To dread the nursery drop off

[Namechange3563]

DS is 3.5 started nursery this September for 3 mornings a week to try and prepare him a bit for school next year.

Drop offs have been incredibly hard. It’s an outdoor nursery with a lot of water play (and he absolutely loves getting soaked), but getting him into his waterproofs at home is a huge battle. It starts with him hiding under the table and telling me he is scared (I think he means anxious - his vocabulary is still fairly limited) and usually ends in bribery (which I know is not the right approach) or me having to physically force the clothes on him. Once dressed, he then seems to happily accept we are going to nursery and have a nice walk there. However as soon as we get to the gate, he starts to panic and lies on the floor having a full body meltdown & crying to go home. For the past couple of weeks, I have resorted to having to pick him up and carry him in kicking and screaming. I also have a 1 year old in a baby carrier so this is really hard work. I try and be calm & gentle and talk to him about all the fun things he will do but he has a mental block about going in that he can’t seem to get over.

Once there, he claws at the gate screaming ‘get me out of here’ and sobbing to go home. But then he settles within 5 minutes and completely switches his mindset and honestly has a great morning. The staff send photos and videos of him playing and getting involved in songs and dancing and muddy play, and I do genuinely believe he enjoys it. It’s just this drop off hurdle that we can’t seem to get past.

I thought it would get easier over time but it’s been 6 weeks now and really isn’t. Drop off often involves his key worker coming outside to help persuade DS in and they have been so great. But I’m really conscious that no other children have this extreme reaction and I’m so worried about starting school next year.

I don’t know whether there could be an element of ND here that makes his reaction so extreme? When I look up autism traits, some match and others don’t, but then a lot seem to be similar to typical toddler behaviour so I really don’t know.

It’s got to the point where I am absolutely dreading taking him in each morning - although I don’t show this to him and try and keep it light and breezy.

I have tried talking to him the night before saying ‘we are going to nursery tomorrow’ but he just shouts ‘no!’ and doesn’t really understand the concept of tomorrow.

It’s also not just nursery that is met with this strong reaction. He recently had to spend a couple of nights in hospital and any interaction with hospital staff was met in the same way. And we used to attend a toddler class together which started with him feeling really anxious and not wanting to enter the room, and needing to be held by me. But by the end of the year, he was much more confident and happily walking in.

Any advice on how I could better navigate this would be much appreciated.

Is he the same when his father drops him off? Might be worth trying that for a few days to break the cycle

It's very hard on you but good to know that he does settle and has a good time at nursery. Some children do struggle with transitions and you might feel that you're the only one but I promise you there are mums at every nursery in the country dealing with this at drop offs - you are not alone! Don't compare him to others, it's not helpful and you have no idea which of those children are being absolute buggers at home!

Persevere with getting him into nursery, do it with the minimum of talking and try and make the handover as quick as possible - sometimes lots of reassurance can be counterproductive as it's actually giving him the idea that there is something to be worried about! Just try for a breezy 'in we go, see you later' and beat a hasty retreat! Don't do too much talking about nursery at home to try and prepare him, again it's just feeding the anxiety. It's only been 6 weeks, which probably seems endless to you but it's still early days! Hope you manage to turn a corner soon 💐

Does he have to wear the waterproofs to leave the house? If he arrives without them on and sees everyone else in them would that maybe help?

He might also be worried that you are sending him there because of the baby. Is there any way you can take him without the baby with you? A couple of days of dad having the baby at home?

Firstly hugs as it’s horrible. My eldest hated every type of drop off and new situation, she defo has many traits of ND. She needed peeled off me for the first 3 years of school. HOWEVER she is now nearly 13, at high school and smashing it - has no problem going or sorting herself out at all and all her teachers love her, she has a great friend group and is away on her second residential trip, trying skiing (new to her). I wish someone had been able to show me it worked out well.

Things that helped:

• nursery drop off - speak to nursery and have a fixed routine - maybe key worker and him meet in the main building for 5 mins first, and he puts his waterproofs on after a soft start activity.
• don’t mention it night before or anything, just when it’s time to get ready to go
• visual timetable of the day and what comes after nursery
• baby in a buggy so not adding to the stress
• don’t be afraid to push nursery/school for an adaptation that will help and don’t feel like you should push him to be more like the other kids
• in general don’t push anything, my dd improved when she went to less classes and had more wind down time at home. Parties etc we’d go but she’d sit with me for an age but seemed calmer if I just didn’t push her to join in

He’s only doing 3 mornings. Yes it’s been 6 weeks but that’s what 18 hours so if he were full time he wouldn’t even be at the end of week 2 and no one would be expecting a lot in terms of settling. Give it time. Also- put the baby in a buggy, let him put on the waterproofs there if they’re causing problems getting him out the door, if feasible get Dad to do drop and keep the nursery talk to a minimum on non nursery days.

Thanks so much for the suggestion - it’s a great idea but he works a long distance away so is long gone before the kids get up. I could ask him to take some holiday but I fear the result would be the same…

Thank you so much - it’s reassuring to hear!

I did take him without waterproofs once and it was a lot easier to leave the house but the nursery staff struggled to get him into them also. I think I just passed the issue onto them! They said he didn’t want to interrupt his play by coming in to get changed and asked whether he could be dressed in them before he arrived. I have considered just letting him get soaking wet by not wearing them - he wouldn’t care at all, but we are heading into winter and it is predominantly an outside nursery so I worry he’d freeze. Gah!

This is really helpful, thank you so much!

Re the waterproofs- mine used to have fleece lined waterproof trousers from JoJo, could you look for something like that that he can just wear as his normal trousers so he doesn’t need ‘waterproofs’. Then you just need to do the coat but if he won’t wear it on the walk I’d be ok passing that on to nursery since it’s not a full set to get on.
I know it’s only a small thing but anything you can do to make it easier!

Also, thanks to everyone suggesting the pram. I have done that before but struggled to push the pram and carry a kicking screaming child at the same time. Another mum took pity on me and pushed the pram in for me.

I have considered getting a babysitter to look after the baby whilst I do drop off. Dad isn’t able to help at all in the day unfortunately but I wonder whether a babysitter might be the answer for a few weeks…

Perhaps a buggy board on the buggy would appeal to him

So hard! Bribery for walking nicely? Can you give him a yummy snack to eat on the way? Mine will do just about anything for a YoYo. Or how is he with a scooter? Will he go on a buggy board? One of mine absolutely hated walking anywhere but was happy on the buggy board or on a scooter.

Have you considered that it might not be the nursery for him? If the waterproofs are a barrier for him, and he’s feeling anxious about going, maybe a calmer nursery that has indoor sensory and cosy corners so he can have somewhere quiet to go on drop off and a big garden for outdoor play? School will be inside for some of it anyway so it’s a good way to prepare him if the nursery is a similar setting, and it may make life a bit easier now?

It's so nice to hear about a parent out the other side
This is great advice

It sounds like they are causing you a lot of stress about these stupid waterproofs...can't they just put dry clothes on him after the water play!? What a palava they're causing....never heard of a nursery forcing children into Waders.

Is it to do with the baby? My eldest went through the same behaviour and was a complete embarrassment at drop off with a full blown meltdown and begging me not to leave him there. Apparently minutes after I left, he settled in and got on with playing or whatever activity they were doing as if nothing had happened.

It was jealousy as he thought I was going to home to spend loads of one on one fun time with the baby.

He had nursery in the morning. I got round it by saying things like "oh you'll have super fun at nursery while I'm at home doing the boring hoovering". When the baby went down for a nap in the afternoon, we called that Mummy and name's special time and I let him pick a game, a book or some other activity and made sure he had some one on one time without the baby present.

If you think it could be jealousy related, you could try something like that.

Firstly, please don't compare your situation to other kids/mums... It really doesn't matter, although it feels so hard in the moment! Talk to the staff. They should have some solutions. If they are based on asd kids, so be it, it doesn't matter if it works and you don't need a formal diagnosis to start using adaptive methods.

My son is ND and in his final primary school years. He still struggles with going in to school even now. And that's ok. I spoke to school and explained, I won't be physically carrying him through the door any more. I will be going at his pace. If that means starting at lunch, or missing a day when he's literally almost sick with anxiety and social stress, so be it. He also enjoys it hugely once hes there and has good friends. It doesnt matter. He's still ASD and he needs this, and I don't want him burning out in secondary school because we've misread his needs now.

The transition is what he struggles with. Soft activities to blend between the two can help (mine has to go to breakfast club every single day, because it is less taxing on him than entering a busy playground alone.) Routine is extremely important to him, would that help yours? Knowing exactly what to expect at each point of the morning is a tactic I have to use. Not easy as an adhd'er myself 😜

He also had the classic struggles with not being able to easily join in with class parties, nativity plays, joining in with football matches although he's fine at training sessions etc etc.

I would start building a written ictire of any similar struggles now, and asking for referral to see if he meets any criteria for diagnosis. Maybe not! And it doesn't matter either way- but I wish I had, because all the signs were there and I struggled on, and now we are in waiting list limbo. They don't hand out diagnoses like skittles, so don't worry about "is it toddler behaviour or ND", they will be able to assess that.

I did take him without waterproofs once and it was a lot easier to leave the house but the nursery staff struggled to get him into them also. I think I just passed the issue onto them! They said he didn’t want to interrupt his play by coming in to get changed and asked whether he could be dressed in them before he arrived. I have considered just letting him get soaking wet by not wearing them - he wouldn’t care at all, but we are heading into winter and it is predominantly an outside nursery so I worry he’d freeze. Gah!

getting wet, then cold, once or twice may very well be the best way to resolve the waterproofs battle.

My youngest used to always get upset with drop off and due to work I had no choice but to keep taking her but honestly looking back now, I wish I’d been in a position to just keep her home. 3.5 is still so young (it doesn’t feel that way with a 1yo in tow!) and he doesn’t sound ready.

My 1st child hated going home, wouldn’t put coat on to leave, or even leave classroom without quantities of tears, had to be the last child in classroom before coming around to the leaving idea.
Think I’d prefer OP’s problem 🙂.

I wouldn’t bother with the waterproofs, sounds like they’re causing more problems than they solve. Just send them in for them to offer him and a couple changes of clothes each day.

my daughter would lose her mind if I dropped her at nursery and then took her brother home. Did not like the idea that he was home with me while she was at school, despite liking nursery a lot. So maybe a babysitter for dropoff for a couple weeks if you can manage that and see if that breaks you out of this cycle.

And just because it sounds like you don’t need the nursery for daycare, you could just move slower in the morning and try some new routines. Unless it’s an issue dropping late of course.

What waterproofs is he wearing? Is it a pattern or a character he likes? Did he pick it out himself? My daughter is way more likely to wear something she’s picked.

If it’s the suit itself, have you tried waterproof trousers and a coat separately? I work in a nursery and we run a forest school offsite and often find children prefer to put on waterproof trousers and a coat like the teachers than an all in one suit.

I just want to thank everyone for all of your advice and also for those of you who shared your stories about coming out the other side of this. We have had two successful drop-offs so far this week. The first was a huge improvement, but today was brilliant. Bribery with chocolate coins has made getting the waterproofs on a breeze… And taking a special toy to show everyone has helped get him through the gates!

Wonderful news! Well done OP 👏 ☺️