what else can she do?

I’m in Scotland where, in our experience, it’s about an 8-10 week process once the property is found. It was even quicker with current property. Dc aren’t teens yet thankfully!

If you have to move you have to move.

I’ve been there.

rip the plaster off.

Also extension isn’t an option, we live in a flat that’s not on the ground floor.

I thought they were teens too as the OP said they were at a ‘comp’ but I think they’re both primary age?

It’s sad that they have to move and I get the guilt but you don’t have a lot of choice if that’s the only way you can afford to get a bigger house.

Is there no way you can get the eldest to their current primary if it might be just for a year or is it totally impractical?

I’d get in with it sooner rather than later though so they get chance to settle before the eldest then has to go to high school. Get it on the market now, you never know, you may get lucky (although it’s not the best time of year)

If you’re going to do this, do it asap. I agree trying to sell Jan to April is a silly timeline. Get the house on the market and plan to be moved for the new school year.

Can you both manage school runs to keep children at their current schools short term?

I realise circumstances change but it really is quite destabilizing for your children to have to move twice within primary years. I had to and my schools were only a few minutes apart so a pointless and selfish move.

Please make sure this move is long term or you can afford to stay in the same area at least.

as we moved here when DD was finishing year 1 so she had to start again already
I think YABU. I appreciate you are in a difficult position but moving is very unsettling and I know resilient children bounce back etc but you did ask and it’s twice for this child. It’s not ideal.

We had the opportunity recently to move into a bigger house but we decided the financial stretch was too much and uprooting our children just wasn’t worth it.

Primary school on Scotland goes on to year /P7. So it’d be 2.5 years. By which point my DS would be in year 5 and so I’m in the same position, plus DC3 would be in year 1. Our current home has a small living room, a galley kitchen, 1x double bedroom, 1x single bedroom and one box room.

Oh and a bathroom obviously!

They aren’t teens, they’re in primary school.

You said it’s a house in your OP.

@DidimumI did, I meant home.

For Scotland that seems like a realistic timeframe, market is a bit quiet still so maybe add a week or two on? I moved my DS at the beginning of P6 and was worried we were making a mistake, he is now in P7. It went better than expected, he has a great new friendships group and he still sees his close friends from his old school. I would move now so your DD has friends going up to secondary.

I wouldn't move if you're in an area with good schools. I'd declutter massively, (can't you fold playmat and bouncer and shove under the sofa?) and think about bedroom allocation. Eg I have the smallest room in our house, it just fits a double bed. Could you use one of the smaller rooms and two DC share the double room?

We are in a very similar situation to you and have decided to settle for a “do-er upper” so we can stay in the area if we can make it work. We live somewhere that was cheap 10 years ago but is now stupidly expensive

Our house has been on the market since July and after two offers that both fell through, one of whom really messed us around meaning we lost out on a house we put an offer on, we feel really down about it all at the moment. Next door to us is a comparable house and sold for asking price in a week! But I think they were very lucky - everyone seems to be saying how bad the market is right now.

good luck

Unfortunately, our room is the only one you can fit a double bed in. Otherwise, I wouldn’t mind having a smaller room. Our living room has a couch, chair, table, tv and the baby things I mentioned, we can’t fit anything else in. In the DC’s rooms, they have high-rise beds so that they can have that bit of space under. In our room, we’re really going to struggle getting DC3’s proper cot in after they’re out of the next to me. I just don’t think that we can stay here for much longer.

I mean, I think realistically you will have to move as a ground floor flat with the 3 children isn’t going to work, and I think it will get to breaking point and as you have mentioned your other kids will be further along in primary and it will uproot them anyway unless you waited until your youngest was ready for high school, but by the sounds of it it won’t be possible. I’d do it sooner rather than later. We moved recently, not far really only 25 minutes away but different area, completely different high school etc. our old house catchment high school was terrible so we didn’t mind moving anyway. I have 3 daughters 1 in reception, 1 in year 5 and 1 in year 6. We moved in May, and straight away my youngest who was at the nursery of the primary school all of my kids are at, was moved from the old school to a new local one - that move was always going to happen, since she hadn’t yet started reception it seemed logical to move her an start her school journey in a school she can stay in throughout and likely go to high school with friends. We moved to an area with a brilliant high school so we were glad of that for my two eldest daughters especially my daughter in year 6. The plan originally was to keep them at old primary and just do the separate school runs until they left but that was a huge issue in terms of commute, which we hadn’t even realised would be so bad but the type of journey meant tonnes of traffic any time of day that wasn’t midday. My middle daughter wasn’t happy in her class so we enquired and a space was available at new school so she moved 2 weeks into this new school year, she’s loving it and is so glad she moved. My eldest we never were planning to move, not only is it sats and final year with her friends, she has a nice group that she gets on well with, wouldn’t say they are best friends, but she’s happy mostly at school. She does also have a send support plan due to ADHD and Autism - plus anxiety and ocd so this was another issue, she’s high functioning but does have some interventions in place. The school weren’t great with a lot of things, but the senco was brilliant and recognised the support my daughter needed. And a move for her especially with her anxiety and her issues with ocd/ sleep etc just seemed mad. But we spoke a lot about it, we had other issues with the old school and new school had a place in year 6 so 3 weeks ago we moved her aswell. So far, she’s thriving, and I know it’s early days and she’s likely masking and it’s a novelty so there will be tough times, but she’s already made a big group of friends, has been invited to parties and houses for tea , and the senco and send department are fantastic. She’s also made a big group of friends who will be going to the same high school which was one of our big worries as nobody from her old school would be going.

I know our situations are different, and it’s a really hard decision to make, but ultimately, being able to move to an area with a good school, and a good primary where your children can make friends for high school will be so beneficial. It seems like it’s kind of the only real choice so I’d do it as soon as you can and just prepare your children and help them transition. Good luck !

I moved primary school year 5 and actually I think it was perfect timing as it gave me time to make friends ready for the big move to senior school