I only really enjoy life with alcohol

[Mushroo]

I am a chronic over thinker / worrier. My head just doesn’t shut up, ever. I am constantly thinking about what I need to do, but also procrastinating and then feeling guilty about procrastinating. For example, even if im relaxing and watching tv or a film, I can’t concentrate and I end up checking things on my phone and doom scrolling.

I don’t enjoy conversations really, as I worry about saying the wrong thing, or I just don’t really care what people are talking about.

However, if I have say, a large glass of wine, I feel relaxed, everything is more fun, I can actually concentrate on what I’m doing and enjoy the activity. I become fully engrossed in the task - it’s like the background noise is switched off and I’m fun. I actually enjoy conversations! I don’t feel constantly worried I’m saying the wrong thing. I can sit and watch a whole movie!

I vividly remember being about 18 and thinking I finally understood why people looked forward to the weekend - for the first time I enjoyed being at parties, going for meals etc.

Im not an alcoholic, well, maybe I am, but I only drink a glass or so on a Friday / Saturday , but I honestly think I’d enjoy life more if I could drink more, (I also think my work would improve but I obviously don’t drink at work!)

The problem though is the anxiety / overthinking - would medication replicate that large glass of wine? Or do I just need to accept this is who I am.

(I’ve tried exercise, meditation, yoga, going for walks. None of it works as well).

I'm similar with overthinking and I've tried everything 'natural' - diet, exercise, mindfulness, therapy - none helped significantly.

I've finally accepted I need help and have started taking an SSRI - it's been hugely helpful and I have no desire to drink to relax anymore.

Similar to you I didn't drink loads but it was the only thing that calmed my mind. But the consequences on your body from alcohol are so awful, especially as you get older, it's worth considering medication?

SSRIs stopped my partner's brain whirring like that. I also lean a bit on booze when stressed but I find valerian root to be pretty effective too. It's natural, over the counter and works wonders for some. Worth a shot?

I've had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol all my adult life because of the very reasons you talk about.
I was chronically shy growing up and at 18 I discovered when i'd had a drink I could actually talk to people.
And every social interaction I ever have in everyday life results in me sitting in the evening ruminating about it and worrying I'd said/ done something stupid.

I've had to monitor my drinking all my life because I'm constantly aware how easy it is to slip into mental dependendence on it. I have done quite long periods of total abstinence.

I did find CBT very helpful in giving me tools for dealing with the intrusive thoughts. That and the intermittent use of propranolol has helped me survive.

yes i am the same and i have a wine every evening

There is a movie about this, a group pf
teachers experimenting with keeping blood alcohol levels at a certain level, it looks really funny.

Would you consider cold water swimming ? I’m just in another thread about drugs and cold water swimming has the same euphoric feeling on your body and mind as cocaine does, but the effect lasts for 9 hours instead of 20 mins. It’s might be worth a try ?

Also I saw this diagram on instagram, it’s not my diagram, I hope it’s ok to post it:

Here:

A other one fir SSRI.

@Mushroo I used to feel the same way as you do about alcohol. But then the true horror of it was displayed to me by a family member unable to free themselves from its insidious grip.
Alcohol took my confidence from me when I was a child, whilst pretending to be my ‘Dutch courage’. It destroyed my mental and physical health whilst ‘relaxing’ me. If you can’t enjoy life without it, the drug is controlling you. Is that really what you want for yourself? Alcohol hijacks dopamine pathways in your brain, that’s why you don’t think you can’t enjoy life without it. Stop using it and the true joy of life can be experienced.
There are other ways to overcome shyness (practice being with people without being drugged) and find peace in your head(meditation, cold exposure, yoga) that don't involve poisoning yourself with a legal, socially promoted, taxed, addictive drug. You can learn them. It takes time and work, but you can do it.

@SuspiciousTimes i completely get want you’re saying, but I’ve done 2 years tee total (pregnancy and breastfeeding) and I didn’t feel any better at all.

I felt bored, there was none of this ‘buzz’ non-drinkers talk about.

So have no problem quitting at all, I’m not addicted, I just don’t enjoy life as much as with it.

I will definitely look into medication based on what others have suggested - anything that can sort of replace the alcohol I’d be very happy with.

as it stands, even if I got liver cancer, or early aging, I’d take that over long life I’m not really enjoying, which I get sounds awful

I've had a lifelong problem with alcohol and binge drinking, but during covid we stopped having alcohol in the house. My DW also made the hangovers so horrible I clearly remember thinking I have to choose between drinking or my family. And I stopped drinking. Now, at a work event I may have a glass of wine to look social but I don't think about it anymore. It took me years really. But when you come out of the other side you see how where before you thought no alcohol was boring, now people that need the booze are boring. Yes, it also means you realise many social groups or situations you'd have enjoyed before are no longer enjoyable. Congrats, find things you really like! Just my two cents. Not drinking is the best life hack.

You are self medicating with alcohol. Many people do. You may get away with it, or you may develop a physical or, more likely, psychological dependence. Make an appointment to see a doctor you can talk to…

Maybe read about ADHD and see if that's a fit.

Yep. That's what it was for me. I quit drinking a long time ago but was like this with other stuff too - junk food, shopping - it's the dopamine hit. ADHD medication has totally changed my life.

I completely relate OP. Actually your thread has been a bit of a lightbulb moment.

Like you I don’t drink much, at all, one or two glasses on a weekend evening. Maybe a bit more if I’m out with friends, but not that often. But it makes me so much more relaxed and frankly more fun.

I think a couple of posters have misunderstood. This is not about problematic drinking or creeping alcoholism. This is about realising how much anxiety and overthinking is going on in my brain most of the time - which is demonstrated by how different I feel when I (occasionally) dial it down with alcohol. It’s not the drinking that’s the issue, I don’t drink much and could stop easily, it’s the anxiety and overthinking.

I am about to start HRT and hoping that will help. I may also try CBD oil capsules as I have some sitting in my cupboard anyway.

And if it's not that... Alcohol itself makes you anxious. If you stopped drinking for a while you might find the alcohol was causing this.

I honestly do not see this as a problem

If you feel better after a glass of wine, drink one

Yes exactly this.

It’s almost as though the alcohol takes my brain to what (I assume) is how a ‘normal’ or more mellow person feels like most of the time.

Im not talking about the being drunk feeling at all.

I might give medication a go based on the recommendations here

I wish you nothing but the best and hope you have many happy times ahead @Mushroo. Others have good advice on medication, hope it helps you.

@Mushroo would it help you to consider that there is no template for "what a normal person feels like"? Not in any given situation and certainly not consistently, all the time? We are all of us different. You looking at other people and finding that you are not the same as them - that is in fact as close to "what a normal person feels like" as any of us are ever going to get. Shutting down your receptors whether with booze or pills might be a pleasant sensation, but it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you just because you feel different to everyday, when you do this.

I really relate. To the overthinking, the difficulty concentrating on or holding a conversation - alcohol dials in down. I was a problematic drinker when younger - not helped by meeting my DH who is pretty dependent on alcohol. Responsibilities mean I control it now. The last 3 years I’ve gone off it for a few months at the start of the year, and I physically feel better, sleep better - but stay depressed until I start drinking and going out. Then I cheer up, until the drinking creeps up, I become more anxious and ruminating….and the cycle continues.

Have you looked into ADHD and thought whether other symptoms might apply? A lot of people with ADHD , myself included, use alcohol or food to self medicate because we are seeking that dopamine that our brains don’t naturally have. The way you say you always overthink, the procrastination and then guilt over procrastination and not being able to switch your brain off at all or relax, except when you have a drink was me 100% 8 months ago. I’d have a glass of wine in the evening to get me through making tea etc. Im now diagnosed and on medication and the noise is quiet, I’ve not drank in 6 months and I’ve lost 3 stone due to not needing to binge eat every night. It’s changed my life. Please have a read and see if you think it might be a possibility xx

My brain won't shut up. Bloody thing whirrs away constantly telling me I should be doing this and I should be doing that, why haven't I don't this and why haven't I managed that. Since quitting I've researched and I have realised I have ADHD and am on the path to get medicated. I am really hoping it helps as I too wouldn't want a whole more life of this.

I abruptly stopped, not through choice as a side effect of Ozempic. My brain is peaceful, 2 years on I cannot describe the joy of alcohol free living, the noise from anxiety was the alcohol. I wake up early, go to bed early, sleep like a log and find joy in waking up. I know it sounds like im a zealous convert but im not, it happened by accident and I thank my lucky stars every day. Everything is better x

I wish this was me. But I’ve done over 2 years alcohol free and it’s definitely not alcohol causing the anxiety for me, but I have anxiety and alcohol helps.

For those suggesting ADHD I’ve often wondered this and a LOT of the symptoms do fit.

Is the GP the starting point for the (long) path to diagnosis?

Alternatively, can you try meds without an ‘official’ diagnosis?

Sertraline solved the constant noise/thoughts in my head, as well as the procrastinating (avoidance) and then feeling guilty.

I can remember where I was when I suddenly realised my head was quiet about 2 weeks after starting it